Young Writers Society

Hello, Apples, and welcome to the Young Writers Society! Happy Christmas too. Anyway, straight to the review...

"What am I'm going to do Luis"said Tony's "Two of my men are trying to locate him as we speak"said Luis; with his high confidence. "What am I'm going to do, he might not think I'm trying, but". "Don't think like that I've been with you since we was just a family"
Before I talk about anything else, I need to mention the punctuation. The way it's set out makes the story rather difficult to read, so I suggest that you have a go at editing it. Here's some helpful hints:
You can change this later to suit the style of writing, but for now, whenever a new person speaks, start on a new line. For example: "What am I'm going to do Luis" said Tony. NEW LINE "Two of my men are trying to locate him as we speak" said Luis; with his high confidence. When a new person speaks, I have started a new line. This makes it easier to follow. Also, be careful with your use of spaces. 'Luis"said' <--- Here, you haven't go any spaces and it's all clumped together. There are some other grammar mistakes, but fix these things first and then it will be easier to read and fix errors.

Now onto the plot, I get the idea that there's a family feud happening. There must be lots of secrets and the tension caused by this has resulted in bloody murder. It was good that you separated the middle scene from the others, making it clear that it was a different scene. I also appreciated the bit of humour in your writing.

Basically, have a go with the spacing and punctuation, and then I think you'll be well on your way to having a story which you could definitely continue on. Are you going to continue it and write more chapters, maybe expand on it? I think it would be cool if you did.

Greetings, apples123! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

First of all, I would like to mention that you REALLY REALLY RRRREEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY need to use paragraphing, punctuation, spacing, and capitalization with your dialogue. I have notice pretty none of it in your story. Not just with dialogue either. I found it super hard to read because of this. You really need to review your work before you post it so there aren't too many mistakes. Here is a handy correcting site for that kind of thing: http://spellcheckplus.com/ (Be careful: it is sometimes wrong, so don't ALWAYS do what it says. It also offers suggestions concerning homonyms and stuff like that.)
I also found myself confused in some parts:
'What am I'm going to do Luis"said Tony's '
Why is Tony possessive of something?

'Tony with a crack in his voice'
This doesn't make much sense. Sorry.

'Mean while at disclosed location with Joe '
'Mean while' is one word. (Meanwhile)

I'm sorry, but because there are errors, I don't understand what is going on. Trust me, I really do want to understand. I just can't. So many errors. I hate to sound harsh and all. Sorry again.
Anyway, I hope I wasn't sounding too harsh.

(Holographic Ladybug fades away)

bravo bravo ><