Shannon (Part One)

Little old wise one? Is that what I am? Is that what my name is supposed to mean? Or is it all a lie?

Freedom is just a dream, a worthless wish that we all want, but know we can never get.

What is meaning? Why does life need a meaning? Why do actions need meaning? Why do we do things that other people despise?

Who taught us the wrong and rights? Who said that we have to all follow rules?

Are all rules made to be broken? Are rules just in place to guide us to do the right thing so no one else gets into trouble? What if it reversed?

What if the things we are supposed to do now were the things we were punished for?

Imagine that? Imagine if no one in this world worked, it would be a different place right?

Why do we need rules? Are they actually beneficial to me? Are they actually going to help me in life?

I’m writing this from a hospital bed, two nights ago I witnessed my mother get murdered, she was holding a letter which was covered in blood and they wouldn’t let me see what it said.

This is me, I’m Shannon and I’m the girl who needs an escape before any of this gets way out of control.

Before this happened, I spent a lot of my life doing drugs, getting drunk and having sex with guys old enough to be my Dad.

My family didn’t know about any of this, I made sure I covered up all my tracks, I wasn’t stupid.

School never really made any sense to me, I didn’t see the point of being told what to do, I didn’t like it, it’s amazing to reflect and realise how delusional I was.

I never really had a mum, I never really had a Dad that cared about me enough to stop me from doing the wrong things, maybe that’s why I was off the rails, maybe that’s part of the reason I’m sat in this hospital bed awaiting my scan results from the numerous amounts of X-Rays I’ve had.

This lockdown thing, I thought it was an excuse, I thought it was a way for me to really capture myself in this weird and wonderful world. That was until I saw them kill my mum. It was then I realised, I haven’t ever really been a good daughter and sister, it made me realise that the escapes I gave myself was actually burying my head in the sand even further. This hurt me.

I’m sure my brothers loved me, I‘m sure they were trying to find me, but it was so dark, I couldn’t recognise the places I saw every day. I wonder why this happened to my family. It s true, you don’t realise what you have until its gone and that realisation I was feeling had really gotten to me.

As a kid I heard my auntie Janice recall her teenage years, she said what if? What if she didn’t make the mistakes she made? Why do adults do this? Why do they have ghosts in the past that follow them in the back of their minds until the day they die? Well now I realise, my whole life has been a haunting memory, no doubt these ghosts will stay in my mind until I go, why mum? Why can’t I be the one who got killed? I haven’t heard from Jan in years, I wonder how she is.

As hours go by, I’m sat in this community hospital, funded by the nurses and doctors who didn’t agree with this lockdown, I’ve heard dozens of stories, I’m sat on this ward surrounded by injured people, each of them has an amazing story to tell, but this one women really stood out to me, I overheard her talk about a child she never had, she fell pregnant at 18 at was forced to have an abortion.

I stood on my feet, as much as it hurt, I approached her. I held her hand and told her “It’s over soon, all of this, it’s going to be over, and I’m Shannon.”

Her bright green eyes lit up, her face created an etching of a smile, she looked at me, staring at my hair and holding a few strands, “I can see your pain and you smell of it.”

I was confused, the hospital fell silent, no one had spoken a single word, I had dozens of eyes stare at me, she still was looking at me and she was still staring at me. It was overwhelming; she looked at me as if I was something to her, obviously I couldn’t speak to her in this smelly and muggy ward.

A week went by, I had missed 9 days of the lock down, this town looked like something from an apocalypse, I was guided to this safe zone among the over patients, they had food, electricity and hot water, it really was the little things that meant the most to me. I then saw her again, this mysterious women who somehow knew my pain? Or did she? Was she just as stubborn as the councillor I had at school? She knew who I was immediately as I stepped foot in the door. She called me over.

“Hi Shannon, it’s Janice, we need to speak.”

I followed her into the hallway, all I heard was gun shots and screaming from the road surrounding this place, there is no way this place is going to last.

“I know what’s happened to mum, she was in a bad place, she came to tell you something, I only have 78 hours darling, I have breast cancer, I know this is tough, I know I’ve never been an Auntie, I know you realise my mistakes as much as I realise yours, I’ve been in contact with Dill for months, he’s told me everything, tell me, why did you want to die?”

As if this couldn’t get any worse, my Auntie who I haven’t seen in years has just told me she’s going to die, I’m slowly losing everything, everything I never had.

