Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Prologue
June 14th, 1999- 14 years ago
I touch the silk of the pink dress mommy and I bought three weeks ago for my birthday today. We are having everyone in the family over to celebrate me. Jessie had said the whole world should celebrate me, but I think he was being silly. But when I giggled he smiled, and he doesn’t smile as often anymore. I knew why, even if he won’t tell me. He likes to think I don’t hear mommy and daddy fighting sometimes, but I do hear them.
Running my hands over the skirt one more time I skip downstairs to get ready to say hello to everyone. However, when I reach the door I don’t see people coming, but rather the back of my mother, suitcases in her hands, walking out the door. I hear my father calling out her name, begging her to stay. My brother turns to me as I stand frozen in place, tears on the brim of his eyes. He comes over to wrap me up in his arms attempting to shield me from the scene in front of me. Closing my eyes I say my silent goodbye to our mom and stand still as I feel a little piece of me leaves with her.
May 23rd, 2003- 10 years ago
Getting out of the limo at my house I try and catch my breath from laughing so hard. Alex had just spilt half a bottle of champagne on her date, George-something. In an attempt to clean it up she tore the jacket of the tux and George pushed her away in frustration. That is what she gets though for inviting one of the baristas at the coffee shop to our prom. It really made my night seeing as I didn’t have an official date. Not for a lack of wanting one, but because no one asked me. I have a sneaking suspicion my brother, Jessie, has something to do with it, but he would just deny it if I asked. I’m actually glad he is at the hotel that prom was held at with his latest bimbo. Even though he won’t admit it I know he is just trying to fuck our mother out of his system since he started high school. Since he isn’t that bad a looker, according to most of my friends, I would say he has just about screwed every girl at our school who was willing.
Walking through the front door of the house I smell the eerie stench of blood and a faint taste of metal. Dropping everything I run to my father’s room. With every step the stench gets stronger and my heart speeds up. Opening the door to his room I am greeted with my father's figure, face down, bleeding from his chest, the only picture we have of our mother in his hand. A note lies on his bed but I don’t dare go over to open it. Instead I sit on the floor in the doorway, praying that this is all just a dream and I didn’t just loose another piece of myself.
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129,146 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Wow, I'd love to see this continued! First off, you start off the story strong with a vivid image/memory of the character's past. I especially love how you create a dramatic scene during a supposed special occasion. However, one thing that confuses me is the age of your character. How old is she supposed to be in the first and second paragraphs? Also, in the next paragraph, I believe the character's world is spun out of control a little too quickly and I feel like it needs a little more detail. What was the character's immediate reaction to the body? What emotions is your character feeling during that moment? I also feel like a little more can be explained (father having strange behavior, etc.) before we find out about his death. These are minor things, and I really love where you're going with this story. It has the right amount of mysteriousness to it to keep readers intrigued, and the plot-line is really fascinating.
I was worried about putting in too much detail but if you think i should add more to explain things I definately will. Thank you for your imput.
KEEEEP GOING!!!
I like the idea you're getting to :3 it's really great.
One thing though is that 'mommy' should be 'Mommy' seeing as she's always calling her that. My mother is fine though because she has my in front of it. same with my brother and ect...
Another thing eerie is a weird word for describing stench. It should be either stench or eerie. And if that doesn't help say nauseating or something along those lines.
One last thing is I don't dare go over to open it sounds rather old fashion I don't know if you mean it like that but I was just wondering if you did.
This is really good and I hope you keep adding to it. It'd be really cool if you said the ages she is.
ANyway thanks and sorry for the review
good job :3
Thanks. I have been playing with how to describe the age. I want it yo be times less so the whole date thing might change. Thank you for all the other critiques I will definitely put them into consideration.