Around 8 AM I dialed to my friend, though she was 100 yards, just to ensure how she would bring the exhibit: for which we spent on entire weekend
"Hey dear, Got up?" I asked.
"Yes, almost ready to leave for school" Beth replied.
"Is your dad tagging along with you today?" I asked her
"Yes, we both would take bikes, anyways Lisa would take a school van" she replied, Lisa is Beth's younger sister.
"Bring the exhibit safely, will catch up on school, bye, once again safe with the exhibit"
"Sure bu-bye!!"
Myself – Nola, studying in a remote town of Washington State, living with my blessed family. By the end of this summer I will be completing High school first year. Still one more year to complete and enter college. I would miss school days no matter what. Till today I have created a lot of memories in school which I will surely enjoy in my future days.
By 8:45 I reached the school and managed to look locate my dear friend Beth, looking at the exhibit still waiting for me.
Hey Beth! I said, patting her head.
"Here comes my late friend Nola, Welcome Mam!!" she replied.
"Don't butt in!! You should blame my brother then!" I said looking sarcastically.
"Ha-ha!!! Now the blame is on my brother, not to bother." she replied.
Hmmm.
"Where are the notes, Nola?" she asked.
"Here, I have prepared as a single page." I handed her the notes.
Thank you dear!! , she complimented.
"Hey, no formalities. Come let's enter the exhibition hall and let us win at least a satisfactory prize." I assured her.
Beth, once again looked at our exhibit, as she stood, she took a deep breath and raised an eyebrow indicating to make a move.
We both entered the hall and stood near a table and laid our exhibit. It was the very end of the room as that's the only place left due to our late arrival.
I went through my portion on the notes after handing over Beth's. We both looked at each other awkwardly once. We both wanted to participate in the science exhibition and to get a certificate.
So we both didn't bother how well the exhibit came out. But we both were happy enough to participate in the exhibition.
Beth and I managed to explain our exhibit and made the investigators a bit impressed.
There were so many students actively looking into our exhibit and wondering how it was made.
The exhibit we made was "Human Brain". Beth and I decided to make the exhibit with clay and differentiate the brain parts by colors and to use thermocol as base to spread the clay.
"Beth, I think many of them liked our exhibit, what do you think?" I asked her.
"Yeah dear, our hard work did not fail. But is it too much if I expect our exhibit to win first place?”
"Kill you!!! It's too much, happy if we get a participation certificate, you moron." I replied.
"Enough of you, so what should we do with this?" I continued.
"Let's keep it in our home and discard if the clay goes off" She replied.
"Sure, let me take it today then", I said
We both went back to the exhibition hall exactly after half an hour of lunch break. Our exhibit was not even an inch moved, it was in the same place and position as we left.
Hey Nola, nice try!
Thank you, Neethi!
Neethi is one of my classmates whom I admire, she is studious and well-mannered and Pentecost.
Sister, it looks good Marslin said.
After half an hour all our classmates and batch mates came for a round and most of them appreciate our effort.
"I'm so happy", Beth said
"Else you are not Beth." I teased her.
"Nola, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you about for your cycle?" she wondered
"Definitely not, I'm a disaster after explaining again and again. I definitely need a break" I said and turned to look out of the window.
After moments of our chit-chat we both heard
"Could you explain what this is about?"
We both turned immediately and saw a group of four guys were standing looking at our exhibit.
Yes, they are our seniors, in second year high school.
Two guys immediately caught our attention, one is our School leader and another one is the eldest cousin of Beth's lover.
"Riley exclaimed, its Human Brain!!"
Chris asked which system the human brain belongs to?
I said, "Central Nervous System"
Beth was silent as she knows anyway Chris would tease and would inform his youngest cousin. Soon they are all going to be family.
For about 5 minutes I explained and said thank you.
But those guys didn't stop, I mean Riley and Chris. The other two were very silent and they never spoke a word.
But one of them caught my attention, as it was the first time I'm seeing him.
Beth and I are all-rounders and will do all sort nonsense. We once teased some guys we were not aware of and made them follow us to our locality.
So I wondered who this new guy was? And how didn't he get caught in my eyes all these years?
After sometime the gang was about to leave us, I noticed there is a white space in our exhibit and was shocked to know that a bit of clay from the exhibit has been removed.
"Hey guys!! Please stay up" I said
"What is it Nola?" Beth wondered
"Beth, look into this?" I said and She was surprised how our exhibit is now.
I said to Riley, as a school people leader you must take responsibility and need to make necessary amendments.
Riley said, I don't know and we didn't even touch looking at the three of friends. Chris was laughing at Beth, since his future sister-in-law exhibit was spoiled. Even now the remaining two didn't speak, they were curious in our conversation.
I definitely won't accept what has happened, you guys are responsible. Our exhibit was fine until you guys came, I said
Chris and Riley didn't answer
I continued, damage is happened because of you four, so give us 10 dollar as compensation
"What?" Riley questioned
"Yes, you guys damage our product so we definitely need compensation". I confirmed.
