Instinct Chap. 5 part 1

Okay, so this first part is a dream, I want to know if you think i should take it out or not.

Thanks for reading!

I was standing in front of a mirror, although, there wasn’t a mirror there. It was me, and her; my Instinct. She stood there, surveying me, trying to decipher what I was. I could tell that words were on the tip of her tongue, even through the dreamy haze that fell between us. She was trying to say something but couldn’t formulate the sentence on which she could reveal the secret.

We were in a dark room, or an empty space that seemed to go on for eternity. The dark was comforting, mellowing to my confused mood. It helped me calm down just as an ice cream would do to a paroxysm prone toddler. In some way or another, the darkness was my friend. The enveloping haze that fell over us was concealing the truth, but that was the way it was meant to be.

We stood there, each watching the other. An eerie silence hung in the air, and I was able to taste her yearning to speak. She wanted to tell me something; I was sure of it.

“What?” I asked, pushing her in the right direction, “Out with it. Who are you? Who am I? What are we do—” I was cut short. She raised her finger up to her face, and made the universal sign for quiet.

“I can’t tell you,” She started, and was interrupted by a heavy sigh from me. Even though I had always known it was true, hearing it from her, seeing her mouth move and the words flow accordingly, it was a disappointment. A shiver ran through my body, I knew then and there that she without her helpful hints I might never regain my life. “But you will. You’ll find out what’s going on. It’s what you’re meant to do,”

I started to roll the words over in my head before she was finished. I was meant to find out. Why? What? When? Where? Who? And how? I was completely lost when I realised that she was about to continue. Perhaps it was a clue. Perhaps I might have my last questions answered, in aid of the bigger picture formulating itself.

“Just be careful how you react,” I listened to her words, as they penetrated through the silence, and reverberating around the chasm that we were standing in.

Just then, as if it was all supposed to make sense, a bright light was emitted through the world. Everything lit up in a flash, and we were standing in a bright yellow room. She disappeared, engulfed by the light. I opened my eyes, and was aware of the cold bench that was pressing against my back. The world turned upside down, and I saw a bus stop in front of me.

I contemplated getting on, but I was still under a dreamy haze, which clouded my decisions. All I could remember of yesterday was the food. That was first and foremost in my mind. Sweet, luscious, tantalizing food.

Then came memories of the dream. You’ll find out, it’s how you react that’s the problem. That was what Instinct had told me, wasn’t it? Those made me feel better. I might find the answers today. In fact, with my new determination, I would find that answers today. I sat up, and then walked from the bus stop. The driver caught my drift and continued in his early morning rounds.

I planned to walk through the nearby neighbourhoods today, as had been my plan since yesterday night when I was finding a place to sleep. It seemed as though this wasn’t a major city, and it was surrounded by a few small suburbs. If I was to find my memory, it would be there, at my old house, or walking through streets I walk down every day.

Half an hour later I was watching the massive cranes and heavy machinery whirr to life. Dust was rising through the entire compound, and loud bangs came from somewhere within. However, I found no recognition in the route from there to the nearest allotments, only the path that I had taken to town stuck out. I felt like I was searching for a needle in a hay stack, memory in a city perhaps hundreds of years old. Perhaps there wasn’t even a needle and I was submersing myself in the painful search for nothing. Perhaps my house was right around the corner, and I was worrying myself sick with all of this moping about.

The barren streets were cold; unwelcoming. Nothing sparked my memory as I had hoped it would, but somewhere inside me there was a feeling that I was headed in the wrong direction. This was only one suburb out of ten, and what if I was visiting the city altogether, then I might never find my home.

After hours of walking the grey streets, a gurgling started to sound in my stomach. I was now overran hour away from the city, as the crow flies, and even though I felt as though I could recall my way back with ease, I was weary about using my powerful memory. It didn’t seem right, even though it might help. And besides, what better ways to banish amnesia then surround you in a home environment.

Ten minutes later and I was absolutely famished. That said, I still didn’t think it was a good idea. The sun was shimmering behind the clouds, bright white areas that you couldn’t dare to look at. It was mid-day, which means I’m in for my first lunch. It would be tough, even though I hadn’t seen a soul all day, that didn’t mean that it wasn’t a public holiday, or a weekend, for that matter. I still had no idea what day it was, and even if there wasn’t anyone home, that didn’t make it the right thing to do. I pursed my lips together and hoped for the best, vowing to make it a light snack and nothing more.

After circling the house numerous times, I had the layout memorised, which was somehow an easy thing for someone like me. The lights were off, the glass was cold, and I couldn’t see any movement or hear any voices. It looked as though it was as vacant as it could get.

I walked up to the front door, knocked three times [I was taking a survey for the local school] and counted off sixty seconds in my head. After those painstaking moments, I knocked again and counted another sixty. Nothing happened.