I couldn’t respond, I just looked at her, amazed at the chance of seeing her, I didn’t question her reasoning for being here, but I think its self explanatory. I looked at her in the eyes, I broke down in tears.

My body was trembling, I haven’t been sober for this long, the drugs I had taken were having a mental effect on me, I’m only 15, what the fuck have I been doing.

“Get clean, move away from here, I have money for you and your brothers, make a new start, fall in love, have a family, but don’t ever forget this, we always loved you, we did care, you never called me or your mum Shannon that was all you had to do.”

I was disgusted at myself, this hallway stank of piss and I had my Auntie giving me all the answers. My mind was going in circles. None of this made sense to me, but I didn’t have the energy to respond, I was the needle in the haystack of all of the shit that life handed to me, I only ever wanted a normal family.

I then heard a familiar voice, it was William, he looked at me and his face was as white as a ghost, he stumbled to me, the floor was covered in tin cans and empty cigarette packets.

“They told me you would be here, we’re okay, Dillon and I are fine.” He said, I could tell he was disgusted with me, he looked at the recovering scars on my wrists and the cigarette burns on my thighs, his face churned like he was eating a toxic waste sweet.

Will never took enough time to look at me, he was stubborn. He didn’t expect me to look like this.

They spoke about me, Will told me I needed sleep, Jan passed me a necklace my mum had bought her on her 10th birthday and said “this is the last time I’ll ever see you darling, make a go at life, really try this time, I know it’s tough but you can do it, make everyone proud.”

“I’m not worthy of this, but I’ll try,” I responded, I picked myself up off the floor, gave her one last hug and walked away with Will. I felt so empty, I didn’t recognise myself.

The walk to Mrs Richardson’s was a long and hard walk, I saw so much blood on the streets, I saw my childhood memories in ruins, the air was clogged with thick black smoke, the struggle to breath clean air was just as difficult than saying bye to Janice, I felt so much remorse and pain I was in a weird state. Will didn’t question what happened, he just held my hand and told me that we’re leaving in 3 hours, I didn’t question where we were going, I just accepted it and tried to find the positives.

Dillon handed me a hot chocolate and some clothes, I removed the clothes I had been wearing for 9 days and had a shower. They felt like a tattoo, a tattoo that had so many memories it hurt to take them off.

As I buttoned my shirt up, Mrs Richardson sat me down on her bed; she clutched me so tight I struggled to breath maybe that was the thick air that was clogged in my lungs though.

“Shannon, its difficult isn’t it? I don’t want you asking questions or answering them if you don’t want to, but this is a new opportunity for you to make something of yourself, you were an amazing artist as a child, I remember that beautiful family photo you drew, the attention of the emotion in the faces was incredible, even for a 6 year old.”

She carried on talking; stroking my hand that was holding the necklace Janice gave me. This was the first time in so long that I was able to understand myself, I was still young, people did hide things from me, but it was my choice now that was the most important. Do I carry on ruining myself or do I do my family proud and go with William and Dill?

I went downstairs, the house smelt of lavender, it was well lit and I felt at home, I felt safe here.

We turned on the TV, there was going to be a sudden halt in the lockdown, the government had finally woken up and realised that the UK wasn’t safe like this. The news was the only channel we could get.

A sigh of relief lifted the quiet atmosphere, the pause was going to take place in an hour and we had an hour to leave. There was no answer of how long the pause was going to last, but it was the right thing to do, for everyone, the army was now taking control.

We saw a vast amount of trucks go by, it felt safe here for a moment, but we didn’t have long to go to Saumur in France.

I hugged Mrs Richardson and she looked proud, she was going to be safe here.

She was moving to London with the Elderly group from the Army, we had nothing to worry about, she was as hard as nails, her smile was beautiful, her grey curly hair was perfect in place, she was a remarkable women, even though I didn’t spend a lot of time with her as a kid, she knew me inside out and never judged me, she was a saint.

Everything was happening so quickly, before we knew it we were on the ferry, Saumur is renowned for being peaceful and tranquil and it was also where my mum was born.

Just 200 metres from the south bank of the Loire River was where we had rented out a cottage, it was a beautiful place, the 9 hours of travelling had killed me though, but I could only think of Janice.

She was so strong, she didn’t want me to go and I could see that, but she didn’t want me to see her die, she had it all planned out for me, it was my time to do her proud.

After a few days, it seemed quite unreal, it wasn’t even in our minds what was happening back home, the realisation of what had happened to us just didn’t sink in.

