Published December 2, 2008
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
I believe that your essay was very personal and touching to mostly everyone, because we have all felt some sort of scared and loneliness. I think you did a good job however I think that if you can make it flow better it was make it less choppy. For example you ended one of your paragraphs with karate, then open right up into some boy. Maybe if you used more of a description to ease into your relationship with him so it seems more meaningful. Also in the opening paragraph I think you would greatly benefit if you are more decriptive of your emotion sate. If you bring the reader down that sad lonely path you were experiencing, to then bring them back up as you did, it will hold the readers attention better. Therefore making your point stick deeper. Additionally in the conclusion look for a more in depth universal meaning that can touch every kind of reader. In conclusion, great job and keep up the good work!