you are my sheltter

Kylloras,

Thanx for the reply. It is helpfull, indeed.

When all my fears drown,

"When my fears all drown," sounds a little better since it more closely matches the stress patterns of the first line.

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

Of light. If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight


The blue is a suggestion to make it clearer that "ray" is deliberate, and it also evens out the rhythm of the second-last stanza.

You could also omit "because" and keep the semicolon.

I see! I find this new for me, I thought it means "alone".

When all my fears drown,

I see the rainbow in your soul,
I hear you whisper,"Tu n'est pas seul(.)"

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

Of light. If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight

Either it's autumn, or it's winter(.)
I am not afraid; because you are my shelter(.)

Hi HarryPotterRocks

Thank you very much for your post. You were really helpful, especially with spelling mistakes. I don't know how I missed all that, but it happens when we are in a hurry, doen't it?


Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complane complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.


Here, I've put "ray" in bold because I'm not sure if you really meant "ray" or if you meant "way". Though, I think "way" is better.

I can consider that, but when I said "ray" I ment it. Here I wish he can find his guiding light not "his way"; that's why I used "ray".

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see tyhe rainbow of in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"You're not sole."


So, until this part it was good, besides the errors. But then, in the dialogue, when you say "You're not sole." you're probably trying to rhyme, and that's what I mean when I say the rhyme seems forced. As such, "sole" isn't used for people. It's used when you're trying to talk about just one thing like, "the sole right of a person". "Sole" doesn't exactly mean "alone", and that's what I think you were trying to say here. You could change that."

I see! I find this new for me, I thought it means "alone". But that's not a problem, it could be switched with a verse in french. I can say: "I hear you whisper," Tu n'est pas seul".

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there,(Leave a space here)to share my fight.

Now, "to share my fight" doesn't actually make sense. You can replace it with something like "I know you're there, to help me fight."

Why doesn't it make sense? What I want to say is, "I know you're there to fight with me, to struggle with me" not only "help me fighting". If I'm still wrong, maybe you can make it clearer for me.

Either it's autumn, or it's winter,
I'm not afraid; because you're my shelter

How will it be if I make it;
"I am not afraid; because you are my shelter"?


So it will be like this,

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see the rainbow in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"Tu n'est pas seul"

Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there, to share my fight.

Either it's autumn, or it's winter,
I am not afraid; because you are my shelter

What do you think?

EDIT: Thanx again

Hey aseel!

Your poem was really meaningful and beautiful. It was a good read, but you had a lot of spelling mistakes and the punctuation wasn't used at some places or if it was used, it was wrong. Also, your rhyming seemed a little forced.

When the rain comes down,
When all my fears drown,

I see tyhe rainbow of in your soule,
I hear you whisper,"You're not sole."

Whenever I dive in pain,
Whenever I do complane complain,

I raise my hands and pray,
That you can find your ray.

If it's day, or if it's night,
I know you're there,(Leave a space here)to share my fight.

Every morning I see the sun,
whenever I don't, I'll know you're gone.

Either it's autoumn, or it's winter,
I'm not afrade afraid; coz because you're my sheltter