The Mysterious Girl in Black 2

The Mysterious Girl in Black 2

She pounded down the stairs, breathing hard. She wanted to get out of this big stuffy inn that was filled with snobby women wearing rich fur coats and jewelry all over them. She wanted to get far far away from the men wearing professional suits carrying bulky brief cases. She used a quick short cut and soon found herself close to an exit. She wanted to be out side, where the fresh air was. Where she could breath properly.

She pushed the door open and slid down to her knees. She thought she had finally found someone who understood her. But she hadn't. She thought she had found someone who knew the pain and grief she was in. Someone who wouldn't laugh or tease her. Someone who wouldn't say mean things. But she hadn't. And she thought that she had finally found some one who was rich, but not mean or snobby.

But she hadn't.

Before she could stop herself, tears were trickling down her cheeks. All the past four years of sadness poured out of her. And she sat there, feeling the wind brush her hair away as the red sun sank beneath the horizon.

The sun was long gone and the only light left were the ones that were seeping out of the inn windows. Melissa stood up, shaking. She shook her head and tried to get herself back in one piece. Pushing the door open, she pulled the hood back up. Hoping that she would run into no one, she ran up the stairs.

"Melissa? Is that you?" it was her mom's voice. Melissa froze on the stairs that would lead to her room – her sanctuary. "Honey, what's wrong?" Her mom came over and pulled her hood down.

Her mom's face fell when she saw Melissa's red eyes. Melissa refused to look in her mom's eyes. "Oh no. You went there didn't you?" her mom asked. "Oh, Melissa."

I go there all the time, she thought bitterly. It's just that you don't know.

"I thought we said not to go there!" her mom said. "Why did you go there?"

"It's not cause I went there, okay Mom?" she said. Her mom sighed.

"Then why?"

"I've got my reasons." she brushed past her mom then ran up the stairs and into her room. Her mom stood there, a worried look on her face.

"What is it, Coraline?" her dad appeared. Her mom turned and told Melissa's dad what she had seen.

"I see. I guess she went there, huh?" her dad said but her mom shook her head.

"She said she'd been crying for a different reason. But I don't understand why."

"Well, I don't either. Anyway, we've got a problem." They went off back to work to take care of customers. But they soon forgot about Melissa. It wasn't because her parents didn't care about her. In fact, they loved her deeply. They were just often too caught up in work to think about Melissa.

Melissa closed her bedroom door behind her and collapsed on the bed. She stared at the ceiling for a while until she had recovered. She took a quick bath, pulled on a black night gown then slipped under the blankets. Soon, she was drifting off to sleep...

"Melissa, honey? Are you up yet?" her mom asked. Melissa sat up wearily and rubbed her eyes. Her mom sighed. "Sorry, I forgot to wake you up. Well, you better get up or you'll be late."

Melissa got up and opened her closet. Her school uniform hung there, it's colors bright. Melissa frowned, and pulled on her usual clothes: black dress, socks, shoes, and a cloak. She shoved her books in her back pack and then raced out the door. The kitchen was bustling by the time she had made her way there.

"Quick! Toast with butter! You! Make it quick, too or I'll be late for school." Melissa ordered, pointing to a random chef who automatically started to get her toast with butter on it.

"You got school, eh little girl?" asked the plump chef. "Not surprised." She glared at him muttered a quick "thanks" as she took the toast then dashed off. Munching at an incredible speed, she gulped down the toast. She turned the corner.

The next thing she knew, she was lying on the ground. Her books were strewn across the floor. Melissa moaned. "Watch where your going!" she snapped, looking up to see who she had ran head first into. Takashi scrambled up to his feet.

"Sorry." he mumbled as he snatched her books off the ground. He pulled her up from the ground, grabbed her backpack and chucked all her books in it. Zipping it up, Takashi handed it back to Melissa.

"Thanks." she said curtly, turning and heading towards the doors.

"Are you going to school?" he asked, following closely behind her.

"What, do you have a problem with that?"

"No. I guess your school doesn't have an uniform." he glanced at what she was wearing.

"Oh, we do. It's just that I don't want to wear it and I'm not going to. So don't expect me to prance around in blue and white."

"Won't you get in trouble then?"

"And why do you care? People like you only care about their selves, their money, and their clothes. Why would you worry about me getting in trouble? Why would you care?" But before Takashi had time to answer her question, someone shouted his name.

"Mr. Takashi McDean! It's a pleasure to meet you!" a voice said. Takashi turned around and was greeted by a chubby man. His brown hair was turning gray at a few spots. He wore a bow tie and a suit, with a gleaming brief case beside him. He set his brief case down and grabbed Takashi's hand, shaking it.

"Uh... And who are you, sir?" Takashi asked politely.

"I'm Jorge Lennington! I'm from the West area." Jorge Lennington replied, still shaking Takashi's hand.

"I see, Mr. Lennington. I'm accompanying a friend of mine--" Melissa scoffed. "-- and so I have to get going."

"Ah, and who's this lucky friend of yours?" Mr. Lennington asked brightly.

