Return of the Gods #1: Artemis (Prologue and Chapter 1 - New Version)

PROLOGUE

 

            The young woman stared at the glass window. The Officials would arrive at any moment. She tried hard to remember her real name, but she couldn’t. She had been Spider for too long. Everyone had been assigned a new name to supposedly wash away their old lives. But Hayley (yes, that was it!) knew better than to believe the crap the government was spewing. She was the last one who wasn’t genetically modified to be the same as everyone else. The other citizens (more like mindless robots, Hayley thought) all had dark brown hair and eyes. Hayley had golden blond hair and bright blue eyes, the eyes of an angel. But they had all most likely abandoned this Realm in disgust.

            The fate of this twisted planet now rested in the hands of six kids, two of whom were sitting in her lap. These kids would have to bring back the gods of this Realm (better known as the Greek gods) and restore their original forms. Of course it helped that parts of Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades had already appeared. Which is how these kids were created anyway.

The Officials had arrived. Hayley quickly sent Kate (one of the twins) away. It would be too dangerous for them to be together now. They would meet again eventually - the prophecy said so. Hayley was different than the “citizens”. And the Officials hated her for it. Then she was gone and the remaining twin, Alex, started crying sadly watching her mother leave her. And someday, she would save the world. This is her story. And maybe even yours.

Thirteen Years Later...

Chapter 1: Alex

 

            “Happy birthday, Alex!” exclaimed Claire.

            “Shhh! Keep it down! Remember, no emotion or personality. Besides, my assigned birthday is October 3,” I said.

            “I know, I know. But this is your real birthday!”

            “Claire, can we please do this later? I have to get to Bored Out of Your Mind 101.”

            Okay, there really isn’t such a class. I was talking about Good Citizenship, which is basically a bunch of crap that’s supposed to tell us how to be exactly like everyone else.

            My name is Alexandra Marie Juliet Andeler. At least, that’s my real name. My assigned name is Bookworm, because I’m always reading something. The Institute Controllers think it’s great that I’m reading the (pathetic) books available. But that’s only what they think I’m reading. The truth is I found a secret library. It’s all the books the Officials confiscated.

            When I was about five, I was wandering around the Institute looking for something to do. Then I found a design on the floor. It was a half sun, half moon with stars on the moon side. I stepped on the moon and pressed the biggest star. The tile slid away and revealed the stairs down to the library. The tile closed behind me and opened again when I came back up. Ever since then, I’d been reading books from there and hiding them behind “approved book” covers.

            Even though we taught ourselves, Claire is amazing at math and I am fantastic at science. Claire and I are the only ones who aren’t like the rest of the clones at the Institute.

            Claire’s hair is lighter than the standard dirt color and her eyes are sea green. Her hair is straight and about half way down her back. But she’s not nearly as much of an outcast as I am. I have blond hair and blue eyes like my mother. It’s wavy, which is shocking to the “citizens”. It’s down to my knees in a braid because Claire refuses to let me get my hair cut with the “citizens”. She cuts her own hair, but won’t cut mine because she says I look better with long hair.

            Maybe I should explain about the Institute. Every baby born is sent to an Institute. They are there until they turn eighteen. They are trained to be good little servants. There’s one in every state/province (or country, if it’s small).

            Luckily, with my mother being the last one who wasn’t a “citizen” (and also the one who recommended we record this, but I’m not there yet), and all the books we’ve read, Claire and I are the last normal teenagers in the world. At least I thought that until we met the rest of the Clan, but I’m not there either.

            Anyway, it was my thirteenth birthday. Claire was on her way to Approved Jobs for Citizens. This whole place is a load of crap. [Hmm. You’re right, Claire. Maybe I do overuse the word crap.] During class, I tuned out and continued reading my book, the long-banned Harry Potter. Apparently, it fills your head with insane and false ideas of your own personal ability. Claire says I’ve read them all a hundred times. Which is ridiculous, because I’ve only read them ten times.

