[deleted]

This was reeeal good!
It gave a clear insight into the guy's mind and how he suffered as a kid
Was sorta shocked at the end where we see he's turned into a convict on death row... But that was awesome because I was not expecting it!
Keep the great work up!
xxx mi mi xxx

"Violence breeds more violence." I agree with that statement, rather than with your fate theory. But, whatever.

I liked this a lot. You wrote it very truthful and honest. I think that's what really does the trick for me; your writing style adds almost a kind of revelry to the tragedy. I think that if you would have gotten only a tad (melo)dramatic, you would have hit the complete wrong key.

But a hug might’ve helped.

;C Sorry I'm so late, love! Just, life, you know, stuff like that! ^_^ {Okay, so maybe it was really more like procrastination, but...} Hopefully I won't repeat much that the other reviewers have already said, but I'm not reading their posts to check. D: Because I don't want to be influenced, and all that jazz. xD

if it were still with that man, I would’ve wound up just the same. I guess you could say I believe in that thing called ‘fate’, but I just think it sounds the most reasonable. That man ended up with me for some reason, whether it was a divine joke or a crack head’s blessing. Can’t change that.

That grubby old thing got me through some rough times.

Whenever my old man would storm in my room come three o’clock in the morning – yelling at me for something we both know I didn’t do – I’d stuff that old rag in my mouth so Mama wouldn’t wake up from my screaming.

But boy did that man beat the ever loving crap outta me. I swear, my backside must’ve been bright red for the first nine years of my life.

Even as a young man I can’t look at a black leather belt without cringing.

Of course, he didn’t leave without giving my mother and me a goodbye present. Mama got a broken arm and I had a black eye as well as a chipped tooth.

Away from me.

In that damned car.

I hated that car. It just made my blood boil looking at it. Even thinking about it pisses me off—the rusted bright red paint coated in an inch of dirt, those raggedy gray tires that always seemed to be flat, that loose license plate that seemingly held on by a thread… and those seats.

I sit here now, thinking about these things. Thinking about my past. My life. What I’ve done, what I haven’t. Whether or not it was all worth it; the choices I made later, I mean.

Ah, man. Do I have some stories to tell about my teenage years—

My fate was probably sealed from the day I was born. That’s that. No matter how I grew up, or what decisions I made, I most likely would’ve ended up in the exact same way I am now.

But a hug might’ve helped.

*salutes* Here as requested, Poppy dearest !

You've asked for an overall, so I'll be sure to do that. The occasional nitpick might appear randomly... I find it hard to resist posting them, hehe ^^

Your opening sentence, and the subsequent paragraph, are strong and immediatly catch the reader's attention. After having read that, I was eager to continue. Worth a postive mention, for sure.

-'s:

^ You use a lot of that in this story, which isn't a bad thing, but you should make sure you don't overdo it in any paragraph. The first contains one, the second contains three, the fourth two, then suddenly there are no more until you have three of them in almost consequtive sentences. Don't overuse this, my dear. Play around with sentence types, and get rid of some of those lines. Which I do not know how to name because I'm failacular like that.

Random Nitpick:

(Can't resist. Warned you, didn't I? )

Instead, I got some drunk who barely lived in my house – If you could call it a house… but that’s not really important.

Hello. Here by request.

if it was still with that man

my throat was almost too swollen from crying.

—the rusted bright red paint coated in an inch thick of dirt,

I sit here now, thinking about these things. Thinking about my past. My life. What I’ve done, what I haven’t. Whether or not it was all worth it; the choices I made later, I mean.

I enjoyed this. I can't believe people consider this a long story. My god, its like two pages. I really connected with the character you created, he has a real voice that helps drag the reader into his own word.

I must say, there are some spots where descriptions and the dialogue itself seems a bit barren or dull, I think you could add more depth to the character with some specific descriptions of the world around him.

These are really just nitpicks though. I enjoyed the story very much, from the first lines about the father to the final twists. I must say I look forward to reading more from you.

Mike.

Hey, anti-pop!

Or, using June's nickname, Popster! Or, Aunty Pop!

There's a world of possibilities.

I'm PMing you and reviewing you at the same time, so this might be a little scattered. I'll try my hardest to concentrate, though!

