Allrighty, I decided to try something new. I've always done something with a little bit of fantasy in it and I wanted to try just pure real life stuff. I just finished reading As Long as We Both Shall Live By: Lurlene McDaniel and I fell in love with that type of writing - raw real human emotions and lifelong relationships and family ties. Just good stuff. So this is my take on it. Hope you like it!
Happy Reading!
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Preface
Too happy Time dissolves itself
And leaves no remnant by –
'Tis Anguish not a Feather hath
Or too much weight to fly –
By: Emily Dickinson
Rock cliffs jutted at angles that seemed impossible, creating sharp inclines and gradients that didn’t look real. The mountain air teased Anna’s hair into tangles as her eyes rested on the thick vegetation and random brown rock patterns that broke the flow of trees. Humidity was light, causing a heat that warmed her thoroughly without causing discomfort. She was on her back, the fabric of the blanket scratching her bare thighs and arms, her gaze moving to the wide expanse of Carolina sky, bright blue and cloudless.
“’Mazing, isn’t it?”
Anna shifted, her body instinctively moving closer to his voice, so familiar and comforting. “Yeah, I never imagined I would be here. And with you.”
“Miracles happen, you know,” he teased, and she met his smile, lopsided and goofy, dimples indenting both cheeks.
“Not very often, but I guess they do,” she agreed, unable to resist his contagious good-humor.
“Anna, did you ever picture your future?”
“Sure I did. It definitely wasn’t this.”
His laugh rippled through the mountains like a rock slide, light enough to flutter her heart but deep enough to thunder in her chest. “I never thought I would be here with you. Not in a million years”
“Me either, Zeke. That’s why I’m still in shock.”
“I noticed.” His eyes twinkled when he spoke and he moved closer to her so that they were shoulder to shoulder. He took her hand in his and traced the lines along her palm. “You know, we’ve been in North Carolina for almost a week now and we haven’t even done any rock climbing.”
“Zeke,” Anna said slowly, catching the wild glint in his eye.
He just laughed, quick and sharp, before jumping to his feet in one smooth movement that left her scrambling. “That should do, huh?” He was eyeing a particularly sharp cliff face, and Anna frowned disapprovingly.
“We don’t even have any gear. Don’t be stupid.”
Zeke’s brow furrowed. “I’ll be safe. When am I not?”
She just rolled her eyes. “When are you safe?” He chose not to answer but just flashed her a wink and started walking towards it. “Zeke!” she called, started to get panicky. “Stop it.” Anna ran up to catch him, and he spun to meet her, taking her in his arms.
“You’re too anxious. Relax, Anna,” he whispered in her ear, sending shivers up her spine.
“I wouldn’t be like that if you would just act normal and weren’t such a reckless child!” she scolded, heart still pumping at the thought of Zeke scaling the mountain with little more than pure luck to keep him from falling to his doom.
“A reckless child, huh?” he asked, a devilish grin marring his features before he stumbled towards the edge, holding Anna just out of safety’s reach.
“Zeke!” she shrieked, half-exhilarated, half-petrified.
His eyes danced. “I got you, Anna. Stop shouting.”
Anna smiled. “I will if you take me away from this edge.”
“And what will you do for me in return?” Zeke asked softly, coyly.
Her smile deepened. “I guess you’ll have to wait until you step back.”
He laughed softly and then, just as quickly, his smile vanished and his footing faltered.
“Zeke, stop it! That was too close!” Anna jumped from his grasp and stood on safe ground. “Don’t you ever do that to me—” But her voice caught when she saw Zeke, eyes wide, mouth slanted open in a look of bewilderment, hands clutching at his shirt for dear life.
“Oh god,” Anna murmured before running to him just as he began to fall. “Oh god. Oh god. Oh please no,” Anna cried, trying to hold his weight as she fell to the ground.
“Zeke!” she shouted but his eyes were rolled back in his head and he was starting to convulse violently.
“Help! Oh please! Somebody! Carter! Lana!” Anna was near hysteria, Zeke flailing around in her arms. She felt his pain like her own, flinching every time his arm shot up of its own accord or when his leg gave a quick snap. She tried to think clearly and quickly ripped off her bandanna, folded it and put it in his mouth to keep his jaw in place.
Mercifully, she heard footsteps on the path only minutes later, Carter’s face set in stone as he helped lift Zeke up.
“We have to get him to a hospital.”
“Yeah,” Carter mumbled, emotionless. Anna found it hard to be as strong as Carter, her own distress showing on every inch of her.
Time went quickly after that. Lana convinced her to go in her car while Carter and Andy took Zeke in their own. The whole way to the hospital, she chewed her nails to the quick, thinking all the time: Why now? Why now? Why? Time had been good to them, providing them precious time that they didn’t think they could have.
Now it was back to its cruel self. And Anna found that time could never really be controlled and it only dissolved itself in the end.
End of chapter
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I didn't find a lot of things that needed much editing.
I think it would sound a whole lot better if it were "Zeke asked soft and coyly.
Overall:
Your writing in this story is very good. Not a whole lot of errors and grammaritical wrongs. I like the Zeke character, I see him as a three-dimensional character even though not a lot is described about him here. Though, I do not like how sudden Zeke was hurt, and I'm not exactly sure how. Clear this up, and I'm sure it'll be better.