The tension in the air was pulled taught as I watched small plumes of mist rising from my mouth. I marvelled at how nervous it made. I could know the person who lived in this house, and even if I didn’t that made it an even bigger breach of privacy. This as trespassing, I could be fined, go to jail, I could never find out who I am. This is serious, I kept on thinking to myself. It could make or break my entire life. It wasn’t something to be taken lightly. Although, All I need to do it reach out and try the handle.

My heart thumped in my chest as I removed my hand from my pocket. The butter sir immediately swamped in around it, and I was shaking in my movement. This was stupid. I knew almost anything you could ask, and probably some that you couldn’t ask, but I couldn’t even open a door. Stupid. It was probably locked anyway, I mean, who would leave their house open for anyone to just waltz on in?

I shuddered as I brushed against the cold metal doorknob, and then grasped it in my hands. It was now or never.

I clenched my fist, and turned the ball.

I watched it turn;

And turn;

And turn; until it

‘Click’ed

I breathed out a sigh of relief as I pushed the door in. A sly gin crept onto my face as I realised that on my first try I was already inside. Walking into the hallway I felt the cold wind as it followed me through the door, which reminded me to close the door behind me so I couldn’t be watched.

Outside the street was empty, but without my soft clouds of breath it looked exaggerated. The dull colour was sucking the warmth and hospitality out of the air, which made me close the door even faster. I exhaled again, feeling the moderately warm air in my lungs, feeling heat seep back into me. I took another deep breath, just to prolong the moment. I was inside. That alone made me feel better; it was good to have a sense of belonging, even if it wasn’t rightfully yours to belong to. Leaning against the door I felt the blood seep back into my cheeks, and without even looking at the mirror that hung opposite I knew what I must look like.

Small strands of pale, sandy-blond hair were thrown up in all directions. My once-neat hair was now a bird’s nest of straw and twigs. Below that, past my perfectly smooth forehead I saw delicate eyebrows that seemed to be pointing at nothing in particular, but something very precise at the same time. My gold-speckled hazel eyes were trembling, a window into how frightened I really was. I blinked, and watched my eyes once more. Inside them, I knew that I had seen much more than known to me now, but there was no evidence of that.

Hurry up and get some food. You can’t waste time like this! I was snapped from my reverie by the harsh voice I was growing quite fond of. Albeit, she was annoying, but I had been reassure that I would soon find out what I needed to know.

I looked down the hallway, attention skimming over the yellow, flecked wallpaper, and the umbrellas that hung on the hat-rack. I trod carefully down to the wooden door at the far side of the passage, deliberately taking my time and not disturbing the gold and red ornamental rug that lined the floor.

I pushed the door open, relieved for the creaking that it made. It seemed that I was alone in this house, but that only made the silence more eerie. It was an invasion of a person’s privacy, I kept on telling myself, so why can’t I just get the raid over and done with.

Hurry up, my Instinct told me, etching at the back of my mind, trying to gnaw her way into control. She got to me, and I fought to move faster, not disturbing the house as before.

I closed the door behind me, replacing it as it was found. Moving through the living room I tried to ignite some recognition with the artefacts inside the house, while tiptoeing through without much delay. There were three doors to choose from, the one I had come through – not an option – one on the opposite wall, and one on the adjacent wall to the left. I chose the wall on the left, deciding to work my way through the house systematically, meaning I got the best chance of seeing the kitchen, and a bedroom. Surely I would drop the amnesia when I found a room of a child my age.

I found myself in another corridor, running perpendicular to the entrance hall. Leading off it was a partially open door and a quick peek saw it to be the bathroom - no use going in there. Directly opposite was another door. This time it led into a children’s bedroom. Vibrant wallpaper encased the room, supposedly creating an aura of happiness. I knew one thing for sure, I couldn’t be caught dead in a room like that, and I had no doubt that the child in question would want them changed as soon as they were allowed. Brightly coloured toys littered the floor, and I was afraid that, even though some childhood memories might reveal themselves, I wouldn’t be able to leave the room without making a painstakingly obvious mark on the floor – or my feet, for that matter; you could twist an ankle on one of those things.

I left the room untouched, frown creeping onto my face and a pit of despair and longing opening up in my stomach, as well as my heart. The door at the end of the hall was open, and I peered into the kitchen. I smiled; the groaning in my digestive system gave way to a dull pain, and I found myself thinking; just in time.

I crept over to the fridge, weary of my time, and my presence in this cold, sterile house. Everything seemed so artificial; to be here, in a house and still have no idea who I was.

The light popped on, and even though I had never used a fridge before in my knowing life, I understood that there would be raw meats on the bottom, vegetables in the draws and liquids in the rack held by the door. My eyes drifted over the food without really taking it in. All I could think was; food.

I looked for something that I knew would taste good, yet was easily downed and wouldn’t take much time or preparation. Snapping off a pottle of yoghurt from a six pack, I peeled the lid off and chucked it in the bin. Without even thinking of cutlery, I watched the berry flavoured jelly as it rolled down the side, and put my mouth up to catch the viscous liquid as it dripped effetely down off the side of the plastic pot.