Young Writers Society

Hello Artemis,

You did a really good job capturing the image you were trying to portray. I feel like if I googled monk on fire, I'd be able to actually find the exact picture you're talking about. That's really a huge step in the right direction. I'm very happy that you're already there, be proud ^^ It takes a lot of time to get that.

You're also working with a subject that's going to give you a lot of ammo when you want it. That being said, I don't think you do quite enough to really jab at the heartstrings with this picture. Instead of just talking about the picture, use the connotations of words, the hidden meanings of them if you will, to really poke at the ideas and emotions of the person reading the poem. For instance, instead of just saying "white" cloak, maybe the first time you say it, add pure or innocent. It's an adjective yes, but it's going to give you a different feel than just having blunt white. This, of course, is up to you because depending on how you want to write your poetry this could be bad advice.

A better example of making your words work for you might be "hunches off to the side" or "postures" even. The more you add in words like this, the better this poem is going to get because the more work each word is going to do on it's own. You could use "strolling" for instance, instead of walking, and that's going to give the poem a whole new feel to it.

I think the more that you utilize the words like that, the more emotional you can make the reader because that's where the power is and you've mastered descriptions enough that now you can start fine-tuning the words you use to describe.

Aley

Hey, I'm here to review!

Okay, this poem describes an event of a monk burning himself. While imageries can make the scene powerful and able to grip readers' emotions, a meaning to it is crucial as well. You lack both aspects of it. Poem is not just using few words to convey large messages. It's about choosing words carefully and making sure each one of them gives a powerful impact to the reader. In short, its about beauty in stanzas, lines, and phrases.

Did I say about stanzas? Yeah, you should have them. Break this into stanzas. While I'm sure all of these merge as a single event, the event itself is told in many layers and processes. First would be the monk's state. Second would be the other monks surrounding him. Third would be the people watching him. Fourth - and this is optional and can be efficient - is the surrounding atmosphere.

I looked up this information about the monk and found out it was an act of protest to the persecutions of Buddhists. See, this act conveys a deep meaning to it. Given the poem, someone that has no knowledge about this event and the story behind it would not get why it's so important to be captured in poetry other than it's unusual to have someone burning himself. Put in the reason to make this poem more meaningful.

Lastly, a bit of suggestions on how to twist the words around:

White flames demand attention -
on what it has done to a person.
Others turn white too, receiving its impact.
The man in it has a part of his face shown to the camera.
His eyes glistened, the movement of the flame dancing on him
making him look like being bathed by sunlight.

Okay wow! Very descriptive giving a clear view of the scene in this poem.
I like the idea that you compared the monks dressed in white to angels on the other side.

'bathed in sunlight'

Wow! that was a good one. Imagery is what you achieved in this chose of words.
You painted a imagine of of the monk covered with flame all over his body
like bathing in a pool of water covering all over the body.

Secondly, boy i have to tell you this, your poetry structure was poor.
I know you've have written several other poems but this would have been perfect
if you grouped the stanzas to make the poem pop out.
Have to admit that your title was catchy and made me open it but when i first saw your
poem, generally it looked lengthy and made me not want to check it out.
I hesitated but then sank into the poem. Just think about it, you could have gotten
more likes or consideration for your poem if you had structured the way
you layer out your splendid work of art.

Reciting this poem out loud it was a mouth full.
You could have improvised and made it short and simple with fewer words.
It kind of sounded like a short story to me.
"The monk is sitting with his legs crossed, like he’s meditating"

An example of making it simple is this;
"The monk sitting cross-legged, like he's meditating"

But overall this was a good work of art you got there mate.
Judging from your other writings that you like creating writings
associating with fire, flame and hot stuff. (curious to know why)

Gosh! don't want to waste your priceless time but do consider the above suggestions love.
Cheers!
===Becky===

To start, I think the inspiration behind him is pretty cool and it's what made me want to read the poem in the first place. I was really interested as to how you put that into a poem....anyway, I think maybe changing those two beginning lines to just "white." Or maybe something with less words because in the way it's in right now, it doesn't seem to creative. Or maybe instead of white, you want to say nothing or empty or even light, depending on what it is your really trying to convey. Furthermore, instead of coming outright and saying "the monks are dressed in white," you may want to say dipped in white or something else so it's not so...flat? I think changing around a few lines in a similar fashion would be helpful too...other than that, nice work.

Hey artemis15sc.

The flames look white.

Everything is white.

The part of his face exposed to the camera glistens

Like he’s being bathed in sunlight.

The Monks around him are dressed in white too

The Monks around him are dressed in white too

The monk is sitting with his legs crossed, like he’s meditating

Meditation makes you one with earth

One man in the corner is walking away