            At lunch, we had the usual bread, potatoes, mixed vegetables, and water. After thirteen years, it gets REALLY annoying. Of course for first year, it was formula and baby food, but still. Twelve years isn’t much better. I’m sad to say Claire and I did NOT find a secret kitchen.

            “Alex,” said Claire. I really wanted to tell her to shut up. I didn’t want to get in trouble with the Controllers. But I was so sick of the monotone that everyone in the Institute speaks with that I needed some originality. So I let her talk.

            “Don’t you think there should be more to life than this place?”

            I nearly choked on my bread when she said that.

            “Are you crazy?” I demanded, ignoring the fact that others were starting to stare.

            “I’m dead serious. We’ll just graduate from the school of robotizens and go out into the world of robotizens. We can’t do this forever. You know that.”

            Robotizens might actually be a good word to describe them, I thought. But I knew Claire was right. I’d spend most of my life trying to ignore the laughable stuff the Institute tells us. The Officials have told robotizens this is a better life for everyone. That people won’t have to think or worry about anything. That by letting the government take over your whole life, you are doing yourself a favor. Knowing the truth about the Officials probably helped.

            The reality is the Officials have ruined the planet. They are bending real people into robotizens. They do this to ensure no one can rise up against them. They have destroyed bodies of water and the atmosphere. Plants can only be grown in very few select areas. And the robotizens simply do what the Officials tell them, with no questions or doubts.

            But it couldn’t be a good idea to escape, right? It wouldn’t help anyone. We couldn’t change anything. But it had to be better than pretending to be robotizens forever, right?

            By the time I finished this train of thought, lunch was almost over. I stacked my tray in the pile and asked Claire why she came up with this now.

            “Because I heard they were considering increasing the age we stay here to twenty,” she said.

            “Are you kidding?” I asked.                       

            “See? This society will stay the same unless we at least try to do something to change it!”

            “I need to think about this. Meet me in the library later.”

            The last part was whispered. At the next convenient time, I snuck away to the library. I looked around for something to read when I went into a part of the library I had never seen before. It was basically an area with seats and tables. Strange, considering these books had been banned.

            Then Claire came in and I went to the front of the library. I brought her to the seats.

            “Hmmm. That’s weird. Someone must have used this place before us. Otherwise there wouldn’t be seats,” she said.

            “That’s obvious, but who else would be here?” I asked.

            “I think I just found out.”

            She picked up an Official badge from the floor.

            “That’s weird. The Officials confiscated these books. Why would they be reading them? That doesn’t make sense.”

            “That’s just wrong. They tell us these books are atrocities, and yet they read them? That doesn’t make sense.”

            That is 100% true. I noticed a big book on one of the tables. It was my favorite genetics book. Then I lifted it up. There was a tiny paperback under it. I blew the layer of dust off the cover and read the title.

 

The True Book of Greek Mythology

 

            “Greek mythology? Now I’m really confused!”

            “Just read it!”

            It was like no other Greek mythology book I’d ever seen. It talked about mythology today.

            “The Greek gods and monsters still exist. They are the only way to overpower the Officials. Bringing back the Olympians would be first. They could bring back the minor gods. Monsters re-form every time they are killed. Gods go to the Underworld whenever they are injured, and stay there until they are fully healed. No one knows where the gods are currently.

            “You know what this means, don’t you? We have a reason to leave!”

            “What?”

            “We’ll bring back the gods and save the world!”

            “What makes you think we could do that?”

            “Call it intuition or whatever, but I know this is what we’re supposed to do with our lives!”

            “Alright. But how are we supposed to get out of the Institute?”

            “I guess I could help with that part,” said someone emerging from the shadows.

            It was Ms. Duncan, our Citizen Creations teacher. That’s the only class that requires anything that even resembles creativity. Except now, she looked different. Her facial features were no longer like a robotizen’s, her hair had become lighter, and she was smiling.

            “Ms. Duncan?” I asked.

            “No, no, my real name is Iris,” she said.

            “You’re actually Iris, the Greek goddess of rainbows? And you’re at the Institute? This is some kind of big birthday prank, isn’t it?”

