Discontented

Hi Ashjoy.

I'm going to first make the point that poetry and I have a bad history (see index, p.35), at least when it comes to appreciating structure and stanza form all that you know, but the imagery techniques always appealed to me. Regardless. I'll give this one a crack, cos I liked it more than many of the other poems I've braved reading here.

Oh and yeah - suggestions here don't take into account that the structure and flow are affected by changing words (syllables) etc.

Lines 1, 2: not a bad opening, gets right to the poem's subject (indicated by title), repetition of "the" does contribute to the dull feeling in listing the observations of the persona, however, i also think that the "the" preceding each thing (clouds, sky etc.) detracts from the sense of triviality when the whole point is that they are unimportant in our/persona's perception.

Unless you are using the next line to undercut the importance you have asserted in these listed things. Oh, and the "it all seems trivial" seems weaker when "all" refers to the sky's clouds and the light's warmth, when surely there is so much more going on around the persona.

Lines 3, 4, 5: I think there should be a hyphen or comma separating "trivial" and "finding", or instead, a hyphen or comma separating "time" and "darkness". This depends on whether you're extrapolating on the sense of triviality, or instead, you are justifying the "ing" on "Finding" by describing what is "creeping into" the persona's vision as they fill empty time.

I'm not sure if its a cliche "to fill empty time" but I love that image and its contribution to the poem's mood. Good job.

Lines 6, 7: I like how the word "blurry", which very well could have opened the 5th line, concludes the sentence. Kinda tacked on at the end - I think dissatisfied.

The "Nothing, nothing" obviously reinforces the discontentment, but it doesn't seem like an appropriate juxtapostion (if that's what was intended). It just sounds weird, not sure why, but blurriness, and then nothingness, i don't know.

Lines 8, 9: My favorite line: "Forgetfulness, take me to the house on the seashore, Where no one lives." (Note: there should be a comma between "seashore" and "Where").

These contrasting images of "forgetfulness" and "the house on the seashore" (a common nostalgic/old memory image), which pique the reader's interest, and are then undercut by that 9th line "Where no one lives." This line confirms the forgetfulness (and associated discontent) that was first suggested.

Oh and the house being on the seashore, and the image that evokes with the endlessness of the ocean, at least I feel, contributes to the mood of the poem.

Lines 10,11,12,13,14: These lines I didn't like as much, just not evocative enough. I hate the "maybe" you put there, seemed unlike the established persona, or i'm just being nitpicky.

I must ask, is the "sheerness" also a reference to the town (located by a river)? If so, a capital "S" is a good idea. It probably isn't a reference to the town though, because its by a river (not the sea).

I like the verb "agitate".

Lines 15, 16: "Why is it, why is it, My life seems to be an ever longing pang? A question mark is needed here, following "why is it".

"ever longing pang." This oxymoron further conveys the tediousness or dullness of the persona's plight (or lack of? ).

Lines 17, 18: This image is also cool - that is if you are referring to the thoughts when you conclude with the line "Driving onward." Otherwise, i'm not sure what your going for there, so hopefully i'm right .

Well done,

Keep writing, J

I read it, and it seemed discombobulated...

Other than that, though, I couldn't stop reading until the end! Try to make it more coherent, but not so coherent that it's transparent. I liked the flowery vagueness of this segment, so don't change that aura.

Oops! I just read it again, and loved it. Wow. Second impressions are always so much truer.

Don't change anything about it. Instead, try to form a better rhythm, add some rhymes, etc... if you want to.

Nice job, I really enjoyed the imagery. Just a couple little nit pickey things:

Let me bask in sheerness, maybe,
I won’t collapse.
My heart beats steadily, except,
For brisk moments,

Awesome!