"Melissa. She's Mr. Parker's daughter."

"Oh, she's lucky alright." Mr. Lennington nodded, finally dropping Takashi's hand. Was that a jealous gleam in his eyes? Takashi blinked, no he must have imagined it. He looked at Mr. Lennington. Mr. Lennington's eyes were its normal creamy brown color. "You know what? Why don't you go to dinner with my family and me? My daughter is about your age. I don't know if you've met her yet. But I'm sure you'll both get along fine."

Melissa turned on her heels and marched toward the double doors. Takashi was starting to get impatient with Mr. Lennington. "You see, Mr. Lennington, I-" Takashi began.

"I'm glad you can come! Meet me here at six in the evening, alright? You're just like your father." Mr. Lennington slapped Takashi's back, grinning.

"But Mr. Lennington-"

"You're the splitting image of your father! Your personality is just as warm and kind!" Mr. Lennington ignored what Takashi was trying to say. The former stood there, beaming. "Oh, your friend is walking away. You better go and catch up with her. See you at six, Mr. Takashi!" Mr. Lennington gave Takashi an encouraging push. Takashi was about to tell Mr. Lennington that he wouldn't be able to go eat dinner with him until he saw Melissa reaching the doors.

"Bye, Mr. Lennington!" Takashi shouted behind his shoulder hastily as he made a mad dash for the doors. "Melissa! Wait up!"

She went out side, dragging her back pack behind her. "Don't you have an important meeting with Mr. Lennington, Mr. I'm-So-Important?" she snapped, glaring at him.

"I don't have any meetings until my father gets here!" Takashi defended. "My father wanted me to get some time to explore East area."

"Do you think I care?" her hood was up and she refused to look at him. Takashi shrugged.

"I'm only staying for a month."

"Well, that's a shame."

"I know. The East area is such a beautiful place. Maybe I can talk my father into letting me stay longer."

"Actually, I was saying that it's a shame you're staying here so long." she picked up her pace, leaving a stunned Takashi rooted to the ground. He recovered and followed her, hoping he wouldn't get lost.

The school was a flat, white building. It had huge iron gates that surrounded the perimeter of the school. The lawn was covered with the usual fall leaves. Melissa brushed past the gates with Takashi panting behind her. There were crowds of girls here and there. Spotting Melissa, the girls' circles tightened and there were furtive whispers. Beady eyes bore into the back of Melissa's head, but she shrugged them off.

"Do you think I'm going to try and bull doze in between your petty little circles?" Melissa snapped, glaring at everyone in turn.

"Oh. My. Gosh. It's Takashi!" a loud squeal came from the biggest crowds. Before Takashi could even say "bye," he was tackled to the ground. Millions of girls were trying to hug him or shake his hands. Melissa stood lonely, lingering for a few minutes.

"Didn't I tell you not to come with me?" she asked, before whipping around and entering the school.

The bell rang and slowly the girls peeled their selves off of him – though they did so reluctantly. They said good-byes, hugged or kissed him again before dancing off joyfully. By the time they had all left for their classes, Takashi's face was smeared with lip stick. He wiped it off with his sleeve, too dumbfounded to move.

Finally, he left the school, irritated. Why hadn't he expected to be mobbed by girls? Had he expected to be able to see Melissa's school peacefully?

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Ranger Hawk
Review

Hey, here for chapter two!

All right, so this was a fairly short piece, and yet you still manage to convey more personality from the characters, which is great.

My main issue is the imagery. I don't really have a good idea of the setting; how busy are the streets they're walking? Did Melissa just kneel down outside the inn, where anyone could pass her, instead of a more private place? How far away is the school? A little more detail would be nice, but not too much! It's such a balance, giving enough for the reader to have a clear picture without loading the story down with excess info.

"Oh no. You went there didn't you?" her mom asked. "Oh, Melissa."
I go there all the time, she thought bitterly. It's just that you don't know.
"I thought we said not to go there!" her mom said. "Why did you go there?"
"It's not cause I went there, okay Mom?" she said. Her mom sighed.


I know you're trying to avoid saying where "there" is specifically, but you also repeat this word a lot, to the point of it being ridiculous. People in real life wouldn't be quite so vague over something like a place. Even if you can give just a general word, like "the house" or "the cliff" or whatever else, to give it some variance, that would be better.

"Mr. Takashi McDean!


Okay, now I'm having a hard time picturing Takashi. From his first name, I'm assuming he's Asian. But his last name sounds very American. Unless he's been adopted or something else that you're going to reveal later on in the story, I'd suggest making the name sound a little more unified.

Mr. Lennington nodded, finally dropping Takashi's hand. Was that a jealous gleam in his eyes? Takashi blinked, no he must have imagined it.


Do you notice how you went from everything being in Melissa's POV (point of view) to Takashi's suddenly? It's pretty abrupt, and just something keep an eye on. I know how hard it can be to keep track and notice when you're head-hopping from one character's POV to another, but it can really break up the flow of the story and so I thought I'd mention it and just say to keep an eye on it.

Okay, that's it! Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:



It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James