IF I WERE YOU I would be there when you fall
watch you struggle and crawl
then help you up and say "you are strong".
IF I WERE YOU i would be your blanket when you cry,
wrapped on you i would lie,
inhale your each sigh,
and wait for the night to die.
IF I WERE YOU i would be your father when you need care,
i would be your mother too i swear,
be your brother to guard you always,
would be the smile that makes your eyes glaze.
IF I WERE YOU i would hold your hand when you are alone,
for your pain, i would moan,
and when you couldn't sleep ,
and your thoughts are far too deep,
i would sing a song for you,
till appears the morning dew.
and when you are on a precipice ,
and you are not sure ,who to trust,
you would always know you have me, for my heart you will always be the key.
BUT I AM NOT YOU and "what do you want ?" you ask,
does the above seem like a difficult task?
cause it is all it takes to last.
but you can't give me what i would try,
cause you are never there when i cry,
i can't help but say good bye
cause my eyes are running dry.
" and i watch you smile and move on,
BUT IF I WERE YOU I WOULD HAVE NEVER GONE"
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Canary word: Present
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130,210 Literary Works • 671,512 Reviews
Hello there!
Firstly, I honestly almost cried at the last stanza. You have a lyrical flow to your words that I just love. The emotions are wonderfully crafted and I couldn't write a better poem if I tried. Well this is a review so I have to focus on at least something that would make it better. Well there were some ruff edges you could have smoothed like the line, 'cause it is all it takes to last.' Confused me a bit on what you were saying but it's probably just me. Anyway I look forward to seeing your future work.
Have a wonderful day/night!
thank you so much :-*
Hey
I really like the theme of your poem. It's simple yet impactful. So I will start with some things that I feel could make this poem better.
1. I know the formatting should be totally the poet's choice, but over here putting "if I were you" in caps doesn't really make the poem look more attractive.
2. Pay attention to comas and full stops, and where to (not) use them
3. "IF I WERE YOU i would be your blanket when you cry,
wrapped on you i would lie," - In this line "wrapped around" should be there , according to me.
4."you would always know you have me, for my heart you will always be the key."
- try separating these two lines. I think it would be better that way.
Again, all this is just my personal opinion. It's totally your choice. All in all, great poem!
thank you for the review. i have never paid much attention on the format of my work but your pointing out gives an insight. i would keep this in mind.
Hey, Dogs here to review!
I really liked your poem, it was so meaningful to me!
I'm going to start with nitpicks/errors and then get on to what I liked about the poem!
Nitpicks
*If I sound rude or harsh, I apologize in advance. I don't mean to be, I'm only trying to help*
1)
Notice how the entire poem rhymes, but these to words. I know it's hard to come up with rhymes such as a poem like this where everything rhymes. It's happened to me before. You could always try to find a synonym that rhymes with always or glaze, but it's all up to you, I just thought I would point this out. It's fine the way it is, it makes since, but the poem loses rhythm when you have a spot where the rhyme gets a little bump in the road, if you know what I mean. That's about the only place where this happened, so everything else is good!
2)
Here you need an apostrophe in front of the word "till" to make it 'till because the real word is until and till is not you are just taking the "till' from "until" if that makes any since!
3) As I was reading I couldn't help but notice a small capitalization problem. Few i's are capitalized in the poem. You must capitalize all the i's even in the middle of a sentence. You need to because it's a title to show that the reader is talking about themselves.
That's about it fro nitpicks, so I hope they helped!
Moving on...
What I liked about the poem...
1) The theme: I really liked the theme which to me seemed to be "If I were you." which I think is very creative.
2) The creativity: The creativity you put into this is amazing, I would've never thought to write something as amazing and beautiful as this.
3) The meaning: I really liked the meaning of the poem (even if it's just me who thinks of a meaning for poems!) it told me how much you would've cared for this girl/boy, but they wouldn't have cared as much about you, and I thought how you showed that was beautiful
4) The rhyme scheme: I loved the rhyming patterns I found in this poem, it was cool how you tried to rhyme every word with another!
Overall, I loved the whole poem, and I hope to see more like this from you in the future.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
P.S. Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions comments and/or concerns please let me know, and I will answer them for you!
P.S.S Sorry about the late welcome to our community!
~Dogs
thank you so much for this review. it really helped specially the 3 points that tell me about my mistake. you are awesome !
glad you liked the poem and gave your time to it
No problem!
~Dogs