            “No, I’m afraid not. Everything you’ve seen in that book is absolutely true. And you are destined to bring back the gods.”

            “If there’s still other gods out there, why can’t they bring back the rest?”

            “I don’t know. I believe there’s a part of the quest that cannot be completed by another god.”

            “You don’t know for sure?”

            “No, but the part of Zeus that’s returned has forbidden the few remaining minor gods from doing anything.”

            “Part of Zeus? What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “Gods have multiple forms. They can be in several places at the same time. They are at their strongest when they are at full power, which it is your job to restore. Zeus is also why you are here.”

            “What?”

            “You’re a demigod, Alex. And so is Claire. She’s a daughter of Poseidon.”

            “Before we go any further, let me explain about Greek mythology a little bit. There’s twelve major gods, called the Olympians. They’re Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, Artemis, Apollo, Athena, Demeter, Ares, Hermes, Aphrodite, Hephaestus, and Dionysus. There’s also lots of minor gods. Zeus is god of the skies and his brother Poseidon is god of the seas. Many of the Olympians had a reputation for coming down from Mount Olympus and liking mortals, producing half-human, half-gods called demigods.

            I remembered Claire’s mother had been hiding with my mother. Then the Officials found her the day after Claire was born. My mother managed to escape, but only for about two weeks. I know this because I found a few pages of her diary in the bag my mother had given to me when the Officials took her. It was still in my dorm room.

            I also remembered Claire didn’t know her father (who we now knew was Poseidon). Come to think of it, neither did I. It was just never very important at the Institute.

            “Go and take these,” said Iris, handing me a small book, a backpack, and a charm bracelet.

            “How?” asked Claire.

            Iris picked up the small compact mirror from a nearby bookshelf. It was the only mirror in the Institute.

            “Have you ever wondered why there’s no others?”

            “All the robotizens look the same?”

            “Yes, but there’s another reason. They don’t want you to portal.”

            “Portal?”

            “Portalling is the easiest way to travel. You open a portal through a mirror and you can go anywhere. You just have to know where you’re going.”

            Iris opened a portal with the mirror.

            “I have to stay here. Good luck,” she said.

            We stepped into the portal. I didn’t feel anything happening, but when we arrived I felt a little dizzy.

            “We’re out!” Claire cheered.

            “Yeah. Now what?” I asked.

            I opened the book and saw it was my mother’s handwriting. There was a short note written on the first page. I saw it was written to me. The rest of the book was full of writing as well. I read the note and Claire read over my shoulder.

 

Dear Alex,

 

            You are much more special than you think you are. Contained within this book are the most important things you’ll need. The most important thing you’ll ever hear is this. You are not merely a demigod. You are also part Egyptian god, angel, and wizard - a rare and important combination. You can tell no one about the wizard part, except a few select people you will meet. I’m sorry I can’t meet you in person right now. You will discover more on your own. I believe in you, but you must come to believe in yourself.

 

            This was totally completely impossible.

            “Alex, are you okay?” asked Claire.

            Absolutely, if the definition of okay had changed into totally freaking out inside. Which it hadn’t, so I was absolutely NOT okay.

            “Not really. Let’s see the clue for the first god,” I replied.

 

A journey is what you shall take

To a big bright blue lake

Another land you will find

Be careful not to fall behind

Artemis is who you seek

Do not dare to take a peek

The moonstone is what you need

Make sure you complete the deed

 

 

“That makes absolutely no sense.”

            “Which is probably why it was chosen as the clue.”

            “A lake?”

            “I know. All the lakes are gone or polluted.”

            “Brilliant.”

            “I got it! There’s one lake that’s not polluted or destroyed! Lake Superior, the last of the Great Lakes!”

            “How are we supposed to get there?”

            “I think the better question is where exactly are we?”

            I didn’t see the Institute anywhere. Which meant we went pretty far. The Institute is huge.

            “That looks like the remains of the Statue of Liberty.”

            “Yes!”

            The Statue of Liberty had been destroyed when the Officials took over, because we obviously didn’t have any more liberty.