I could’ve lived in Buckingham Palace; if it was still with that man, I would’ve wound up just the same.

it does have a somewhat sick and twisted humor to it: A skinny white boy in the dead of night, tears running down his flaming cheeks, gnawing on the corner of a blue and battered blanket just so he won’t make his daddy ashamed.

Even as a young man I can’t look at a black leather belt without cringing. Though, looking back on the whole episode

But boy did that man beat the ever loving crap outta me.

Popster! June here! (Finally) ahem, let's get to work on this!

Instead, I got some drunk who barely lived in my house. If you could call it a house…but that’s not really important.

I don’t know why, but he came home one day and just decided that he didn’t want to be there anymore. Of course, he didn’t leave without giving my mother and me a goodbye present. Mama had a broken arm and I had a black eye as well as a chipped tooth. Regardless of the pain, I still didn’t want him to go. I fought him back so hard; he thought I was "disrespecting him". He hit harder. He didn’t see I only wanted him to stay.

I hated that car. It just made my blood boil looking at it. Even thinking about it pisses me off—the rusted bright red paint coated in an inch thick of dirt, those raggedy gray tires that always seemed to be flat, that loose license plate that seemingly held on by a thread…and those seats.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably would’ve turned out just the same way even if my old man was normal.

It was a bit choppy, but then again it's a memory so it wouldn't too detailed. I liked it-- Mr O'Connor had a voice (a real voice) and that's vital. It was sad but then again, it could have been more affecting. There could have been a sort of poeticism to it.
The transition from past to present, I think, could have been smoother. Still, I like the idea of him getting disrupted from his thoughts.
All in all, a nice read. Thanks.


Lauren

Hi there anti-pop!
Nitpicks:

But boy, did that man beat the ever-loving crap out of me. I swear, my backside must’ve been bright red for the first nine years of my life.

In a drunken haze he slurred, “From one bastard kid to another—don’t think for a second you have a ‘family’, Boy.”

The car allowed my father to stay out as long as he wanted, leaving my mother and I home alone.

Thanks you all so much for the reviews!
I've taken a lot of your suggestions to heart while editing. Thanks again!
I've also removed the first curse...I didn't realize it had shown up on the front page! ><


~anti-pop

This was depressing, but really good. I liked how the story sort of flips at the end. It goes from the perspective of an innocent little kid, to a criminal on death row. I know the actual perspective never changes, but in the beginning you go "Ohh..." and feel sorry for the kid, and at the end you go "Oh!" and wonder what happened that made him some horrible criminal. A few little nit-picky things though:

I wasn’t really shocked. But it still hurt.

but I could never gather the courage –or stomach

'Kayy so nitpicks first!

anti-pop wrote:I could’ve lived in Buckingham Palace; if it was still with that man,

It was like a putrid wall that constantly surrounded him – as thick as iron and nearly as impenetrable.

But boy did that man beat the ever loving crap outta me. I swear.

My backside must’ve been bright red for the first whole nine years of my life.

But a hug might’ve helped.

Owe, I wanna hug him!

This is an amazing piece. Good points first.

Even though it's really long, your variety of punctuation, and sentence and paragragh lengths, did really well to stop it from dragging.

'Even as a young man I can’t look at a black leather belt without cringing.' I like this line. It's interesting because young men are supposed to be bold and strong, but your character is admitting a weakness.

Same here - 'I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably would’ve turned out just the same way even if my old man was normal.' He completely realises his faults, and admits to them. It makes it seem like he's the last person who should be sitting on death row.

I also really like how most of this is full of bad stuff, but the last line is about a hug. The theme completely conflicts with the rest of the piece, but that's what makes it so powerful.

The way the speach and movement interupts the narration is really good too, I've not seen that before.

Is it alright to have swearing like that on the front page? I think perhaps this could do with a higher rating.

I think it might help a little to establish who's talking at the very beginning as well. I kind of had to guess as I went along whether O'conner was a girl or boy, a rough age.

Overall; awesome. Keep it up.

Yay first review! I loved the way this was written and the twist at the end- there really isn't much that can be improved upon that I can see but I shall try!

I remember so well his drunken swagger that always carried with him the nauseating scent of vodka and cocaine.

Dread is starting to creep into my thoughts, and I can’t think straight while I’m fussing over death.