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16+ Violence

Five Families

by apples123

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

"What am I'm going to do Luis"said Tony's "Two of my men are trying to locate him as we speak"said Luis; with his high confidence. "What am I'm going to do, he might not think I'm trying, but". "Don't think like that I've been with you since we was just a family"As he was pouring a glass of scotch for the both of them."What would you do luis"Tony with a crack in his voice"Let me tell you some thing you told me when I got jumped by them low life's snakes,remember you said You see these five fingers each one represent our family,one:honor,two:respect,three:intelligent,four:honestly,five:limitless"now stop me if I'm lying but that's what a family member really means"Luis with a soft strong voice"After all them years you still remember" "Maybe it's time to tell Adam be for it's to late".

Mean while at disclosed location with Joe ."you'll never get away with this" Adam with hate in his words "want to put some money on that" "decaf come down it's not that serious" "my name is not decaf it's decapeo the great" "now you just lying" "shut up!" "Just for that when I get out of this,I'm going to shoot you in the balls" "I'm going to injoy killing you" "you're not going to have the balls to do it cause I'm going to pot the jingle bells you greas slut".

After a long day searching Luis found were some saints were so he brong the five families to an abanded warehouse although some of the saints were there but no sign of Adam or Joe. When a half of an hour of shooting,the saints was now there is one day left to save Adam.Few hours of searching, Luis and his fleet found Joe and his hinchmen were keeping Adam.Tony snook in the back entrance suprising Joe with a left and a right and another right.Tony picks up a small pluming pipe and hits him. Tony unties his son,while one of Joe's hinchmen was bout to shank Tony until Adam took his father's gun out his holster and shoots and kills the men.Joe slowly gets up,picks up the the pipe he was striked with and tryed to hit adam. Tony back kicked him in the stomach. Joe falls, Adam still holding the gun and shoots decapeo in the testicals twice.Tony and Adam walks away with only nicks and bruise including Tony's right hand man luis. still have a kingdom to run. THE FIVE FAMILIES.

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802 Reviews

Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Sat Dec 19, 2015 12:36 am
Dracula wrote a review...

Hello, Apples, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! Happy Christmas too. :D Anyway, straight to the review...

"What am I'm going to do Luis"said Tony's "Two of my men are trying to locate him as we speak"said Luis; with his high confidence. "What am I'm going to do, he might not think I'm trying, but". "Don't think like that I've been with you since we was just a family"
Before I talk about anything else, I need to mention the punctuation. The way it's set out makes the story rather difficult to read, so I suggest that you have a go at editing it. Here's some helpful hints:
You can change this later to suit the style of writing, but for now, whenever a new person speaks, start on a new line. For example: "What am I'm going to do Luis" said Tony. NEW LINE "Two of my men are trying to locate him as we speak" said Luis; with his high confidence. When a new person speaks, I have started a new line. This makes it easier to follow. Also, be careful with your use of spaces. 'Luis"said' <--- Here, you haven't go any spaces and it's all clumped together. There are some other grammar mistakes, but fix these things first and then it will be easier to read and fix errors.

Now onto the plot, I get the idea that there's a family feud happening. There must be lots of secrets and the tension caused by this has resulted in bloody murder. It was good that you separated the middle scene from the others, making it clear that it was a different scene. I also appreciated the bit of humour in your writing.

Basically, have a go with the spacing and punctuation, and then I think you'll be well on your way to having a story which you could definitely continue on. Are you going to continue it and write more chapters, maybe expand on it? I think it would be cool if you did. :D

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298 Reviews

Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

Fri Dec 18, 2015 7:13 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...

Greetings, apples123! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

First of all, I would like to mention that you REALLY REALLY RRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY need to use paragraphing, punctuation, spacing, and capitalization with your dialogue. I have notice pretty none of it in your story. Not just with dialogue either. I found it super hard to read because of this. You really need to review your work before you post it so there aren't too many mistakes. Here is a handy correcting site for that kind of thing: (Be careful: it is sometimes wrong, so don't ALWAYS do what it says. It also offers suggestions concerning homonyms and stuff like that.)
I also found myself confused in some parts:
'What am I'm going to do Luis"said Tony's '
Why is Tony possessive of something?

'Tony with a crack in his voice'
This doesn't make much sense. Sorry.

'Mean while at disclosed location with Joe '
'Mean while' is one word. (Meanwhile)

I'm sorry, but because there are errors, I don't understand what is going on. Trust me, I really do want to understand. I just can't. So many errors. I hate to sound harsh and all. Sorry again.
Anyway, I hope I wasn't sounding too harsh.

(Holographic Ladybug fades away)

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Points: 240
Reviews: 0

Thu Dec 17, 2015 5:02 pm
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razycervantes1 says...

bravo bravo ><

Random avatar
apples123 says...

all day every day

thats right

Doing that kind of work, you really get to know if you like animals. If you can somehow enjoy cleaning out their cages, then you know you genuinely love animals.
— Jack Hanna