            “That helps, at least.”

            “Yeah, we’re in New York City. And we need to go west.”

            “And how exactly are we going to do that?”

            “I looked inside the backpack for anything useful.

            “Hoverboards!”

            This was the perfect way to get to the lake. At least until we realized we had no idea how to fly a hoverboard. So after a few minutes (and quite a few falls), we finally got in the air.

            “How fast do these things fly?”

            “Hopefully faster than a car.”

            It was a while before I noticed I wasn’t on my hoverboard anymore. Then I turned around and saw I was flying with my own pure white wings. My hoverboard was a few feet below me. I quickly put it back in the backpack.

            I figured this was the angel part. Not that I was any less surprised. Everything went smoothly for a while until Claire’s hoverboard ran out of fuel. We landed before it was completely empty. My wings folded almost flat against my back.

            “Now what?” I asked.

            “I don’t know! Where does one even get hoverboard fuel?” she asked.

            “The hoverboard convenience store?”

            “Look, it’s another Institute!”

            The Institute of New Jersey. I remembered back at our Institute in Pennsylvania, there had been a closet full of hoverboards and fuel. I found it once (what can I say? I had a lot of time!)

            “So?”

            “There’s probably hoverboard supplies in there!”

            “Are you crazy? We can’t break into an Institute! And even if we did, we’d never make it out!”

            “It’s the only place we could possibly get fuel!”

            “Alright. But we’re going to make a plan.”

            “Obviously. But we’ll need a map of this Institute.”

            “And how are we going to get that?”

            “I have an idea.”

 

 

 

            Five minutes later, I had taken an invisibility potion from the backpack and I was headed into the Institute. The first problem occurred when I reached the door. It was the huge padlock.

            “Shoot,” I muttered. I opened the backpack and found a lock-picking kit. The door clicked open after about three minutes. If all the things we needed we in the backpack, this quest would be a snap!

            I went in and found the map. I memorized it and went back out. This was easier and faster than you might think. I have a photographic memory. Claire and I discovered this after I memorized my first picture book after only reading it once. But that’s beside the point.

            “Alright. Let’s do this,” said Claire.

            “Take your potion. The hoverboard closet is one the other side of the Institute.”

            The trip to the hoverboard closet was easy, and we found the fuel almost instantly. I grabbed most of it and put it in the backpack. A bunch of robotizens came out from their classes. I noticed that one was different. His hair was darker than Claire’s but lighter than the robotizens. His face was different - it actually showed some emotion.

            The next thing I did was completely, irrevocably stupid. Especially for someone who knows organic chemistry (Claire prefers to learn calculus), but if I hadn’t done it I hadn’t done it, none of what happens next would have happened quite the same way. I grabbed the kid’s arm and pulled him out of the Institute.

            Claire probably looked at me like I was nuts, but I couldn’t tell (because I couldn’t see her). Surprisingly, the kid didn’t make a peep.

            When we got all the way out, the potion wore off. The kid just stared at us.

            Yes! A question! Robotizens are incapable of asking questions.

            “I’m Alex. This is Claire,” I said.

            “THE Alex? The Alex the Officials are saying is dangerous and evil? You’ve kidnapped me!”

            “No, we’re here to rescue you! We know you’re not a robotizen. You can have a real life. Just trust us.”

            “What’s a robotizen?”

            “Never mind. What’s your name?”

            “Computer.”

            “Real name?”

            “John. John Parker.”

            “Hold it! Why is your assigned name Computer?” asked Claire.

            “I use our Institute’s computers all the time. I’ve managed to access all the sites the Officials blocked. They never noticed.”

            The only website robotizens can see is the Official site.

            “How did you do that?”

            I’d wanted to access the rest of the ‘Net for some extra research. I managed to access a website about the damage the Officials had done, but that was it. I’d never been able to get all of them, and I’ve read every computer programming book there is!

            “Once, during an Official inspection, I got an Official’s password. I read eBooks and things on the Internet.”

            “Wow.”

