Published October 28, 2010
“ Help! For God’s sake, somebody HELP!”
She could barely hear him screaming, the fire raging around her was deafening. She ran through the house, going from room to room, her skirts getting caught on splintered door casings and broken tables. The heat and smoke in the burning house was unbearable. Wiping the sweat off her face she grabbed a chair and hurled it through the nearest window in an attempt to get some fresh air.
Outside, the roaring gunfire gave testament to the battle being waged. Greedily sucking in the cool crisp air she averted her eyes away from the macabre scene before her. Scattered throughout the fields were hundreds of wounded and dying men, their screams resonating through her skull as if she were standing in an iron bell. Though they could use her help, her only focus was the man trapped inside the house. He had become so central to her existence she couldn’t contemplate the thought of life without him. Looking around the room she saw a porcelain water pitcher and soaked her handkerchief, tying it around her face.
Rushing upstairs she heard faint knocking coming from one of the rooms. Grasping the door knob she tried to open the door, but it was locked, the key snapped off in the hole. Throwing all of her weight into it she shoved against the door, but it was useless. The heavy oak door wouldn’t budge. Sweat was pouring off her and the smoke was getting thicker. Crying hysterically she banged on the door, looking around trying to find something, anything that could help her. She tried to scream so he would know she was there with him, so he would know they were together in this, but the smoke was too thick now.
They would both die here, burnt up like Icarus. They had flown too close to the sun.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well we're dropping ourselves right into the middle of a pretty crazy situation right here, very appropriate for a prologue...and certainly grabs your attention and does it quite fast here. Starting with someone pleading for help makes for an especially powerful note to begin on and once you add the fact that there's an impending sense of doom for even the person the rescue, it makes for a great start. The only part that seems a bit unrealistic is the chair throwing, someone that's in a fair, probably choking a bit from smoke inhalation and slightly in shock doesn't seem capable of something like that.
Well, this person appears to be a pretty resourceful one judging by that move. I like to see that, its a little detail that tells us about her personality and potentially hints at her backstory. The idea that they appear to be in the midst of a literal warzone here is also very interesting not to mention you establish some nice stakes by showing that the person calling for help isn't just a random stranger.
So that was the expected ending for something like this...with the kind of impending doom. It makes for a powerful image to end on, this person desperately trying but failing to free their loved one and then just both waiting to succumb to the flames. That last line also resonates with us as readers quite a bit cause you do imagine where something like that might be coming from. This also seems to be their own doing somehow. Overall, this makes for a pretty interesting prologue, and one where I find myself really wanting to know more about this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, ashley
It's reviewing day, so I'm trying to do plenty of reviews, and I'm here to review your work for you. Before I go any further, I'd suggest on making the structure on this a bit cleaner. There's a selection at the bottom of your post where you can click on a story format. That makes the writing look a lot cleaner and nicer to read.
My one suggestion for this is that you should consider maybe making it a little bit longer. Well, that's not it exactly. What I'd like to see you doing is maybe add some more descriptions in and make the piece feel a little less... I don't know, rushed? An awful lot of things seemed to happen in a few paragraphs. I get the point that your MC's in a fire, so she would be rushing, but the problem I have is that you say something happened, then move onto the next thing a bit too hastily. Describe things a bit more. Maybe it's just me, but I would like to see you expand this a little bit. It's a prologue, so it obviously isn't going to be that long or that vivid, but I think you should think about it.
Negatives aside, I liked this. There weren't any obvious grammatical errors, so the flow of this was pretty easy to follow. There were a few slip up areas where I felt the flow felt a bit off, but if you read the piece aloud, you should be able to spot them. Your writing style is good, and you manage to show us readers what's happening, and not tell us. I sometimes thought that I would have liked to have seen your MC's emotions a bit clearer, but that wasn't much of a problem for me. I can't say much more about this because it is a rather short piece, and you've already gotten some lovely reviews.
I'm not a fan of historical fiction, I have to admit, but I found this interesting. It was a really good idea for a prologue, I think, and it got us readers wondering what was going to happen next. You just need to clean this up a bit and make sure that it's easy to see and understand everything that's actually happening.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Alright, it was short, but, in some places, quite confusing. This may be because you have too much going on at once.
Slow down!
This part was everywhere, and hard to pay attention too. Describe what she's feeling as she's running and portray that to the reader.
