Published February 23, 2010
,Kayla sat up straight,puffing her chest out.I rolled my eyes hoping she would she it...she didn't(surprise,surprise).Gosh! I hated this time of the day!His tan is to die for !!
Cara nodded,biting into her hamburger,
Yeah, he's been like that sense the first grade.
Mackenzie Flarts did one of my infamous eye rolls,
Guys,could you pah-lease eat your lunch one day without looking at Jared Reynold?For cry-in' out-loud,he's just a boy!
We all sat in silence,than cracked up.Of Course they couldn't go one day without looking at Jared Reynold.He was, in fact the cutest thing at Harrens Middle.the guy was virtually perfect,(well,minus those gosh-awful freckles,and that ever-not-closing gap!)
Kayla turned to me,
How many times have i told you that you are SO lucky to live next to him?
Twice a day and three times on Wensdays.
They laughed at the sadly true comment.Though they all had a crush on Jared,Kayla's seemed to be the worst.She'd been in love with him since my first sleep over.
She looked back at him again.That time Austin, Jared's friend looked over.he took one of his french-fries and launched it at her.
,He yelled.Several of the guys,excluding Jared,looked over to Kayla and laughed.Kayla turned bright pink.Comp on that,metal-mouth
Mackenzie turned and glowered at Austin,[/quote]how about you grow-up,jerk?[/quote]
Several of the boys "ooh'd" at Mac's comment.Austin looked irritated,
How about you make me?
Mac laughed,
I don't make trash.
Austin countered.That joke is SO old,Flarts.
Mackenzie smiled triumphantly,
Not as old as your mom.
Austin opened his mouth to reply, then turned around.
Cara gave Mac her lop-sided grin,
so the oreo FINALLY found a dark side?
Mackenzie retorted.Blow me,cara.
Anytime,baby.Anytime.
Cara sent Kenzie a kiss that made her shiver in disgust.
I barely heard the chorus of laughter,though,as i was indulged in one of my many staring contests with Jared Reynolds.I swear,to this day I can NOT see what they do.He was so stuck-up.So stupid.Such a....BOY!!
Jared scratched the back of his neck,and smiled shyly.It took me a minute to realise something that was as weird as ever......no gap.
(you might not catch on just yet,but give it time,please)
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139,777 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Hey there, I'm Bek.
Just before I review, I have a question: is this one of those Twilight-based stories about vampires biting or werewolves or something?
Okay, now that's out of the way, I'll get to the review.
As a teenager I love the little fight between...Well, that's it, I couldn't tell because of the quote marks. Please please please fix this up because I want to read what they're saying and know who says it. I love how someone (Clara?) says "Not as old as your mom." That made me smile
When you fix up the quote marks PM me! I'll review it again!
Bek
Welcome to YWS! I'm Kaedee. *waves*
People use the Quote button to Quote another writer's work when they are doing a review. For example, let's go to the first dialog part in this piece. It should be written like this:
See? You need a space after the first comma in red. The second comma in red should be a period. After this, you should say something like 'she said,', because she talks to Mac and Kayla right after wards. You have to do the same thing before everyone talks...it doesn't make sense to write like this:Here are some corrections for you.
Okay. I see you used the special Quote button for your dialogue...that's not what it's for!
"His tan is to die for!" Kayla sat up straight, puffing her chest out.
I took out the extra exclamation point and the comma there.
Also you need to put an extra space after your commas and periods.
Mackenzie Flarts did one of my infamous eye rolls, "Guys..." You have to indicate that she says something. This is the same problem above...this repeats throughout your whole story. By saying 'saying', 'she says', or something like that. Or you can use a word to describe how she said the next sentence, such as 'growled', 'chirped', 'exclaimed', but you can only use these words if they fit in the sentence.
You also had some spelling problems...for example, 'sense' should be 'since' in one sentence.
This was funny and entertaining! But the thing is, those funny Quote thingys make this confusing for someone to read this. By the way, I love Mackenzie's last name...Flarts! Reminds me of 'farts'. Hope I helped. Keep on writing-
KD