Published October 19, 2011
In battle of Camblam-
The last and greatest of our King-
He lifts his mighty blade
To smote the one which he had made
Mordred, his son, is daft in a way
And yet in turn he will get his greatest desire-
To end the life of his sire.
His voice is loud in the battlefield
With laughter, the illegitimate child
Smote his father down
This night he will have his greatest feast
As the news of death will make its round
The Rex was taken then on a small barge through the Kaerseveryn
To the mystical Isle of Avalon
All inhabitants of the land were drawn
As Arthur Pendragon took his last breath,
They all cried, “Naught is left,”
For their lord has passed
In a wave of white mist, came the Gods
Then stood Myrddin, Nimue, Morgan and Mogwase
The Island was held in such awe
Myrddin bent down and blessed this man
He stood and declared with all his might,
“None shall forget such a man.
I shall see to it that they remember his rule.
And if ever a time arises full of grief and strife, then he shall rise
From the dead and return to this land.
Praise this ever-living man.”
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Two things — "Camblam" is more commonly written as "Camlann", so the latter spelling would be more immediately recognizeable. For a moment there, I went "Cam-BLAM...?" before I remembered. XD
Second, "the last and greatest" what? It isn't clear that you're referring to a battle specifically, which makes the second line quite confusing at first read.
Two things here as well — since Arthur has not yet smitten his son, he has yet to smite Mordred. Tenses can be tricky things, but luckily, dictionaries have examples of how to use words in their various forms.
Also, "one which he had made" just reads very awkwardly for several reasons. First, people are not objects, so "whom" would be used. Second, the phrasing makes me think of making physically rather than fathering, which doesn't make much sense.
I'm not sure "daft" is the best word to use here. Daft is a rather silly word, which doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem.
Two things — "he will get" is very, very weak. It's not very descriptive, and is so vague. Is he achieving his desire? Claiming it? Attaining it? Or is he somehow otherwise "getting" it?
Second, the rhyme comes out of nowhere. It's a bit jarring to go from no rhyme to sudden rhyme without any signal about changes in form. Looking through the rest of the poem, you don't maintain this rhyme, either, which makes these few rhyming lines stand out in a not-good way.
Whose voice?
I believe "smites" would be the correct tense, since most of the poem is told in the present tense. The thing is, I'm not sure because the tenses are a bit inconsistent, which makes it difficult to follow the chain of events in the poem.
This is a rather sudden jump in subject. You should probably start a new stanza here, to make it clear that this is no longer part of the battle.
Did you mean Morgawse?
Overall, this poem is in dire need of punctuation. In addition to the lack of stanzas separating the different scenes/events, you have lines blending into other lines, and it reads very confusingly because there is no indication of where one event ends and a separate one begins.
Thank you both for your kind reviews *S* I actually wrote this poem for my creative writing class and it was supposed to be 14 lines or more. When I started, I couldn't stop but wanted to after I made the connection to Merlin and Myrddin (same people) and the others who are actually Celtic Gods of which those characters are based. So its also kind of a learning experience as well *S*
This poem is definitely epic. Good use of language and a fantastically woven tale. I was gripped to it from the beginning to end the and the description of the King, to the conspirators and the Gods were all very well portrayed.
What is even more impressive is that you were able to tell the entire tale without having to resort to a long tedious poem and finished it off in just 28 lines.
I greatly enjoyed reading this. Nice work
I am a huge king Arthur man girl, so of course I had to read this. I think you did a really good job of interpreting the story in your own way, yet so succiently. The flow is great, and we get a really good picture of events. Yay!