There was so much going off it didn’t feel like anything made any sense, I had my whole life explained to me in a matter of hours, next thing I know I’m in this beautiful peaceful place in France.

I feel like I can’t get my words out, but being here has made me think about how messed up everything is, how I’ve coped is unbelievable, still, Will doesn’t know what happened to me that night, it’s something I can see bursting out of his mind, I want him to ask me, but we’ve all been through so much, at least we’re here now, safe and sound.

Cassandra Clare said “They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 

I’m not exactly one for looking too much into quotes, but this stood out to me, more than it should have done. She was from Iran, a place where grief is existent every single day, she’s a writer, she writes Sci-Fi novels and I loved her second series of books called The Infernal Devices, they helped me escape from the depressive mind.

I haven’t picked one of her books up in months; I didn’t even bring them here with me.

Looking back now, I realise what happened to us a few days ago was nothing on scale of what she has seen or heard, time really is the furthest distance, but these situations don’t just happen, something was truly wrong with the way the country was ran, I’m a lucky one, I have this escape now.

Me and Will went out for a walk amongst the river, the sun was shining, the grass smelt so fresh, the air was clear, it felt unreal, I couldn’t believe the sensations of being outside, until I tripped on a stone, that reminded me why I hated going outside all together. It was 3pm, where has my day gone?

“What happened then? I want to know,” William said tenderly.

“Look Will, you don…”

“Shannon, just tell me, we’ve bought you here it’s the least you can do, tell me what happened.” Will got angry under his breath; this was taking a toll on him.

“Okay, well, it was just a normal night, some guys came to pick me up, they wanted to get high with me, next thing I know I see them hit my mum and then I was kept away from everyone for a few days, I can’t remember.” I could remember, I just didn’t want everything to come back to me.

“You’re such an idiot you do realise? Look whilst you were in hospital, we met Janice and she told us that Mum wanted us to come here and move away, that was what she had in that letter, she didn’t write her name in blood, I think this was set up Shannon, something went wrong and now we’re here, thank fuck Dillon is finding a job, or else we’d struggle.” Will let it all out now, what he was saying made horrific sense.

I didn’t say anything, I just gave him a look of agreement, it made sense, but why our family? Why us? Why was this decision made? Were there any other repercussions we were about to face?

“You see this stone Shannon? If I throw this, it will skim along the river, it will eventually come to a stop, imagine me and you and Dillon are on the final skim, it’s our choice whether we sink or go that little bit extra.” William spoke in weird ways, I understood him, only vaguely.

“Because at the end of the day, it’s done now, it’s all finished for us. We have to make our family name proud; we have to make a new start here. I don’t hate you, neither does Dillon, but we need you to be who you want to be, there’s no pressure, there’s nothing to say that in 2 years we can be back in England, but for now, this is home.” Wills words drilled straight into my brain, this was the longest conversation I’ve had with him in years, I haven’t even spoke that much.

“I’m gonna go for a walk Will, I want to get an idea of home.” Will looked towards me with a smile, I felt warm inside. He turned away and headed back into the cottage.

As I approached the town, the atmosphere was electric, everyone was smiling and happy, the smell of wine masked the fresh air I was breathing, the amazing buildings looked beautiful, the pebble work on the path made this place seem almost medieval. I felt extremely safe here, I felt like something inside me finally pieced together.

I stepped into a café; I had a bit of money left over from when we came to Paris a few years back on a business trip with Dad. I ordered a Latte and sat on an amazingly crafted wooden chair, the walls were full of photographs of famous musicians who had visited this place in the past, they had music playing, I couldn’t understand what they were saying but it sounded like a really weird French Arctic Monkeys, I guess that’s okay. I haven’t heard music in what feels like forever, this little shop had so much going for it, I wondered if every place was like this.

As the coffee was delivered to me, a boy caught my eye, he had brown hair all combed back, he was in a white shirt and black skinny jeans, he looked clean and happy, his skin was so oily, he was literally to die for. He saw me and smiled, I played with my hair and kept looking at him, his smile lit up the room, his hands were covered in bracelets and his ears were stretched, he looked quite tall, I noticed he was wearing odd socks, but I guess I could let him off.

I noticed every detail in such a short amount of time, his pearly white teeth, he looked awfully English and then to my surprise he came and sat next to me.

“I’m Marc, you are?” his voice was crisp and he spoke in a northern tone. He was obviously older than me.

“I’m Shannon…” I nervously replied.