            I reached into the backpack and found something interesting. It was an iPhone. Instead of being black or white, it was purple - my favorite color. The back had my name in some fancy font. I looked at the playlist and found it was every Taylor Swift song on the deluxe albums. At the Institute, I found some old Taylor Swift CDs. I absolutely loved them (but it was almost impossible to find a CD player for them). The iPhone itself was the newest version made before the Officials took over.

            The phone function, of course, was useless because no one had a phone of any kind. There was no reason to use it now, so I put it back. I found two more iPhones, one for Claire and one for John. I looked at Claire and John and found they were having a discussion about the Internet.

            “Come on. Let’s go.”

            “Go where? What are you talking about?” asked John.

            “It’s a long story that we don’t have time to tell because the Controllers should be noticing your absence any moment now. Just take a hoverboard and let’s get out of here before something bad happens,” said Claire.

            Soon, we were back up in the sky. I was kind of sad though, because all we could see were brown and gray clouds. The entire sky was brown and gray. It was the pollution caused by the Officials. The moon and sun were no longer visible. I chose this time to tell John our story.

            “I’m sure if Artemis was here, the moon would be there,” I commented.

            Artemis is the goddess of the moon and the hunt. She’s an eternal maiden and the twin sister of Apollo.

            Then I saw the sparkling blue water and I knew we had arrived. I couldn’t help but smile. But I thought it was kind of weird to save one lake. But no one said the Officials make sense.

            I tucked in my wings and let myself fall for a few seconds. Of course, from my reading, I knew exactly what was going on. This was free fall - when no other force than gravity is acting on an object. Well, it would be if you don’t count air resistance and friction. I knew I was accelerating at about 9.8m/s2. But at that moment, I couldn’t care less about physics. I just felt the air rushing beneath me. All my scientific thoughts suddenly flew out the window.

            If everything outside of the Institute was as amazing as this, I would never even think about going back. I spread my wings again and hovered above the lake. I noticed that Claire and John were still far away. I wished they could do the free fall thing, but they didn’t have wings and the hoverboards couldn’t do something like that.

            I tucked my wings back in and landed. I waited for Claire and John. They came down, and were were ready to enter the lake.

            The fact this lake remained really bothered me. Why would they save one lake? If the Officials wanted to destroy the world (and I know they did), why not do it thoroughly? And turns out, there’s a very good reason. And that’s exactly what we were about to find, whether we liked it or not.

So is it any good? I know it can't be any worse than My Immortal or Jo Bekke. So just review and tell me what you think of the chapter!

 

Comments & reviews · 3
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PatriciaTina
Review

Hey there! Again, I can't say enough how sorry I am for taking so long, but your review is finally here! So let's just get started.... (Hopefully I'm not repeating too much of what's already been said...)

First off, I think that you have a good plot idea here, but it does need a bit of work to get rid of any pesky small plot holes or problems that hold it back.

For example, I think one thing you really need to work on is your prologue. Right now, it doesn't really have a concrete point and we would understand just as much without reading it. We don't really get the chance to be introduced to the world, or even to some integral aspect of your story that we should know but you cannot add to the following chapters.

What I would suggest is to slow it down. Really think about what you want to accomplish with the prologue and make something that draws us in, making us want more. Show us what these characters are going through, and give us a reason to care.

And I think that goes for the rest of your story as well. You jump around a lot throughout this, giving us quick choppy glimpses of the events of the story. We don't really get to connect with the characters or even grasp what's going on before they're off to whatever they are doing next. SLOW DOWN, and show us what's going on!

Now, I know that this is a hard thing to accomplish, especially when just starting out. It's a problem that I'm sure every single writer anywhere has come across at some point, and it's something that can only be fixed through work and dedication. Character development and pacing take time.

To help out though, you may want to take a look at a few articles that I'll link to below:

Showing vs. Telling: http://www.writingforward.com/writing-t ... -dont-tell
Character development: http://fullcircle.comicgenesis.com/char ... opment.htm and http://www.plottopunctuation.com/blog/show/56
Pacing: http://www.writersstore.com/techniques- ... ish-pacing

Hopefully those are helpful and give you some ideas of how to work on your technique more.

