z

Young Writers Society



please come back

by awsomwritter13


Please come Back

I love you
I mean it
I'm sorry
I am sorry
you don't feel the same way
and you don't have the burden
of knowing someone feels
Like this towards you
And you can't do anything about this
But sit and think
Why,how, and when
I am deepest you are leaving
And never calming back

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Points: 890
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Wed Oct 25, 2006 10:20 pm
pandoraswritings wrote a review...



awsomwritter13 wrote:Please come Back
I'm sorry
I am sorry


I know this is followed by what they are sorry about, but saying it twice seems very strange.

Also, your vocabulary is very weak and you use a plethera of small words.
Try expanding your vocabulary before you write a poem.
OR try writing with a theasaurus next to you.




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915 Reviews

Points: 890
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Wed Oct 25, 2006 10:00 pm
Incandescence says...



awsomewritter123--


Pay better attention in your ESL classes: get a working vocabulary, read some things about poetry (I can think of at least five posted in the Writing Tips section), and try to devoid your poetry of yourself.


Best,
Brad




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Points: 890
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Wed Oct 25, 2006 9:57 pm
Elizabeth wrote a review...



...

I disliked this
I mean it
I'm sorry
I'm kinda sorry
I don't like this like you do
and I'm sorry I am being a burden
by letting you know how I feel
about this poem you wrote
You can do something about it
Just sit around and think
Why this poem is weak
When you are ready
You come back and make it stronger

---Elizabeth

PS, I was being a smart ass, I'm sorry. There was too much in here to not be able to do that... it was a bit too short for my liking and the lines were jerky and you should start using stanzas.... yeah... this was... ok, but convey the feelings more... Don't speak like a robot, unless you are, in which case I'm sorry.





I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss