The television in the diner ran a fuzzy picture as it displayed the news. The anchorman introduced a reporter who spoke so rapidly that her tongue could have knotted like a bow. A series of armed burglaries were said to have happened in the neighborhood over a span of a week. No one had been killed, but supposedly two people had been wounded after taking a bullet— one to the knee and the one to the shoulder.
A gruff woman with fiery red hair sipped her coffee slowly as she paid partial attention to the news story, and partial attention to her scrambled eggs and bacon coming to her on a metal platter. Another woman across from her in their cherry-red booth scooted her canvas parcel out from the center of the table to allow the waitress room to plant the plate of food. Both women nodded their thanks at the waitress as she went off to gather orders from the table adjacent to theirs. The one with the parcel kept her gaze focused on the television as the red-head turned away to dig in to her breakfast-dinner.
“God, Sheryl. I can’t imagine what I’d do if some brute broke into my own home. I ought’a reinforce the locks on my doors. Those locks are older than I am, I swear,” the attentive woman rested her chin in her hands and shifted her glance to her friend. Sheryl shrugged as she chewed and swallowed her last bacon strip.
“Ah, ya know, I never worry myself about things like that. I’ve gott’a rifle. Had it since Jordan was born. As long as I’ve got that, I can live in peace.”
When the sun was beginning to set, Sheryl bid her friend adieu and rode the six o’ clock bus home. She went to sleep early that night. It was calm and restful, and she neither tossed nor turned.
But, around midnight a blaring noise woke her with a start.
She scrambled out of bed and pressed her ear to her bedroom door. The front door was creaking, and she could hear a string of swears being uttered by someone, although it was muffled by the screeching alarm. She knew what she had to do. It was almost as if her earlier conversation was warming her up and preparing her for this moment. She armed herself and crept out of her room, down the hallway, and towards the front entrance. She could see the crook now. A tall figure in a black hoodie loomed in front of the white security panel on the wall. Sheryl aimed shakily and fired. She went for the arm, but the bullet struck him straight in the skull, and his hood flew off over his head.
It might’ve been a proud night for the gruff, red-headed woman if she weren’t met with Jordan’s fading grey irises. What a night to get caught after sneaking out.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Interesting ending. Great foreshadowing, although the ending seemed predictable to me. I would recommend adding some kind of twist to add more suspense, for example, the gun wasn't right where the protagonist left it, even if she finds it a second later.
The imagery was perfect, I could really picture the scenes and the characters. Great job!
Interesting ending. Great foreshadowing, although the ending seemed predictable to me. I would recommend adding some kind of twist to add more suspense, for example, the gun wasn't right where the protagonist left it, even if she finds it a second later.
The imagery was perfect, I could really picture the scenes and the characters. Great job!
That was pretty good, and I definitely didn't see the twist coming.,and I bet no one did! The description of a few things was a bit shaky, like (The anchorman introduced a reporter who spoke so quickly her tounge could have knotted like a bow'). There were a few other grammatical errors. The pacing was a little off:to slow in the beginning.. And then too fast in the end. Other than that, it was a good story. Keep up the good work.
Wonderful short story! I loved the foreshadowing and the twist at the end. The story only needed a bit more description. Describe the day, fast or slow, along with a better description of the setting sun. You said, When the sun was beginning to set, but what you could say is, The clock ticked slowly away and the sun was soon setting. That is just something I would do, but you are different. Also, you called the attentive women two different names. For some, this could lead to confusion. Other than that, this is an amazing short story, with an amazing twist! Keep up the good work!