I also noticed a few more detailed things you may want to take a look at. First off, I just want to mention Alex and Claire's angst about being oppressed by their society.

What I noticed with this is that it seems a bit odd that they would be able to be so outspoken and defiant against whatever powers were ruling over them. In a typical dystopia or dictatorship - which is what I'm thinking you're after (correct me if I'm wrong!) - the rulers use force to keep their people in line, and make sure that everyone agrees with them. People want to fit in, and by acting the way they are Alex and Claire stick out like sore thumbs. (Excuse the cliche... ;)) Give them a reason why they are so defiant, or else build up that feeling that something isn't right. Ease your characters into the hero role, because otherwise you're just making two characters who are in no way believable or relatable.

It was a while before I noticed I wasn’t on my hoverboard anymore. Then I turned around and saw I was flying with my own pure white wings. My hoverboard was a few feet below me. I quickly put it back in the backpack.
I figured this was the angel part. Not that I was any less surprised. Everything went smoothly for a while until Claire’s hoverboard ran out of fuel. We landed before it was completely empty. My wings folded almost flat against my back.


Wait, wait, wait a second! WINGS? Really? This is one thing that we really need you to develop first. I know you mentioned a few paragraphs before that she's part angel, but it's a bit difficult to believe that she would just all of the sudden, out of the blue grow a pair of wings. Don't just dump a revelation as shocking as this without any warning or real reaction from your character. I mean, put yourself in her shoes a minute. One second she's on her hoverboard flying away, and then all of the sudden she has wings? If that were me I would be completely FREAKING out. It would scare the "crap" out of me, and I'm sure most people would have a similar reaction.

And this is also a good idea of a section you could utilize to develop her character more as well as Claire's. Have them react to her growing wings, more than just saying "Oh, I have wings. How different." People's reactions to the events around them are a very important indicator to what type of personality they have, and as a writer you absolutely cannot pass up opportunities like this to develop your characters.

Moving on though.

Your next scene also has a ton of potential, if you would just slow it down a little. I mean, show us who would be hesitant to break in, and why, as well as the scene where they are actually doing the breaking in. Make it so that they're actually doing something dangerous by breaking into this other institute, and draw it out by adding some suspense. Will they get caught or escape? Will they get what they're looking for? Hook your reader in so they keep reading.

That's also a technique you may want to put into use in other parts of your story as well though. For instance, when they are leaving they just hop on their hoverboards and leave. By doing this, the impression you're giving is that they are free to do as they please, running away from the institute without anyone caring. Put out some obstacles, and make it seem like there's a reason why they need to escape from the rulers. VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!

I reached into the backpack and found something interesting. It was an iPhone. Instead of being black or white, it was purple - my favorite color. The back had my name in some fancy font. I looked at the playlist and found it was every Taylor Swift song on the deluxe albums. At the Institute, I found some old Taylor Swift CDs. I absolutely loved them (but it was almost impossible to find a CD player for them). The iPhone itself was the newest version made before the Officials took over.
The phone function, of course, was useless because no one had a phone of any kind. There was no reason to use it now, so I put it back. I found two more iPhones, one for Claire and one for John. I looked at Claire and John and found they were having a discussion about the Internet.


Now, as for this I just have a couple small things to say.

First off, where did she get the backpack? I looked back and I can't really see anything about this mysterious backpack's origins, or how they fit hoverboards, iphones and various other mysterious things inside. Must be a very big backpack?

I know, very nit-picky, but sometimes I get like that. Sorry!

I just have one last thing I'll touch on, and that's the whole aspect with the gods and legends you're trying to work into your story - namely the whole thing where Alex is descended from gods, angels and wizards. Kind of complicated, don't you think?

With this combined with everything about these officials, hoverboards, dystopias, etc. you're building a VERY complicated web of a plot. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, except that it's giving off the feeling like you're just dumping in whatever you think of to make it interesting.

