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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I loved it so much. I can relate so much with your words cause I am feeling that now too.
I'm a beginner as well but you seem more advanced than I do. 
Keep writing!
I like the way you wrote it but to me it just doesn't quite flow. I read it over again and I didn't notice a rhyming pattern or a scheme. But the message was clear and strong. It's got enough emotional feeling for it to be a poem but like I said with little or no rhyme scheme the words seemed more like a story than a poem. But that's just me.
I read it. Beginning to end, it was beautiful. I felt as if it spoke to me; it was almost as if it expressed my feelings for me. Very laid back- eloquent, poignant.
Keep Writing!
Thank you Audy and Soulkana for the improvement advice :] I don't think I'll edit this one, so I can have this as a reminder of my first work here, but I will definitely look into some verse improvement from your suggestions. Thanks again. :]
And as for the I's, sometimes my Shift key is weird, but I will try my best not to let that accident happen again.
Thanks to all who reviewed as well! It's encouraging to get feedback, good or bad!
Hello Artsy,
First off, welcome to YWS! I must say, this is pretty good for your first piece up here! I enjoyed the "rawness" of it - it felt genuine. I agree with Soulkana's advice up there ^ - she's right. Don't ever forsake grammar, even in poetry.
As far as grammar goes, you did fine for the first five lines. After that, the poem got "lazy" so to speak. Always remember your commas to separate dependent clauses - semicolons for joining two independent ideas.
Now, when we're talking about poetry - always remember what poetry is: an idea artistically expressed in terms of images. Why expressed in images? Well, because it allows for the readers to directly experience your poem. With an image - not only do we see it, but we feel it, taste it, hear it. The goal is to take your readers out of reality and into an experience.
The best way to do that is through techniques we like to call similes and metaphors, among others.
This is a fantastic start. You give us this image of "glasses" that do not dull the spirit. That is a lovely way to contrast our stereotypical view of people who wear glasses, and the speaker's love interest. The next proceeding line does nothing to aid you, however. First rule of YWS and writing in general (I guarantee you'll hear this a lot--I have) "Show, don't tell." You're also using two abstractions in a single line. Words like "freedom", "hope", "love"; they're abstract. When you think of the word "freedom" you cannot picture it. You cannot taste it. You cannot directly experience it. Instead, you only experience associations: flags whipping in the wind, soldiers marching, eagles flying, open fields (ie, things you can directly see/hear).
Words like "faith", "strong" are also abstractions and can easily be replaced with image-related words.
That aside, I get why you mentioned "faith" and how it ties into "spirit", but "strong" here just doesn't do it for me. Especially when the next lines that follow talk about "seeing". So, if we're talking about "dull", "glasses", "seeing" and trying to relate it with "spirit", you understand "strong" somehow doesn't fit? Perhaps you should stick with sight related words? Glorious? Radiating? Beaming? A thesaurus can be your best friend.
It just needs a bit of polishing, the correlation itself is not prevalent enough, I think. Part of that is doing too much, too quickly. Or trying to say a lot with not a lot of words - (and they're not the best words to use, either). We're all guilty of this, don't worry. Poetry takes practice.
More abstractions with "innocence" and "loyalty". Please understand that this is not in anyway a fault of your writing. Simply, when we speak in everyday life, we naturally wish to cut back on words and get to the point so we use these words without thinking, and we know what others mean. Poetry is not like that; poetry is all about precision. What -exactly- are you meaning when you say "I feel happy". There are different types of 'happiness' afterall. Part of the process is getting down what you want to say on paper. You have done so. And then you take an extra step and find out how to best say it in a poetic way.
"Innocence" can be anything from the freckles on his childish face; wide, blue eyes. Or if the subject is a girl, it can be the lack of make-up on her face.(These are some examples, none particularly original xD But you get the point).
I love your use of verbs, 'astounds, amazes' there's a decent attempt at alliteration there. Nice, strong verbs. Great!
This part here is pretty decent. Notice there is only one abstraction here. "Fear" but it's personified and you're using it in a simile! The fear is "swelling" like your heart. Notice also, this is arguably the strongest set of line in your piece. You're also using images (heart skipping a beat), (getting inside your head), (pass you by the hall), (heart swells) , (move forward). The only thing I would suggest with this part is trying to find stronger verbs.
"Getting inside your head" could be invading
"Pass you by" could be "lingering" by...
"Move foward" could be "advance" or "grow"
The ending, I'll say, you did an excellent job. Way to tie up everything together and then point back to the title of the piece, it really does capture the significance of everything. Overall, I enjoyed the premise of it. Your execution was good. Like I said, it only needed some polishing up and some use of poetic devices and descriptive nouns/verbs.
Keep writing! And let me know if you have any questions.
~ As always, Audy
first of all,,congratulations...!
you've just wrote a very nice and beautiful poem..!!"i am a coward'....yes i am., everyone among us.,have behaved or acted like a coward in 1 point of the life or another..,,and when it comes to love.,,there is no shame in accepting that very few of us have really gone and confronted their crushes..!! "your innocence amazes me
your loyalty astounds me"...are my personal favorite lines on the poem.,when we start liking someone..,all his/her bad qualities got overshadowed by the one's we perceive as their best qualities.,which makes us fall for them..!!''but as i pass you by in the hall,
My heart swells,'''....very beautifully describes the feeling of hesitation and fear.,whenever we come across.,the one we like..!!our heart start pumping faster.,and sometimes.,we even start to sweat out of fear....!!
umm..,i think i just provided the summary of the poem..!
i apologize if anything offended you..,but i just explained what i feel for your poem...it is still a wonderful poem!!
keep writing 'n keep shining..!!:)
encahnted, truly inspiring....I love the message i love the words i love how its written, I love this poem, I really do. It's awesome.
Welcome and keep writing....you're going to have some insane fun on here.
Thumbs up!
Well Artsy first thing I want to say is welcome to Young writers ^^. Second this was very well done. I enjoyed the emotions and the way you wrote it. But there are some things I think you should know ^^.
Well other than the forgetting to Cap your I's at the end and a few line problems I congratulate you on a very well done poem in my opinion. I'm not able to help with much grammar mistakes but I did catch the I's so ^^. Well I hope this helps you a little bit and if you have any questions just send me a PM I'll answer. With best of wishes,
Soulkana<3