I felt his lingering presence near,
“Is it you?” I whispered, clear.
The currents, strong, they crash with might,
While basking in the warm sunlight.
The skies were painted soft with pink,
I let the bitter truth sink.
He’s not here, not by my side,
No reason for this gloom to hide.
I’d give my soul for just one touch—
Oh, God, am I asking for too much?
If only he’d been near,
I could have conquered every fear.
We would have walked by the seaside,
In a cabin by the beach, we’d reside.
With laughter and love our abode,
On the high tides we would have rode.
Savoring the sweetness of the pie,
Watching the hours drift by.
In your arms I would cuddle,
Tucked under your chin, I would snuggle.
With my breath upon your cheek,
From under your embrace, I’d take a peek.
We would have made it our little secret,
By the seashore, the pearls we would collect.
This could have been our life,
From the moment we became husband and wife.
Till death do us apart we’d pledge,
Nothing between us could draw a wedge.
The Almighty would bless us with bundles of joy,
We’d fill our homes with gifts and toy.
That could have been us one day,
If only you would stay.
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142,081 Literary Works • 676,569 Reviews
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
, make it seem they really said it.It's a wonderful day for a poem isn't it? I love reading poems!
Top Graham Cracker - the narrator of this poem yearns for the love of the man she can't have, maybe because he doesn't see her that way, maybe he's gone, or maybe he's with already someone else. Regardless of which, the narrator longs to be with this man, imagining what the future would be like had they ended up together. It's a story of lost hope and unfulfilled love!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I could tell you care about your rhyming scheme so much and there's nothing wrong with that. If you're like me who can't take rhymes away from poems, we might agree that there are some cases where we get too fixated on rhymes that we don't even notice they're forced or doesn't fit in. Like with the "abode" and "rode" (should be ridden) and "joy" and "toy" (should be toys to match with gifts)
You can also try to experiment with meters and shorten some words dor smoother lines. "Could have" can be "could've", "I'd take a peek" to "I'd peek, "we would" to "we'd", and "I would" to "I'd".
Also, this is more of a preference but, I think it'll be better to add quotation marks to
Chocolate Bar - I love how the settings is centered at the seaside (currents, waves, high tide, beach, seashore). It grounds the story to a specific place where they could've liver if had he stayed.
My favorite line is this:ahh the heartbreak! It hits so bad in a good way (T_T)
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall I had a really nice (and emotional) read. Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to read more of your poems! Have a day my fellow poet ^^
Wow that's a unique way to review. That's so cool 😎 Thank you so much for the feedback
Hello!
I really liked the sad, dreamy feeling of this poem. The seaside, sunset, cabin, and all the little moments the speaker imagines make the life they could have had feel really vivid.
I especially liked the ending because after spending the whole poem imagining their future together, we’re suddenly reminded that none of it happened.
The rhymes also give it a nice, almost song-like flow, although a few of them feel a little forced. I think adding some more unique or personal details about the two people could make the poem feel even more real and emotional.
Overall, it’s a sweet but heartbreaking poem, and the contrast between the beautiful imagined life and the reality makes it hit harder.
Loved the poem!
All the best<3
Will keep in mind. Thank you so much for the suggestions. Apologies for the delayed reply I somehow lost this site in my bazillion tabs and just found it. >^<
Hello!
First I wanted to say that this is a beautiful poem, the imagery is great and the writing is super emotional in the best way possible.
I do have some suggestions on grammar, though. These include,
while I know this could disrupt your rhyme scene, It would usually be "On the high tides me would have ridden.
Also,
maybe you meant "toy's"
Overall, the poem is well-structured, the poem makes sense.
Thank you, have a nice day, and stay safe!
thank you for the feedback. Yes, I know that but I really didnt want to jeopardize my rhyming scheme. Lol! Will work harder
Wishing the same for you!
I got a query though where do we see our points status and how to earn them?
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