My advice: Simple is most likely better. Slow it down, and simplify this web a bit. You're setting yourself up to get confused about what you added before and it's only a matter of time before you start contradicting yourself. Pick the most important aspects and take out some. It'll make it easier on you as well as the reader to keep track of everything that's going on.

You have a good start here, but you just need to keep working on it. Nobody is perfect when they first start, and the only way to improve is by working non-stop, constantly looking for ways to get better. It's what everyone has to do, so please don't get discouraged! Writing takes work.

I hope this helped though, and that it made sense. If you have any questions or problems with anything I mentioned above, please do ask/tell me. I'm here to help, and I sincerely hope that I accomplished just that.

My hands are getting very sore though, so I must bid you adieu! Again, I apologize a million times over for taking so long. Hopefully I'll be able to get more time to spend on here once I'm done exams and everything. Only about two more weeks! :)

Anyways, I'll just sign off by saying goodnight, and I hope to see you around again sometime! Bye!

~ Patricia Tina

I'm considering removing the prologue.

User avatar
Master_Yoda
Review

Hello Artemis and Zohali93,

As per Zohali's request, this is primarily a review on Zohali's review, but feel free to listen in, Artemis, as I hope it will help you too.

Okay, Zohali, let's get started.

I want to start by critiquing the validity of the review. Your first couple of points were non-issues for me.

She had been Spider for too long
means that Hayley's nickname was Spider. The line
I have to get to Bored Out of your mind 101
implies that the narrator has nicknamed the class "Bored Out of your Mind 101" because it is boring. The fact that you did not see them as such is not a flaw in your review, however. It's good to point out stuff like that.

I think that your second point is inaccurate. It is not always necessary to use imagery to describe the setting. It is only necessary to describe a setting when the description facilitates understanding. A setting is simply a tool to tie a reader down to the story by providing an environment for him to immerse himself. Provided you have enough of an anchor, description of the setting is not necessary.

The problem is that this story has no anchor. See, the problem is broader then the lack of description, but if executed correctly description might be able to convince the reader that they are reading something real. So, you have offered a solution, but it is not the only, nor the most efficient of solutions.

What really anchors a reader to a story is the story's depth and the level with which it can engage with its reader. Characters play a big part in this. A character who is a freaking angel god elf pixie-fairy goblin-wizard with wings and can kick butt and is like the best at everything is not a real character. It's what we call a Mary Sue. A couple of real characters on the other hand, whose interactions are engaging and true, can make the reader forget description was totally absent in a story.

A good rule to use for description is, if it is necessary to describe for the purposes of understanding what is going on, describe. If not, work with character interaction and dialogue for your anchor. When you describe, make sure description is gritty and potent.

One of the biggest problems with this story for me was its exposition and pacing. You rightly pointed out that this story is rushed. But most writers struggle with pacing. You have to ask how this can be remedied. What is the root of the writer's problem? In this case, I personally believe that the rush of the piece is largely due to writing that superficially focuses on the outcome rather than the journey itself.

The writer tells us about the oppression of the Officials, but we see none of it. Instead, we see relative freedom, and it really doesn't seem like her plight is so bad. These more gritty parts of the journey are the parts that are worth spending time on, and serve to contrast and complement the more happy go lucky parts of the journey in which the heroine is playing heroics.

You might come to a different conclusion about the root of the problem, but you should always try to find it, and highlight it for the writer. This quest for the root of your reviewer's problems is ultimately at the center of your own journey of growth as a writer. You learn how to manage your own pacing, balance your own rhythms, and craft your own stories by identifying what precisely appeals and does not appeal to you as you read and critique.

The flaw in exposition that you point out when the writer rushes to tell you Iris is a god is spot on. As is your identification of the plot hole of John and his willingness to tell. Pointing out these, will unlikely teach you as a writer, but they definitely help the reader. Try say them as briefly as possible.

