Target, the infamous underground artist D. Soto, is in Cuba and will be at La Jaula Club on Feb 14th, 1984. An assassin will attempt to kill D. Soto on Feb 14th, 1984 at La Juala night club, but D. Soto suddenly dies in the club without the assassin carrying out their plan. What does the assassin do now?
Tick, Tick, Tick.
Soviets seem all so nice,
They give me such a perfect prize.
The US came and named me wise,
My latent talent for demise.
Useful, yes I do believe,
To relive my identity.
A surgeon with a bloody weave,
Accompanied by screeching screams.
Or maybe I shall bring my brush,
For empathy’s a gentle touch.
Soto is the one to crush,
But his masterpiece has made me blush.
Burning makes a fragrant scent,
Yet crucifixion has been blessed,
Drinking blood my thirst is quenched,
Though I could repurpose cement.
My oh my, to play this game,
Different ways to regain fame.
The feeling that’s desensitized,
Will once again be only mine.
Today on this night of hearts,
La Jaula, there my target’s marked,
My nails and blades have been kept sharp,
For by tonight, he’ll hear Gabe’s harp.
Once again I will enjoy,
They pleasures of a human toy,
Especially with-
He isn’t moving.
Jokes not funny make me sad,
Natural death just makes me mad,
Time and I are not good friends,
And hunger prevails yet again?
He isn’t moving.
Too long have I sat and wait,
Time is now to fill my plate,
Cold and limp is not my taste,
Still canvas is not worth this waste.
He isn’t moving.
Slicing, dicing, getting deeper,
Bloody, dripping down my finger,
He isn’t moving.
Tears taste terrific from this toy,
Sadistic mind finally employed.
He isn’t moving.
Hands can’t move, remove from back!
I have yet to complete this task!
He isn’t moving
Tick, tick, tick.
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Canary word: Present
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139,355 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
I would like to begin by saying that this poem was quite interesting. I appreciated the unusuality of it, and the creativity with which you write. To be complete honest I would have been lost without the little bit of background you provided at the beginning, so I'm glad you included that.
I decided to make some lists, so here we go...
A few things I loved:
1) The repetition of "Tick, tick, tick" at the beginning and the end of the poem - it's super eerie. And the fact that the nose is never explained just adds to the creepy tone.
2) The line "Time is now to fill my plate" is amazing because it has so many interpretations. Is your character literally going to eat a human? Or is it time for them to accomplish something? Or is time catching up with them and they're just realizing this?
3) The line "A surgeon with a bloody weave" - Just because it is compellingly phrased.
4) "screeching screams" nice alteration!
5) The way you wrote your character having the realization that their target is dead, I loved how they stopped mid-sentence and it really felt like someone was stopping dead in their tracks.
5) The poem in general - it was super unique, overall it flowed nicely, and I enjoyed reading it
A few things I would take a look at:
1) In the first 3 lines you switch from present tense to past tense and it is a bit confusing
2) is the US the United States? I assumed it was, but it also wasn't super clear to me.
3) The line "Or maybe I shall bring my brush" doesn't make very much sense and I don't quite see how it fits with the following line.
4) "Jokes not funny make me sad" - This line isn't grammatically correct.
5) "Too long I have sat and wait" - You switch from past tense to present tense. You could change this to "Too long I have sat and waited" or "Too long I sit and wait" or "Too long I have spent sitting and waiting" or a lot of other things
6) Personally, I don't like the phrasing of the line "Sadistic mind finally employed" The rhythm sounds off and the words fit together weirdly.
Things I'm wondering after reading your poem:
1) What inspired you to write this?
2) Just in general I wasn't quite sure how to interpret the line "But his masterpiece has made me blush." It's a super captivating line, because it's really the only time your character shows emotion that isn't violent or insane (or both)
3) Are you referencing the angel Gabriel when you say "For by tonight, he'll hear Gabe's harp"? If so, this line serves very nicely to characterize the assassin as morally flawed because even though he believes the artist will go to heaven, he's still willing to kill him.
You don't have to answer my question, but I just thought I might as well ask them. Otherwise, beautiful poem. I realized enjoyed it. Keep on writing!
- Summer
Thanks a lot for the feedback! And yeah, it would have been kind of confusing without the intro at the beginning, and I probably should work that explanation in to the poem better. But to answer your questions...
1) I'm in a writers' group and time to time, we have a prompt where we all write about it and this happened to be the prompt. I chose to write about a serial killer because I find it fun to write really twisted characters.
2) The masterpiece line was a reference to his target D. Soto, an underground artist. I was trying to go for the protagonist has an appreciation of art, and he believes that killing is an art itself.
3) Yes, I was going for a reference to the angel Gabriel. Though I was not trying to show him as morally flawed, more so to establish that by that night, it was his time to kill.
Hello, austinturtle. This poem was rather creative the punctuation was good, you capitalized the firs word in every stanza (yay!), and it flowed. I don't remember there being any breaks in the flow so that was good but I found it kind of disturbing... he sounds like a cannibal. Anyway, I guess that was the put so I'll just go on to tips:
Soviets aren't nice. Is this supposed to be humorous?
So this soviet is a surgeon? Then why is he going to assassinate someone? Undercover?
Yup, cannibal.
Why is he reading a poem when he's supposed to be assassinating someone? He definitely failed his mission.
Cannibal again... and "Too long have a sat and wait" is incorrect grammar. You could say "Too long do I sit and wait" then they'll both be in present tense.
That's all I have for this review. At the beginning I thought this was serious and the assassin was going to snipe him but then I got to the end and was kind of grossed out. You should try to make it less bloody if you want other people who don't like to read gory stuff to read this. Or if you want it to be gory... still why is he a cannibal? I don't get it.
Thanks a lot for the review! I really appreciate that one line change you reccomended, plus it flowed much better than mine! To address some of your concerns...
The soviets are nice line is a refrence to the whole background of the story. I didn't do the best job explaining the backstory in the poem, but essentially D. Soto, the artist, took the side of the soviets and was basically painting propoganda that was for communism and against capatalism, so the US wanted him dead. And being the first kill in a long time, the serial killer is thankful.
For the surgeon line, I was trying to show he was very skilled and like a surgeon, he has the power to control life, but he chooses to take it.
Also, the reading poem comment, it's more of an experience he's going through in the present rather than a recollection.
Also the cannibal part, I personally did not intend to make him a cannibal, but I wouldn't be surprised if my serial killer took part in cannabalism.
If you have any other advice, feel free to leave it and I look forward to your reviews of my next work!