He then sat and stared for a good few minutes, I think he was trying to work me out.

“So, I’m guessing you’re here simply for safety? It’s terrible what’s happened over there.” Marc came closer and didn’t stop looking.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” I replied, I was getting freaked out, but I loved it at the same time.

“Well, why don’t you come to the town square tonight, my band are playing, it’s for the festival, I might even dedicate one of my songs to you,” he had confidence, he knew exactly what I liked straight away, I couldn’t turn down an offer like this.

I nodded and he said “8:20, be there, I’ll be looking out for you.” Marc got up and left, he didn’t take his eyes off me, even when he was halfway across the street.

I couldn’t play hard to get with him, I tried but he just wasn’t having it.

Fuck me, I’ve been here nearly 2 weeks and I step foot in this café and this beautiful guy just comes along and straight away wants me to see him, I’m in luck.

I finished my coffee and headed back up to the cottage. I was in a slight state of confusion, but I don’t know, there was something about him, I didn’t want to jump straight into bed with him, he doesn’t even know I’m fifteen.

Dillon came back and was sat watching TV with Will; I had at least an hour or two before I had to go. I sat down, and hugged both my brothers and laughed at the awful French comedies.

“So I’ve kinda been invited to this gig tonight, you guys coming?” I asked, I didn’t want them to come at all but I felt rude.

“Who by… You haven’t met someone already have you? Jesus Christ mum gave you her looks,” Dillon looked at me sarcastically and smiled, “Go out Shaz, just be safe yeah.”

“Well, he’s called Marc and I think he plays Indie music? I’m not exactly sure, he’s amazing though.” I replied, as awful as I smiled I felt it, I felt us 3 being close, they both laughed and shouted “Hey, make sure he doesn’t use a baguette joke, we’ve heard them all.”

They were so in sync it made me laugh, I just looked at them and winked and then went upstairs.

The stone thing was right, they seem fine, everything was okay and everything is going to be fine.

I looked at my wrists, the cuts were fading, I felt a weight drop from my shoulders and I took off my tights and top and headed for the shower.

The water felt like tiny needles pressing on my skin, each drop ran down my body and dripped into the shiny stainless steel drain, everything was going slowly, I was in this world where everything seemed to be okay.

I could hear my brothers laugh at the terrible French TV shows, it was a real obscure moment, I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling but I felt almost invincible.

I got out of the shower and began to get ready. I wore a grey baggy jumper over my leggings, my hair was tied up at the back, it had looked better, but its only night time and its bound to be windy around here, I can get away with it for a night. Besides, I won’t be long.

As I put my socks on, I looked in the mirror and paused, I felt confident, I felt happy.

But I shouldn’t feel happy, why am I masking it? Why am I forgetting everything that has just happened to me? Am I okay? It’s been too much recently, I haven’t had time to sit down and think for myself and I had only 30 minutes before I had to leave, I decided to just go and see Marc and maybe spending time with him would help me.

I clambered down the stairs and hugged both my brothers, who were talking about jobs and other boring stuff; I opened the door and made my way into the town centre.

The air at night was just as fresh, the river running nearby was so silent I forgot it was there, I saw the lights of the town in the near distance, I also heard a few guitars and various cheers. I looked down at my watch, completely forgetting it was pitch black I couldn’t see the hands. I picked my phone up, it was 8:17 and I had 3 minutes to get there.

As I approached there was a huge crowd of people, I managed to squeeze through the front and saw Marc and he instantly noticed me and smiled.

Whilst they were playing I felt special, I had no idea if he was even going to speak to me, he couldn’t take his eyes off me and during the final song, his voice said “This one’s for a very special girl I met today, she’s there, in front of the guy in the red top.” I blushed and smiled like a 10 year old.

“So, we’re going to a party afterwards, but I wanna know more about you, come for a walk?” Marc came up to me instantly after he had finished, the sweat on his forehead made him look a little less attractive, but he was still beautiful, I agreed to go on a walk with him, it was amazing he was leaving his friends for me.

“So, you know the café we were in earlier? That’s my family café, that band you heard? Yeah that’s my band, we’re quite popular. Less of me, why are you here? I know we’ve just met and all, but I’m sensing something real with you.”

At first I was thinking to myself who the fuck does this guy think he is, but he changed from being a dickhead to being really nice quite instantly.

“I don’t want to scare you, we’ve literally ju...” Marc interrupted me.

“I don’t care about you scaring me; I think I’ve got you figured out.”