The Top Shelf

by antoinette
  • June 28, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You scream you scream, 'God help me!'
I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You cry you cry, 'Do something please oh please!'
I am riveted I am fascinated I am intrigued
What are you doing to me I've never ever felt like this before!
Why can't I stop why don't I care?
I need this I want this what are you doing to me?
My eyes fly open
It was just a dream
I turn to you and you are fast asleep
But I cannot help but wonder oh God
I could do this I could do that
I could kill kill kill
And I pad into the kitchen
I won't be long darling I promise, promise so!
Because you very well do know
My mummy keeps her very sharpest knives dear
On the top shelf.
__
I read Truman Capote while writing this mess of a poem. Feedback appreciated.

Comments & reviews · 4
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HarmonyGirl2012
Review
HarmonyGirl2012 wrote a review · Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:17 pm

I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You scream you scream, 'God help me!'
I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You cry you cry, 'Do something please oh please!'
I am riveted I am fascinated I am intrigued
What are you doing to me I've never ever felt like this before!
Why can't I stop why don't I care?
I need this I want this what are you doing to me?


This is great. I began to wonder what in the word was going on and became confused and worried

My eyes fly open
It was just a dream
I turn to you and you are fast asleep


I love how this is a dream! It totally changed the poem around and gave me a sigh of relief. You mentioned the word "you", so I must ask... Is "you" supposed to be the read or is "you" another person in the story. Just looking at it from different perspectives


But I cannot help but wonder oh God
I could do this I could do that
I could kill kill kill
And I pad into the kitchen
I won't be long darling I promise, promise so!
Because you very well do know
My mummy keeps her very sharpest knives dear
On the top shelf.


This is an interesting ending, but it leaves the reader wondering and tense, so I like it. Very nice job. Keep on writing. :wink:

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retrodisco666
Comment
retrodisco666 commented · Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:48 pm

No problem. It's a good piece.

~Retro Disco666

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antoinette Comment
antoinette commented · Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:32 pm

Mummy is there because it's the British way of saying Mom, or Mommy.

Other than that, thanks for the review!

User avatar
retrodisco666
Review
retrodisco666 wrote a review · Mon Jun 28, 2010 7:19 pm

Hello there!

I shall review your poem

antoinette wrote:I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You scream you scream, 'God help me!'
I am riveted by the thin lines of blood that trails down your arms
You cry you cry, 'Do something please oh please!'After this i would start a new stanza. Also i would take out the third line completely and replace it with something more meanicing. and only put you cry and you scream once
I am riveted #FF40BF ">,I am fascinated#FF40BF ">, I am intrigued#FF40BF ">.
What are you doing to me I've never ever felt like this before!
Why can't I stop why don't I care?
I need this I want this what are you doing to me? End stanza
My eyes fly open
It was just a dream
I turn to you and you are fast asleep
But I cannot help but wonder oh God
I could do this#FF0000 ">. and then start a new sentence I could do that
I could kill kill killThe repetition works very well here. Start a new stanza after this
And I pad into the kitchen Get rid of the and. It's not needed and slows the pace
I won't be long darling I promise, #FF0000 ">promise so!Don't know why this is there?
#FF0000 ">Because you very well do know
My mummy keeps her very sharpest knives dear
On the top shelf. I like this part, but i can't understand why you put mummy
__
I read Truman Capote while writing this mess of a poem. Feedback appreciated.



This is my favourite type of poetry is messed up, a touch psycological, and a touch horror. This is what i like to write like. This piece could have potential, it just needs work.

PM if you want me to explain anything.

~Retro Disco666



I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert