Published October 16, 2010
It was an average day for James culist. he was a tall scrawny boy. he was about 5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds. for a twelve year old that's good.he had dark brown hair and blue eyes.
James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.he finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"
I'm really nervous about posting this
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,869 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
sure
hi!! okay the corrections are bolded (like so) and my comments are in red ink
It was an average day for James culist. he was a tall scrawny boy. he was about 5feet 5 inches and 82 pounds. for a twelve year old that's good.he had dark brown hair and blue eyes.
the c should be a capital C and I dont like to see numbers. PLEASE write the numbers out
James was walking down the street towards his house when he saw something very peculiar. He saw a white wolf staring at him. But he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him. So he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.he finally got there and walked inside and there was his mom holding a birthday cake.
"oh mom you know i don't like my birthday!"
on the whole this is a good beginning but I need some more emotion PLEASE continue!!!
He was an average height, average weight...
Describe him more, length of hair? Tone of eyes? Curly hair? straight? Big eyes? Little eyes?
I've been to the zoo plenty of times, and the animals ALWAYS just stare back at me, BUT! If I saw a white wolf on the streets, darn straight I would scream and run away!
Oh mom, you know I Don't like my birthday!
I Cannot stress how much it irritates me to see an uncapitalized I. The birthday thing... surprised me... it came from no where, made no sense... There were no hints of irritability... no emotion at all really. I think this could use a bit more work. PM me when you've edited it and I'll look at it again.
Until then... Tata darling.
~Emaly~
OK. I'm sick, I've got a pizza box laying in my lap waiting to have its contents to be eaten, a glass of water is in my way of the keyboard, so I'll try and make this quick, helpful as I can get it, and done. First off! Hiya Asweeney1919! Things in red are my corrections.
OK. That was that. This was fairly short. That's why I picked it. Alright onto the helpful words of advice! When I wrote out the inches and weight of James it's just best to write out the numbers. Remember that, alright?
(Let me know if any of this was helpful!)
Pers is right about commas, description (try describing his mother or even the cake or something), and grammar, plus spelling. I hope you use all this advice in the future!
I hope to see more of your work. *waves good-bye*
~Ladypurple.
I think that this could be a nice start to a story- however, there are a couple of things that I would try to fix and keep with you as you continue to write.
First: Grammar. Grammar is really important. It doesn't seem like it, but the capital letter at the beginning of a sentence makes the piece look altogether wonderful.
Second: Description. When you describe things, don't just say that he had blue eyes. Let the reader find out- you want to slip it in somewhere. When you just state it, it makes the reader remember that they're reading something, rather than finding and living the story with the main character. It's that classic phrase, "Show, Don't Tell".
Last thing: I would try to use more commas. Commas help the reader find a rhythm in your writing, and helps you to connect sentences. Try changing the length of the sentences- it makes the actual reading go more smoothly and makes it seem more natural.
Overall, I think that this could be very interesting, as I said before. Let me know if you post more and I'd be glad to read it.
-Coral-
i like it but to many mistakes... lol u know me i fix all of them on ur paper but here im not gonna do it so:P hahaha
Alright, I know you said just to give what I think, and I will, just after I touch up on your grammar
You have
Don't start a sentence with And, So, or But. THose are all conjuctions, used to connect a sentance.
If you were to connect the sentence, you'd get
He saw a white wolf staring at him but he was used to this. he went to a zoo once and all the animals just stared at him so he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking to his house.
You want to keep the breaks, but without the conjuctions.
Anyway, There wasn't much for me to go on here, it's just a descriptive paragraph.
I will keep my judgement for when theres something longer.
Write On
~WickedWonder