Published August 14, 2006
"Terra firma"
you whispered, as our sailboat came to earth
sails flapping wildly as the hull scraped the beach,
and my skirt was drenched with salty spray.
But the sand bucked, wildly,
and you couldn't make it stop.
Our bodies pleasantly unsure which way was up.
So, laughing till our stomachs ached, we clung
to each other and gave in,
sank to our knees.
The sand, like flesh,
the salt in our lashes and sun in our eyes,
seawater running down our backs.
And we lay there in the bleaching sun
too heavy with gratitude to move.
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Thanks for all the comments everyone. It means a lot. Especially people who explained about the semicolon
.
electricbluemonkey, if people have been at sea for long periods of time sometimes they feel as if the ground is moving under them because their bodies are adapted to the motion of the sea. That's what I mean by 'the sand bucked wildly' etc.
Thanks again.
I love this poem!!! I disagree with the people who thought it didn't make sense. It is obviously about two people grounding a boat. Throughout the entire poem it seemed really clear to me what was going on. I love the last line "And we lay there in the bleaching sun / too heavy with gratitude to move" I also love "Our bodies pleasently unsure which way was up" Please DO NOT take that out of the poem. It is an amazing line. I think the whole poem has a leaning, timeless quality (like one of those moments that stretches into eternity) that sort of crescendos in that line. I imagine the events of this poem happening in only a few minutes but that for the speaker of the poem the minute or so in which this takes place deliciously elongates.
If you do make any changes this is the type of thing i think you should concentrate on these type of changes:
The line "Our bodies pleasently unsure which way was up" does not need the word pleasently in order to be powerful.
you may not need the word "wildly" in the line "the sand bucked wildly."
While i disagree that the line "my skirt was drenched with salty spray" derails the flow of the poem (It does interrupt the flow of action in the poem but that is ok because the poem seems to be one of those elongated moments in which the speaker senses are probably wide open to those sort of details.) it does seem like it could use a little work. Maybe another sort of detail, maybe more sensory rather than descriptive. I want to emphasize though that I do NOT think this line should just be removed. I can't really describe exactly what it adds to the poem but i think the poem needs something like that.
Also i love the stanza:
The sand, like flesh,
the salt in our lashes and sun in our eyes,
seawater running down our backs.
As i have already said I love this poem. Maybe the reason you have recieved this sort of criticism is because you put this poem in dramatic poetry which is susposed to tell a story or something. (I don't really know but maybe the action is alot more explicit (as opposed to implied as it is in your poem) in dramatic poems.) Anyway i think it is more of a lyric poem.
Good beginning, really grabbed me.
The semi-colon really makes no sense there. This stanza could be slimmed down a little; "And my skirt was drenched with salty spray" should be taken out of the poem, since it derails the flow.
This also makes very little sense. I'm assuming that as the boat crashed into the beach, sand bucked into the boat, but why couldnt 'you' make it stop? I'm also assuming that you would both be standing up, anxious to get off the boat, so why wouldn't you know which way was up if you could feel the ground at your feet.
Now, the last sentence here assures me that you were standing up. When someone sinks to their knees, they are probably standing up, right?
This was okay, though, I guess. It fits well in dramatic poetry.
Nice poem. They already covered what I wanted to say! ;D
I think the ending could be better, but I did thoroughally enjoy it.
..some suggestions.
Hi antigone,
First, if you can tell by my quick critique that I'm missing another level in this, please excuse me. It's happened before.
I like this poem. I see no major issues with it. The title is good. I like your use of italics in the first line. Most of the line breaks are great.
I would replace the semicolon for a comma, personally, or take out "And". The way it is now, the second clause does not make an independent clause. I would suggest, of the two choices, that you trade the semicolon for a comma.
The only other suggestion I could make is that you could possibly add another line break here:
You could move "which way was up" to a new line, adding impact.
I enjoyed reading this poem.
- David -