Heya Ashley! So, I promised you I would take a look at this, and here I am! =D
This sentence might be too wordy and long, so consider chopping/dividing it.
*
Okay, among the first things I noticed is that at least in the beginning, the dialogue was a bit off. Zeke's lines were all good in my opinion, but for some reason almost everything Anna said sounded awkward, like this:
Maybe add "one day" after "here" to balance it a little? Also, the "And with you." just sounds really off to me. "And that you would be with me" is longer, but it sounds more realistic, I think. Think about it.
I suggest you rewrite as "Sure I did, but it definitely wasn't like this." or something similar. What you have now makes Anna seem a bit robotic.
This is robotic too, and I think it should be "neither." Also, maybe try having "I guess I'm still in shock or something." because what you have now sounds awkward and emotionless. I think the dialogue should also bring up the fact that Anna is clearly new to this kind of situation, and that she's still somewhat insecure about it.
Grammar thing here – it must be "acted" instead of "would act" because you can't have "would" in an if sentence. Also, I found it quite funny that she calls him "child"... wouldn't "kid" fit better?
*
So, let me get something straight. He had a seizure? If I hadn't skimmed KJ's review, I would still be thinking that he fell off the cliff. You need to clear that up. Also, I was going to point out the tempo of what I thought was the falling scene. If it had been falling indeed, it would've been way too slow and lacked in action. I guess it's a bit different now that he didn't fall off the clfif after all, but in any case, you need need need to clear that up.
*
I did a double take on this, because it's the first time we hear about Carter and Lana. Thus far it's only been Anna and Zeke, and when the other people are brought up this abruptly, the reader goes all confused. We should've at least known to expect there were going to be other people in there. Because at this point, they only come up when they're needed, and I don't think it's a very good thing, either. Just give us a little hint of them before this, and we're good. =)
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Apart from this, I loved how Anna and Zeke's chemistry worked. You described that very well in my opinion, and it was enjoyable. I was all cheering for Zeke in my mind, and then you made him fall!... or that's what I thought, but still! It was evil. D:
I'll get to the first chapter at some point, so expect to hear something from me soon!
Demeter
xxx
Good Morning, Ashley.
Here's one thing I noticed:
The word random threw me off there. The first half of the sentence went very smoothly, then that word came. See what I mean? Why not choose: irregular, incidental, or coincidental.
Another thing I noticed was the part about the cliff and Zeke. Did he fall off or was dangling from the edge? Or was it something completely different?
Like all your works, I found it a joy to read. I'm not good at giving helpful critiques so this is the best I can do. Otherwise, a splendid piece and sometime from now I'll get to chapter 1.
Wonderful!
Mel
WOW! This was awesome! You writing flowed very well and the descriptions were very detailed and well written. I like how you kind of left a bit of open places if information to explain more about them in a later chapter (Ex. Why Zeke and Anna never thought they'd be together in North Carolina). I like your characters to, I can't wait to learn more about them =D. Keep writing!!
Hey girly. I'm glad you decided to post this on YWS. I read the whole thing, and I only found one nitpick that really bothered me. And, really, is it only a pathetic little nitpick:
I though Carter said the first line, so this threw me off momentarily. Try to make that clearer that Anna's the one saying it.
And just one other thing I think could use fixing: Pace. I was confused when Zeke was on the edge of the cliff, and at first I thought he was falling or something instead of having a... seizure? But yeah, you made those two events too mixed up and close together for my taste. Try to distance and clear that up, as well.
Love you. This was great and I want to see more.
Kels
Hey, Ashley. I decided to come check out your new story. I am pumped!
Note: Some of the corrections are just ones that sound better to me, but feel free to disregard them. 
OVERALL: This is good! I'm so excited for the next chapter! Great job, you get a gold star. PM me when you post the next one.
~Sunny
This was really good. I liked the way it started off, it drew me right in. In my opinion it goes through things pretty quickly... but i guess that's how a preface is. Maybe you should've put a little more history in there, info.... I LOVED the descriptions, I can just see the scene in my head. I'm a sucker for love stories and this had to be my favorite line:
Miracles happen, you know,” he teased, and she met his smile, lopsided and goofy, dimples indenting both cheeks.
Anyway, post the next one soon... I love the story and am curious about what's going to happen next. Good luck!
Hey Ash!
Okay first off, love the title! Alrighty, on to the actual review and such.
I didn't notice any big grammar mishaps and if there are...I myself am not all the great with grammar I regret to say I do not feel the need to torture you nor myself today!
As usual your writing was flawless. I found that I particularly enjoyed the way you described everything...it had just a quality to it that maybe said all the perfection couldn't last.
Are you learning to foreshadow in your writing itself now? Neat!
The only thing that actually was a little confusing for me was when Zeke went into his...episode as it were. I just don't understand why he is clutching his t-shirt. Then again, I have never seen some go through what he is nor have I ever known someone to go through something like that. So please ignore me!
Oh, I lied, another thing. Who are these two characters who just get thrown in at the end? You say we'll find out in later chapters?
Oh My! I can't wait!
Recap:
Writing=Amazing
Details=Breath taking
Grammar=Nothing I noticed
Your Characters=Interesting
Preface=Another victory for Ash!