The isolated, quiet structured neighborhood sat beneath the varied atmosphere. Big grey clouds mixed with lighter ones above, reflecting its own identity; a contrast to the rising incline. Sounds of joyful screams and banter among young children could be heard across the street. People walking their pets, and cars driving down the rocky roads into their driveways. An average suburban environment — unbeknownst of the layers that rose above it.
A teen girl in one of the homes however, was much more knowledgeable then the houses around her. Sitting excitedly in front of a window computer in front of her, sitting onto her bandaid-covered knees. Her fingers switching and slamming frantically into each key. The desk in front of her was scattered with devices. A barometer, anemometer, and an incorrectly installed weather balloon on the ground next to her roller chair. Her room was practically a mess; objects were plastered everywhere.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,679 Literary Works • 675,518 Reviews
Hi, I will mostly speak on grammar and how a sentence from this story feels to me. I feel it's important to know what kind of audience your trying to reach with your work, it can help make it more relatable. Enough rambling, let us get on!
Grammar: I have two suggestions. The line "Isolated, quiet structured neighborhood" would flow better if it was "The isolated, quiet and structured neighborhood" . The line: Varied atmosphere doesn't really make sense. Maybe, "An isolated quiet and structured was once here. It sat under the clouds all of which are free and have their own individuality from their different shapes and shades." but do what you want, play around!
Feeling: It makes me think this is very rigid little town with very rigid beliefs, but if you mean clouds by atmosphere (since you mention clouds after this sentence) it makes the clouds become a reverse of the town, which I find very fun. While the people are trapped in their own world the clouds just watch in their own world free and alive.
Grammar: I have no suggestions to make except for the line "reflecting its own identity" it could either be: "Reflecting their own identity" or "Reflecting it's identity"
Feeling: I was pleasantly surprised that the town seems so lively especially with how it was described before which made me think it was perhaps just a town which only respected self-righteous and lies acting as if it was truth, that was the image that flashed in my mind, it also rather contradicts what was said before about the town. So I would not be surprised if some person complains about the children's noise. Because of hindsight perhaps you could just describe the houses in that way because when you said neighborhood I thought you were describing both the houses and people in this neighborhood. Just a suggestion.
Grammar: No suggestions, solid.
Feeling: It really feels like something is quiet, the line "unbeknownst to the layers that rose above it" really builds suspense, I really love this whole sentence, how everything seems so normal yet there's something watching, the sky itself.
Grammar: Only one gripe and it's with this line this one word: then. In this context it should than since your comparing the girl to the people around her. Then is for time example: "Then I stuffed my face with the cupcakes before anyone could see." and now example for than > "I have longer hair than her."
Feeling: More suspense, I like it!
Grammar: Window computer sounds strange, I believe you mean a Windows computer. Another confusing thing in this line is in the beginning she's sitting but by the end of the sentence it gives us the impression she only now sitting down, which doesn't make much sense. Suggestion: "The girl sat on her band-aided covered knees as she excitedly typed on her Windows computer."
Feeling: Hmm.. a rare computer kid, those are very rare these days most kids are ipad kids. Good on this kid for not going with the trends and begging for a ipad! I like that!
Grammar: Solid, no suggestions.
Feeling: Excitement, what is she searching?
Grammar: at the end of the first sentence you don't have to put a period since afterward is the list of the devices but having a period is fine too. Pretty solid.
Feeling: Ooo so this has something bad thing has something to with the sky, but what? We never get a revelation for this in this chapter/page (and as of now there is no second chapter) so I'm kind of scared we won't ever get a chapter two and to find out what's going on with the sky so.. hmm.
Hia and welcome! It’s great to see you engage with the community. Before I read your work, let me tell you that the best thing you can do as a writer who wants to improve, aside from just writing a lot and getting a feel for the craft of course, is reading and critiquing other people’s works. It helps tremendously if you check out other authors with an eye for “I like this, how did they manage to do this?” and “This doesn’t work for me, why?” – because it will later enable you to see the same patterns and structures in your own works~ If you do not know how to get started on reviewing, why don’t go check out this handy topic: topic/109937-review-tips (yes, yes I am very passionate about reviewing, what else is new XD)
ONTO THE ACTUAL STORY XD
It would help if you gave us a general idea on what specific parts you are looking for feedback. Like what areas are you specifically worried about etc?
Because my first tip would be to look into how to write a nice summary that engages readers XD This one really only attracts ppl who want to help you improve, not really ppl that are necessarily your target audience.
I love how you describe the grey sky as reflecting the identity of the neighbourhood!
“Sounds could be heard” by… who? Zombies? It’s better to go for an active phrasing here :3
Hmmm I am not so sure why you write that most ppl don’t know abt the layers above them. What does that mean? Like, that it is abt to rain? That there’s gonna be a strange weather event? (the second paragraph tells us that, with all the references to weather tracking devices)
I think the piece sets up some intrigue but is kinda hampered because you’re not really telling us that anything ~special~ is going on. Our girl here is also rather excited not worried further reassuring us that nothing’s going to happen. And that’s not really what you want your story to project right? That nothing’s gonna happen except maybe one amateur meteorologist getting a kick out of some vagueness?
Sometimes being more specific heightens the intrigue ^^
Hey hello, thank you so much for your feedback. After reading all of this, I would like to answer and ask some questions as well.
In terms of the specific feedback I'm looking for, I suppose I'm looking for advice on the issues in the writing in general. I wanted to practice writing after a bit and so, I made this and thought to share it with others to see of what I needed to work on. I'm aware of my lack of active phrasing, and I think I need more assistance on that. Especially detail and specifics, although because I assume I already did so but others tell me it's off so I end up questioning my own skill at times.
Yes, with the rest of your critiques, I do see that. I didn't exactly specify what was about to happen yet. I'll take this all into consideration and work towards works with this in mind. I appreciate your response
Okay, I like this opening 😍 The calm suburb with kids shouting across the street sets up the "average" feeling really well, and then "unbeknownst of the layers that rose above it" quietly sets up the twist. I love that the weather imagery (grey clouds mixing with lighter ones) comes back later in the barometer, the anemometer, and especially the "incorrectly installed weather balloon." 🎈 That last one is my favorite detail, because it makes her feel like a real, slightly chaotic kid instead of a genius cliché. The bandaid-covered knees are great too, and they say so much about her without explaining anything.
Now the nitpicks 😅 A few grammar slips: "unbeknownst of" should be "unbeknownst to," and "more knowledgeable then" should be "than." The sentence "Sitting excitedly in front of a window computer in front of her, sitting onto her bandaid-covered knees" trips over itself, with "in front of" twice, "sitting" twice, and "window computer" that I couldn't quite picture. Also, the first paragraph's "reflecting its own identity; a contrast to the rising incline" is a bit vague. What identity? The sky or the neighborhood? Some sentences are fragments, like "People walking their pets..." and the barometer list, and they feel more like notes than prose. And "her room was practically a mess; objects were plastered everywhere" tells us what your earlier details already showed, so I'd cut it or swap it for one specific object 🤔
Overall it's got a fun, atmospheric setup and a character I'm curious about. Tighten the grammar, untangle that long sentence, and trust the weather details to do the talking, and you've got a great opening ✨
Oh wow thank you. Yes I must say, I'm not the best when it comes to being particularly specific in my work at times with the inherent assumption people already would know based on how I write. Reading all of this, this is a reminder for myself to look more at the usage of grammar and specificity. I also deeply appreciate your feedback and will apply these things in the future.
"No pressure at all! 🙏 It's your poem, so just take whatever feels right. I can't wait to see the next version!"