Published May 9, 2005
A moth fluttered in, confused by the yellow unforgiving incandescent light.
It was seeking the moon.
The girl cupped him in sweaty hands and met him,
Eye-to-eye.
“Good Evening, Monsieur Moth.”
Dusty wings rubbed gently in reply.
Such furry knees he had!
Such beady eyes!
His delicate antennae were quivering in fright.
She kissed him softly and released him to the night.
The moth fluttered out, but sought no more the moon. For he had
Fallen in love with the girl.
Now it was her gracefully bowed head that drew him,
Like a flame.
His antennae trembled not with fear,
But with a soaring joy he could not name.
What gentle hands she’d had!
What sweet soft breath!
The moth remembered warm red ruby lips
And in a kind of ecstasy relived her kiss.
He thrust his battered body time and time again against the cold unyielding windowpane.
The girl did not look up.
She was lost within in her book and could not spare him
Even a glance.
Outside her dear devoted moth
Gave a frantic loving panicked fervent dance.
Oh how he fought the pane
That barred him from his love!
The world was washed in moonlight as he thumped against the glass.
He grew weaker as the night wore on and finally fell to rest on cool dew-covered grass. [pre][/pre]
(I'm having a whole lot of trouble with the title. Any ideas?)
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Very lovely. I am not really commenting, I'm just appreciating. Sorry for my selfishness.
CAPTUREING!! Nice imagery. I will never look at a moth trying to get in the window again. Seriously.
Cool, I like the title. How it is, no matter how corny that sounds. It sounds random and somewhat original. That's now going to make my brain think of moths and there lifes for the next few hours. There was spures of great imagery and rhyme too. Yay.
Thanks for posting, keep on writting in the free world.
Hey big sista!!!!
=D> \:D/ :whistle:
This is really sweet... wonderful imagery.... i like how the ryhme is sort of subtle, it doesnt distract you from the story of the poem. i have a hard time with that. i dunno about the title, theres nothing wrong with it but it could be better. sorry, cant help you there.
Anywho, great job!!!! keep it up!! :thumb:
It painted a very vivid picture. Nicely done. I can't crit this much more than CL did so just listen to what she said and know that i agree with it. Very nice work.
hmm...titled maybe something along the lines of unrequited love. I dunno, I'm not the greatest with titles.
but I did do a proper crit, I think it was before you edited, so forgive me if repeat something you already changed.
LOVE the poem. Seriously. Its unique, its sweet, its lovely. I especially liked the way you worded everything so simply, and the unique rhyme scheme you used. Absolutely beautiful. Only one complaint: The last line is too long to be effective. Maybe you could shorten it a bit? As for the title, cant really help you there...'Light', maybe? I dunno.
Kudos on a great piece.
Thank's for the comments. I tried to change the title but as you see, it's not much better. Sigh... Thanks though!
This was interesting. Good in some ways, not so good in others.
First, the title. Really, "Unrequited Love" is just way to familiar to my ears. I think that you definitly need a new title.
I think the way everything was worded was a little plain. You just kind of told it like it was.
But the whole thing was over all pretty good. Well done.