Footprints on wet soggy mud,
Imprints of small transient feats.
Blazing red though some may turn,
Others leave a pearly burn.
Everyday a thousand bloom,
Thousands more are lost to the moon.
Like roots of trees,
And seeds in a freeze,
They sprout new leaves,
Morbid thieves of pun and fun.
They fill your heart with a colourful splash,
Or make you cringe in an agony lash.
Hold your memories dear,
And you will never fear,
The waves that rise to the sun,
But find happiness on the run.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi there ashmel! Niteowl here to review for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!
Overall, I do like the imagery you have going on here. The comparison of memories to various natural objects is rather different and holds the reader's interest.
However, I agree that the rhyme scheme isn't working here. It's really obvious and strained. If the rhyme is dictating what you say, it's probably best to try free verse. I'd encourage you to experiment with more free form poems in the future.
About the punctuation: there's a lot of extra commas, which makes everything feel disjointed. Usually, I think poems should be punctuated like prose. If you're having trouble with it, put it in paragraph form and see where you'd put commas and periods grammatically. There's no rule that there has to be a comma at the end of every line.
Overall, there's some strong images, but consider losing the rhyme and using more natural punctuation. Keep writing!
Hello
Great job! Keep Writing!
These are some things I liked about the poem:
-I like the colorful and vivid imagery such as the words "pearly," "colorful splash," "cringe in agony lash." They really spiced up the poem.
-I like the rhymes in the place where you do rhyme
-I really like the first part of the poem. It is a really great representation of memories as almost physical objects.
-The meaning behind this poem is simply wonderful
-I like your punctuation
Some things I didn't like:
-The title. A memoir is either a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources; or a essay on a learned subject. I don't think this is either, techinichally speaking, and generally when you use the word memoir, it's usually "A memoir OF whatever." That might not be exactly true, but I know it's never TO. I think what you're trying to have here is an "Ode." ^_^ just a little tip. I know memoir and memory sound better together, but 'tis better to be correct than pretty, methinks.
-In a couple places, the rhyming isn't good. In some places it's merely absent, like the first/second line and the 10th line; in others, it's forced, like the last line (It doesn't make much sense, it feels like you were rhyming just for the sake of rhyming); and in one place you had three in a row (trees/freeze/leaves).
- One thing: seeds in a freeze do not sprout new leaves. They're frozen and dead.
-You said "Everyday a thousand bloom" that should be "Every day a thousand blooms," to be correct.
Altogether, I really liked it.
~Fortis
What exactly did you mean by, "turn,"? I'm a little lost here.
With this line you sort of abandon the rhyme scheme. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing though, with this poem. It seems a little awkward and yet at the same time it works. But when you set yourself a rigid rhyme scheme, you best follow it. You are not always so lucky.
I think that the comma that I emphasized needs to be replaced with a period. Neither of the two subjects relate to one another, and they are indeed two separate sentences.
Your topic/plot was very good, and well written. The lines were beautiful, and the imagery was astounding. The title was also excellent. You definitely created, "A Memoir to Memories,".
Wow. Ashmel this is a wonderful poem. I especially like the line "The waves that rise to the sun" it made me think the wave recedes and then how easily we forget things and take stuff for granted. It's kind of morbid but also touching and inspirational. I'm going to follow you.
Thank you !!
I see you are a very good poet....the opening lines speaks about it...the brevity of memories...a direct expression of the human life and its ephemerality....."Footprints on wet soggy mud," good expression....Good use of imageries too!!!! nice....
But ( my favourite word) there are some that i found quite uneasy when reading...maybe because i didn't get it, what you intended, or maybe I am a very bad reader!!!!
"Morbid theaves of pun and fun.".....what are theaves?????? did you misspell it for thieves????
"Or make you cringe in an agony lash."
The word cringe usually means to move away from something because you are frightened or show respect to somebody who is powerful so as to gain favour....
Are you frightened of your memories????? Did you intend to personify memory???? sorry i didn't get what you intended to say..maybe the word is hindering the meaning to reach to the reader...(if cringe has any other meaning of which i am completely unaware of, then do tell me please):-)
All this done, now just a suggestion to you,
"Hold your memories dear,
And you will never fear,
The waves that rise to the sun,
But find happiness on the run."
Why don't you separate these line into a separate stanza...it will add up to the effect, as you are making a direct conversation with the reader through these lines...
Thank you!!!!!:-) keep writing
Hey! Thank you so much for the review and for the correction ,I had indeed misspelt the word.And as for the word 'cringe' I did intend to mean 'cower in fear' .This is indicative of those memories that are unpleasant and that which you want to run away from.
Once again Thank you:-)