Time is ticking away; I watch as you pull out and drive away
I’ve begged for you not to leave, but you did anyway.
Please don’t go! I need you so much!
Please come back to me
My sweet baby, I need your love.
So you’ve come back to me today
To say “You’re sorry”
Baby I want you to lay
In the lie you’re telling.
I hope you’re proud
As you sit there and pout
About the love you’ve lied to me about
And now that you’re back here, let me tell you
That I am happier here with out you.
That’s ok, run away
Who needs you anyway?
All I did was open up my heart
And tell you what I thought
Sometimes I think it coulda been different
If I hadn’t had said the things I did
But now that you’re gone
I know that it’s true
Sweet baby I really did love you.
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Last time I checked, "coulda" wasn't a word. Try "could of". Also, "To say “You’re sorry”" doesn't need the quotes around "You're sorry" and, therefore, doesn't need the capital in "you're". If you said, "To say, "I'm sorry"", it would need the quotes. Not in this case, though. (People don't come and say, "Hey, Tom. You're sorry."
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Time is ticking away; I watch as you pull out and drive away
I’ve begged for you not to leave, but you did anyway.
Please don’t go! I need you so much!
To me, this would sound better as such:
Time is ticking away;
I watch as you pull out and drive away
I’ve begged for you not to leave,
But you did anyway.
Please don’t go!
I need you so much!
That is probably a matter of opinion, however.
"Without" should be one word (not "with out"). You need a comma after "Baby" and "Sweet baby".
The basic idea of this poem seems to be overused, but this had a little bit of an original twist. I'm undecided at the moment as to whether I like it or not. Tell your brother to keep writing; I think he definitely has the makings of a very good writer.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-
Please don’t go! I need you so much!
Please come back to me
My sweet baby, I need your love.
Could probably be:
Please don't go! Please come back to me!
My sweet baby, I need your love.
I recall writing a similar poem two or three years back like this... it had two endings... but yeah.
Tell your friend this was good. Although it was a bit... "jerky"
that is one wicked poem
By the way, i didnt write this. Its my bothers poem, he wants feedback