suffering

Hey Auro!

Welcome to YWS, first of all. How's the site been treating you so far? If you've got anything you'd like to ask, just drop me a PM.

Just like Nike said, this wasn't a short story technically but somewhere on the lines of an excerpt of a bigger story. Mostly because even if it's short, a story needs to have a plot. It needs to have a conflict which leads to a plot. A proper ending, as I like to say. This was just sort of a memoir?

I didn't like the use of the B word here the narrator uses for the mother. I mean, I get it that her mom has upset her with something but how strange and rude mannered is this? I really don't like her attitude.

I don't have anything else to say which hasn't been said already. And I agree with most of the reviewers. So, try to work on this.

~Mia

Hey!
Well obviously there are a few things you need to sort, like grammar and spelling, making sure you capitalize words at the begining of a sentence and when using 'I'. You also need to make it more obvious that her mother is speaking, maybe putting it in a new paragraph... but also state it's her mother talking etc.

Another thing is of course, it's very short at first I thought it might be a poem. But yeah like the others said there isn't really any meaning it just seems like some teenager having a short tantrum. If you want to write something about suffering then you have to make the audience believe it.

Keep trying!

Hey! First off, I'd like to say Welcome to Young Writers Society! It's great to see a new face here

I just read your, would you call it a short story or a paragraph? We usually submit some larger pieces but also we write things with much more of a meaning.

You're work is good, I get the image, but it seems so unprofessional. All you did is write some words and blast them onto the site. I need more details, emotion. Make it look more like a story, space out your speaking parts and non speaking parts. Seperate them.

Read some things on here and you'll get my picture.

I hope you do well on here. If you ever want my help or you simply want me to review just PM me, or leave a comment on my page.

- Nike

Good God is this a Short story or a tweet?

But seriously, at YWS most people take their work seriously and I would urge you to do so aswell. Because when you do other people will take you seriously and that's when you learn. The writing isn't [s]bad[/i] terrible but you need to run it through a spell check and format it to make it as readable as possible.

With that aside, I won't nitpick but I will give you another piece of general advice about writing short stories. Consider what insight you want to share with your audience and don't publish anything anywhere until you are convinced you have taken it as far as you can towards achieving that goal. I want to extract something from the text but it seems a little self-absorbent, you haven't convinced us that this is a story about characters with a narrative and a meaning you have simply convinced us that when you wrote it you were upset with your mum and no fictional character has committed to the text.

You are probably ambitious and you may be a decent writer but this is more like a tantrum then a short story. If you really want to express yourself in fiction you need to give the audience a reason to care about what you have to say, in short, it is as much about how you write as it is about what you write.

Good luck. If you have any questions PM me, and welcome to YWS -- its great and most people aren't as harsh as me.

JP

Hey Auro,

I see you're new, so welcome to Young Writers!
If you need any help (either with understanding how we work, or with your writing) feel free to PM me!

My reviews tend to start with the flaws of a story (they all got 'em) and then move into the good parts, so please bear with me...

You start your story with 'i' which is a no-no. 'I' is always capitalized, especially when it's the first word of a sentence.

'breathes' means like 'I breathe' not 'My breath is made of air'. There's no 'e'.

'Listening' is present tense and 'emphasized' (note it's spelled with an 'a' not an 'i') is past. You should keep your tenses the same.

"Honey get up its time for hockey."~ this should be in a paragraph of its own. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that there should be a comma after 'up' (but I abuse the privelege of commas, so I don't know for sure). Also 'its', in this sentence, means 'it is', so you need an apostrophe,"it's";(and the period goes inside the quotation marks).

"somehow this tetchnique wasnt working"~ I'd change that, like majorly. Maybe try something like "Somehow that technique didn't work this time" or something similiar (and be sure to capitalize and use apostrophes were appropriate "wasn't").

"Bitch go away!"~ I think I'd use this to start a new paragraph. Whenever I want to write what my character is thinking, I typically give it a paragraph of its own (like you would if he were saying it outloud) and italicize it. That way you can (firstly capitalize the I) continue with your thought.

"I wanted to scream but didn't because she would slap me and drag me into the back of a dumpster and brutally beat me."~ Wow. We have got a major run-on sentence here. Let me pick it apart bit by bit:

"I wanted to scream *insert comma here* but didn't because she would *she'd is also fine here* beat me if I did."

I think you should consider whether or not the details of 'your' beating are really necessary to your story. Description is good, but adding too many pointless details to your story can make it long and irritating to read.

If you decide to leave everything, you should change 'drag me into the back of a dumpster' because that sounds really strange. How can she drag you into the back of a dumpster? Maybe try 'behind a dumpster'.

"I carefully stepped out of my bed, slipped on a robe and waddled out of the room passing my mom."~ You start with 'carefully' but the rest of your story makes you seem lethergic and grumpy. Would 'I rolled out of bed' be a better fit for your story?

Also just say 'waddled out of the room, past my mom.' Not 'passing'.

Sneered is spelled like that <--

You mother can sneer at you. Meaning... "Don't *note apostrophe* you give me that attitude, *note comma*" she sneered.

*new paragraph* "I just kept walking, *consider inserting* as if I hadn't heard her.

Alright, as for the general overview of the story...

You weren't very descriptive, at all. I like description; and this room gives you so many opportunities, if you'll only expand them. I'm going to give you a list of thought-prompters, but, of course, you don't need to answer all of the questions I ask. Pick and chose which details matter to your story.

"I lay on my bed."~ What size bed is it? What type (spring, water, feather, foam?) or even (firm, soft, comfy)? What condition is it in (a new bed? Or is it a hand-me-down bed that's ripped and covered in pee-stains?) and does it have sheets or a blanket on it? Is there a pillow?

"Listening to music"~ You say what the music makes you feel (briefly. You could even elaborate here a bit), but is it loud or soft? Are you listening to a radio or a CD or Pandora? Can other people hear it? Or are you listening to it on your iPod?

"Being upset over something someone else did."~ You never mention who did what upset you, or even what upset you. Is it your mother? Is that why your character is being so perfectly hateful to his mother?

"Then my mother walks in."~ What does your mother look like? Is her hair long or short? Straight or curly? Blond or black? Styled or unkempt? Is her face attractive or ugly? Is she young or old (I mean, some girls have kids when they're like fifteen and some are still having kids when they're 38. My mom was 35 when I was born)? Does she wear make up? Does it make her look good or rediculous?

Is she wearing fancy clothes or something she picked up from the dumpster behind Goodwill? Are they stained? Is she still in her PJs too? Is she tall or short? I'll stop beating this dead horse and move on...

Also, WHO is your character? You never mentioned a thing about what it looks like. I don't even really know what gender it is, let alone an age or a description (refer to the questions about the mom).

And where is this story going? I like your intro so far, but...? Is something going to happen at hockey? Are you going to write something that happened before this? What is the purpose of this?

Now I hope I wasn't too brutal with my reviews. I just like to be thorough. This wasn't meant to discourage you at all! I just wrote the review I like to recieve. This is a really good story so far!!

Keep writing,

~Shadow