Chris looked at Beth, she turned her away.
We three started to argue, but it came to halt in a minute as the announcement came its time to announce the winners.
We all looked at each other and I said, you guys would be on campus for an year and I would definitely get 10 dollar from you guys.
As I said they waved their hand and left the hall.
I once looked at the new face according to me and turned back to Beth.
Beth was a little sad for the exhibit.
Beth said, "why did you ask for 10 dollars?"
Because they damaged our exhibit and Beth was about to reply, we heard microphone echoing and we both turned towards the Dias. Our exhibition day ended with our participation certificate and we both were happy since we achieved what we expected.
But my mind was wavering since somewhere that new face registered in my mind and I could not forget his killer smile. Whole night was killed by that smile and I sat wondering how this guy left my eyes all these years in my school.
I questioned myself how come I did not notice, he was a friend of Chris and naturally Chris is residing near to our place. Chris' family recently moved to a house adjacent to Beth's a little away from my house. Daily I would cross Chris' house for my tuition.
That's where I also questioned myself, not even once I saw his face anyway near to school or Chris house. It was obvious somehow he caught my eyes and came into my mind.
I was lying on my bed without knowing that his face will never go off from my mind until I die, I would never forget small things we discussed, without knowing I would cry for him one day, without knowing one day he will become my whole life, and that's how without knowing slowly he became "My First Love".
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi, Spearmint here for a quick review! First off, I want to say that for a first time writer, this is pretty awesome. Yes, there are grammar mistakes, and yes, sometimes the plot is a little confusing, but overall I was able to understand what was happening and stay interested in the novel. Personally I enjoy stories with lots of dialogue, so I liked that most of your story was about characters speaking to each other.
Okay, on to some specifics:
Like ChesTacos mentioned, this sentence doesn’t quite make sense. As a reader, I can understand your general meaning, but I think the sentence would work better if you shortened it and clarified some parts. For example, “Around 8 AM I dialed my friend, just to ensure that she would bring the science fair exhibit (which we’d spent an entire weekend on).”
Also, I think it would make your novel more interesting if you described the new guy, or maybe had him help the main character or something. Personally I don’t believe in love at first sight, so right now it feels rather unrealistic that Nola would just suddenly fall in love with him. I know you do say that Nola doesn’t know it at first, so maybe this is kind of unnecessary at this point, but I think it’d be cool if you wrote a bit more about the new guy.
As always, these are just my own opinions and you can feel free to ignore them! Just take what you think is helpful.
The first chapter and some other chapters focus on how they met and how they start to converse. But I have chapters where it speaks about from the male lead perspective. I could not post more chapters since i don't have coins
Also, from the moment they saw each other they fell in love, it was love at first sight. The new guy is the main character, from the very moment Nola thinks about him only. Doesn't it feel in that way?
Yes, the ending does show that Nola%u2019s thinking about the new guy a lot, but what I was trying to say was that, to me, love at first sight doesn%u2019t feel very realistic. I%u2019ve never seen any two people just take one look at each other and fall in love; it usually seems to take a while. But, I do believe in crush at first sight, though, if that%u2019s the direction you%u2019re trying to take this novel?
Either English isn't your first language or you didn't proofread this at all, because there are a lot of grammatical errors. Please, revise this. Let me just point out a few and you can fix the rest since a lot of them are very similar.
Same thing below, this sentence makes no sense. Nobody says kill you unless they're actually gonna kill someone. Also, it's too much happy doesn't make sense, I would suggest changing it into it would be too much if we or it would take a miracle if we got or something like that.
This sentence doesn't make sense to me, maybe try changing the wording and the placement? I noticed a lot of times you used incorrect capitalization here is an examples.
In this sentence Got should be lowercase instead of uppercase.
You also need to remember to put quotation marks whenever someone is talking. You seem to forget to do this quite frequently. Such as here.
You also put quotation marks a little early like here.
Please note that this is only the tip of the iceberg, almost every sentence has some form of grammar mistake. So please fix this. Also I would advise having a better explanation at the start, telling the reader it was a science fair or something because at the start I was a little confused. One last problem, the person they fell in love with seems a little random and rushed, I think it would be far more interesting if they fell in love with Beth. The story felt far more related to Beth, the main character and the science fair than this random guy.
Anyways, as for things I liked, the plot flowed relatively well, from them setting up the exhibit to meeting the guy. I like how you talked about how in the future the main character would fall deeply in love with him, that was interesting. Overall I feel like this is a great story with lots of potential, but I think the grammar mistakes and rushed ending ruin that.
I got your point, would try to change, also Beth already has a lover, and the male lead himself knows that. May I know how you feel the story is related to Beth.
I'm a first time writer please let me know what you think about my story. Comments and Reviews are always welcome.