I also noticed that you skip commas. I've marked them in this paragraph.
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
Hey Ashley, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
One exclamation mark would be enough.
He was her life? Really? Couldn't you find another way of saying this that's... better? I just don't like it.
Okay
II. OVERALL
I quite like it, but I'm wondering what the purpose behind it is, because I'm not a fan of prologue unless they're completely necessary. Also, I'd love more insight into your female character, we get a little bit of it here, but I think with more of her thought process- and more description in general, it'd be tonnes more effective. Don't be afraid to flesh it out, you have room to do that here, it's short enough! Love the Icarus reference at the end
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey ashleysweeney! Well, let me start off by saying I liked this. But, since there wasn't much to work with, this may sound like I'm being overly picky. However, I do like this a lot, and it's very intriguing. So with that said, I'll get straight to it.
Okay, first off, watch punctuation. One exclamation mark is more than sufficient. Also, CAPITOLS aren't a good idea, even for EMPHISIS! It's much better to just italicize words.
This sounds like two separate thoughts, shoved together with a comma. These two ideas don't seem to have much of anything in common, so separate them into private sentences.
Try something along the lines of...
"The gunfire outside roared around the ever present battle, the screams of the wounded and dying men echoing through everything"
Okay, this also sounds like something that is unnecessarily put together. I'm best with examples, so maybe try something along the lines of:
"Her heart ached as she searched for her trapped love, afraid she wouldn't make it in time. He was her life now--she couldn't go on without him."
Okay, just one question here. If his words are loud enough to be heard, why is his knocking so faint? Why can't she find him? If a house is on fire (as I get the distinct feeling this house is), then the flames would drown out everything asides from the loud or close noises.
While on that subject, I don't think you're giving enough attention to her sensory details. The only thing we see is her rush to find whoever is trapped inside. So if the fact that they either are going to or are almost going to get burned down with the house, I think it's important to add some detail about the fire besides the smoke she was choking on.
Also, since I'm on a role, I've got one other thing to add. Yes this is a very short piece, but some added detail is a must. Maybe have her see his face in a flame, bruised and bleeding, spurring her desire even further to find him. Have her burn her hands on the door knob as she tried to bust down the door, or make the flames reach for her skirt. Just some sort of detail about her situation and how she feels besides panicked.
I like the first sentence, but after that, I'm lost. Or rather, my attention is thrown everywhere; this feels a bit clunky and uncoordinated. First, why do we need to know or care that the door is heavy and oak? The only important thing is that it won't budge.
Moving on to the next sentence, saying 'sweat was pouring off her and the smoke was getting thicker' also seems like two separate thoughts. Maybe try something along the lines of "Sweat raced down her cheeks; the smoke was getting thicker, the fire drawing closer" or something like that.
Next sentence! My impression: she was panicked, and suddenly she's crying hysterically? The transition isn't very smooth. I think 'sobbing' would be better than 'crying hysterically'. Also, without changing the wording much at all, you should try rearranging some parts. "Crying hysterically and banging on the door, she looked around, desperate to find something--anything!--that could help her." Now, even that's not perfect, but I think you get the idea.
Now, this sentence itself isn't bad, but it could be better. After the sudden tension of crying hysterically and looking for something to bash the door down with, this sentence threw me off balance a bit. It's good, showing how thick the smoke is, but I think it could be slipped in more secretly, less obvious.
For some reason, I really like this! It could be because I love everything about Ancient Greece, but this totally made me smile, and actually intrigued me. But, one watch out, is that if this isn't going to have anything to do with Ancient (or modern) Greece, it might be best to leave this out, and/or find a more appropriate analogy.
Nitpicks overview:
The flow isn't great, but that can be changed rather easily. Also, it was very short, making any errors you have stand out. But again, that isn't a huge deal.
Overall:
It was short but a good read. I'm instantly interested, and the ideas of what might happen next are dozens inside my head. I've never been huge on history, but this actually sounds really good. No magic or fake realism, but it still sounds good. Dramatic, romantic, clever--it's all around good. There are some flowing and grammar issues, but as far as the plot behind the story goes, it's very nice. Definitely keep going, because now I really want to read what happens next!
So I guess that's it. I hope this helped some. And don't feel bad if it looks like a lot. It's really not as bad as it may seem at first glance. PM me if you have any questions
-Addict