I travel beyond the veil to my favorite world,
Where flowers bloom and the mornings stay cold,
The grass is green, the skies are bright,
A peaceful place, a pure delight.
I look at myself in the mirror,
I'm pleased for once.
I wander off to the kitchen,
grab a cookie, soft and round,
take a bite, taste the calm,
in silence, no one’s around.
I pet my platypus, gentle and still,
a little odd, but fits the thrill.
I then cruise down to the seaside
in my Range Rover,
I pull up to my beach house door,
Where waves kiss gently on the shore.
No pressure, no rush, just a quiet charm.
There he stands with open arms,
Something I longed for,
It feels like peace, not just a trend.
For once,
I feel loved.
I glance again, there they are,
the genuine friends I yearn for.
A smile.
A deep smile,
something I haven't done
in so so long.
A pretty, colorful world
where taxes and calculus don’t exist,
just rainbows,
beaches,
beautiful days,
and the people I love -
Not ones I wish for, ones I genuinely knew.
Then I hear a voice crawl into my ear,
Twisted and sharp, it whispers, “Wake up, dear.”
I open my eyes
and teleport back
to this colorless world I dread,
I get up unwillingly,
praying night falls quickly once again,
so I can go back,
back to the place
where my heart longs to be,
a world of color,
where I’m finally free.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow! When I read poetry, I love to really feel the emotion of the writer. I enjoyed your use of color to symbolize the excitement, peace, and joy of your dream world versus the dullness of our world. It will definitely hit the spot for many people, specifically younger adults, and allow us to feel understood. Well done. I enjoyed the use of rhymes, although it could be more consistent. For this piece it makes more sense to be free with the rhyme scheme. However, I do have one thought to consider: instead of having the entire piece have no solid scheme, the ending where you're "awake" could have a very structured rhyme, to represent the dull din of life?
Omg thank you so much for this!! That actually means a lot because I always wonder if people can feel what I%u2019m feeling when I write. I love what you said about adding a structured rhyme at the end that%u2019s actually a really good idea and not something I considered before but definately incorporate it in my writings! It would make the ending so much better and hit harder! Thank you so much for reading this poem and giving back such thoughtful feedback xoxo!!
Wait sorry there%u2019s a few typos in this%uD83D%uDE2D
hi @apersonnn Great work!! But you didn't have to twist the knife at the end.
Jk jk ^^ It's beautiful...
I think it depicts as if entering the world? It's a creative- it hooks in the reader.
It feels like the narrator is saying even though they love someone/some people, they don't seem to geniunely "know" them. It's true, retable, and comforting to hear in a wierd way. I love it.
Tbh, I've only got compliments. I don't really have something to point out to you to improve. In my view, it is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your work. I would love to see more of your work in the future.
There were typos in the review >///<
I hope it's not too confusing
Ahh thank you so much your comment seriously made my day. I love how you picked up on the little lines and meanings and it%u2019s so cool to see how someone else reads it. And don%u2019t even worry about the typos, I understood everything perfectly (I do that all the time lol). It means a lot that you found it relatable, especially the part about loving people but not really knowing them. Thank you for taking the time to write all that, it honestly keeps me motivated to keep writing xoxo!!