There is something that you should have noticed and mentioned, but you didn't seem to: This story is an amalgamation of the Hunger Games as a sci-fi dystopia, and Percy Jackson with the Greek Gods. Along with this, the character loves Taylor Swift, and spends her time in a secret library like The House of Anubis, perhaps. Oh, and throw in a hoverboard just to ensure that Back to the Future doesn't feel left out. What's happening is that the writer is not in control of the story. It's emotional rather than logical and that means that it will be a projection of fantasies rather than a solid story.

You should look for trends between the writer's personal state of mind and the story. These are often critical in remedying big flaws and changing perspective. It also trains you to pick up these flaws in your own story. Like it or not, we're all swayed by our own experiences and being objective is very important for a writer.

Overall, I think your review was fairly clear, pretty helpful, and mostly valid. Good job.

Yoda

So....it was really bad?

Nope. It just need to be more realistic and clear and all of what yoda just pointed out.
Try reading it in the perspective of someone who doesn't know what its about. You know what you wrote but try to read it like you don't.

Good to know. It's kind of hard for me to take criticism, but I know no one is perfect. I am going to make a chapter where Artemis says how terrible storytellers the rest of the Clan is. How would you recommend creting more description in the later parts, because I really don't want to go back and edit previous chapters, because that would involve much erasing, retyping, and printing?

Your story will need a rewrite eventually, but for now I suggest pushing forward, and trying to draw focus away from dialogue and your MC's personality and directing it towards what she observes around her. Try to get into her head. And remember she's not always happy and in a good mood. And she's not perfect either.

User avatar
zohali93
Review

Hey there. :)
You've got a great story going on there but there are quite a couple of things that I'd like to point out to you:
First off you wrote,
"She had been Spider for too long" It didn't make much sense to me so I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. Same deal with this line, "I have to get to Bored Out of Your Mind 101.”



In your prologue, and chapter one, I couldn't quite picture what was going on. Where you were talking about the young woman I couldn't see it clearly, I suggest that you could use more imagery to describe the setting. In chapter one where they were in the institution, I could only picture the two talking, but I couldn't see where they were clearly.


Also your story seems kind of rushed,

“You know what this means, don’t you? We have a reason to leave!”
“What?”
“We’ll bring back the gods and save the world!”
“What makes you think we could do that?”
“Call it intuition or whatever, but I know this is what we’re supposed to do with our lives!”
“Alright. But how are we supposed to get out of the Institute?”

It seems like they were too quickly in beliveing in what they read. It was like they didn't doubt it at all. Maybe you could have slowed it down a bit.

In this line,
“No, no, my real name is Iris,” she said.
“You’re actually Iris, the Greek goddess of rainbows? And you’re at the Institute? This is some kind of big birthday prank, isn’t it?”

I felt that you had a big chance in surprising the readers because it wasn't really obvious to me that she would be a goddess. Also how was it that two people whose life is like the one I just read, be able to make that huge connection. Even though they had a greek book that is a huge step. You could have surprised people big time by giving readers time to take in this knew charecter. They would form this image of her then be surprised that she was actually a goddess. (This is just a suggestion/idea. I'm not saying you have to do it)

Whats the relationship between Alex and the teachers? If theres something going on you might want to add that in because when the kid they pulled out of the crowed told them that he was told they were dangerous...Made me confused because I didn't see any hostility towards Alex.
Why did John just reveal that info about the computer, he thought Alex was going to kidnap him but now he trusts him with info?


Wow, now that I've got that out of the way, it seems like this was your best work yet and really wanted reviews. I thought it would be better if I tell you what I liked. I don't know maybe it will help somehow.

First off I like how you didn't mention Alex's parent. That letter she recieved was great! I loved it! It really made me want to know more. It's like this part of the story has it's suspence polished. ( just a suggestion, maybe you could do some polishing for the beggining)

That prophecy(I assume it was a prophecy) , made it really better. I think I was more hooked to this part then the begining.
You've got one heck of an idea going on there, Just remember to slow down, and explain the situation and use more imagery.
I hope this helped. (It's my first time writing a review this long. I'm not use to reviewing. :) )

;) Need more help, ask me and I'll try my best if I can do it.

Thanks! I've written quite a few more chapters, I just haven't had the time to post them.



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year