Young Writers Society

Goodness; for flash fiction, this is quite vivid. o-o

Nicely done, artemis15sc! I'm impressed by how you could communicate so much in so few words. What began as a slightly creepy scene, which provided enough details to leave the reader wary of what is about to happen, but not so much as to leave the reader guessing accurately about future events in the story, quickly turned in a gruesome, but vivid and amazing, scene, and I love it. Obviously, this guy picked the wrong person to call rude names, and be basically a horrible jerk to. Beyond that, due to the plot of the story, I'm fascinated by, in just 400-500 words, you were able to describe the general relationship between the former couple so vividly, and the dramatic way that the girl first takes revenge, with what I assume is dark magic, and then murders herself afterwards. This story is clear, the details here are vivid, and I can envision everything. I can see the way that she caresses her doll, the way she takes out the pieces of the broken doll, and see the dismembered remains of what had once been her lover. This story is a flash fiction masterpiece, an excellent composition of a shocking plot event, amazing details that displayed the scene clearly, and highlighted the central conflict of the story in such an apparent manner. Great job!

I would like to, however, point out a couple of errors in the story:

Her legs burned in protest as she forced them stiffly forward, but she couldn't stop now, she had to see.

soft hair like angel wings

The house was around the next street, she remembered though she had not been there in some time.

They were already there, she had to hurry.

His eyes would look and no other woman's, his lips scream that she was a whore and lying scum no more.

Gugvuykcitydugkvugcyutd6tfuictityc!!!! Sorry, this stupid tablet posts everything twice!

Dear artemis15sc, I must say your story here is very good, especially if this is your first time writing this sort of thing. Sorry if my review sucks. However, there are a few errors with your story. First off, just saying, I am not entirely familiar with what this "red thread" business is, so if my comments are terrible, please forgive me. One thing you could do for your story is include a note or something talking about what kind of black magic she is doing. You are very good at providing hints at what kind of magic she did, and what the spell did, and your way of not giving the whole picture has an allure to it. However, and this just be my opinion, it would be nice if you dropped a few more hints. You have other errors as well. "The eyes and lips were shown shut..." In this sentence, I think you mean sewn instead of shown. His eyes would look, and no other woman's, his lips scream she was a whore and lying crum no more." Here, I think you most likely skipped a word or two, as "His eyes would look, and no other woman's..." makes very little sense. The second half of the sentence, I think you should use a different adjective instead of "wh*re". The rhyme kind of lessens the effectiveness of the sentence. One last thing, I think you should probably clarify whether or not she killed him because he was being unfaithful, or she killed him because she didn't want to give him the chance to be unfaithful. I am sorry if I nitpicked a little...oops! Anyway, overall, I really like this story. You use tone excellently, and have created a masterfully spooky story! Please keep writing, and best of luck!

Hello, steampowered here for a review! Considering that this is a flash fiction, I was seriously impressed. I don’t think I’ve read any of your work before, but if these are the kinds of ideas and quality you come up with in a short space of time, I’ll definitely have to check out some of your other stories!

I really like the dark atmosphere of this piece, and I also like the way in which you never refer to the main character by name. I feel like her anonymity definitely makes her a more sinister character…

I felt like this was quite ambiguous in some places, and I’m not sure if this was deliberate (due to the dark atmosphere of the piece) or if it was purely because you were writing this in a hurry. I got a little bit confused with regards to the doll and couldn’t quite make out what was going on. I feel like there’s some kind of voodoo magic going on, but I wasn’t sure why the medics were hurriedly trying to reassemble the dismembered remains of what I assume is a human body, as this surely isn’t possible… or is it a doll they’re trying to resurrect?

were shown shut