Hey, anonymou5. Firstly I want to say really quickly that I see you've posted a lot of pieces on YWS and haven't posted even one review. You are already benefiting a lot from the people that give their time to review you, and I'm sure you've learned a lot already, so I am sincerely hoping you'll pay it forward in the future. I'm going to PM you after this review with some helpful links.
Now, for the poem.
Those first two lines are magical. They are full of imagery, personality, situation, and a sense of stillness where movement is caged. I will not be able to express my love of them enough. The title, too, is intriguing.
But the rest of the poem is something I cannot get along with at all. I don't understand, really, what you thought you would get from a poem that just followed the easiest rhymes you came across. You lost your magical start completely in following silly rhyme to silly rhyme. It's as if you bring in a new character for every line, just making their names rhyme with whatever came before: you've got too many people on stage trying to play a part, and none of them are related.
I really hope you'll consider rewriting this poem with intent, because for now it feels slapped together and not-cared-about. If I'm wrong, that's fine. But I'd really love to see a thoughtful edit.
Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck, and keep writing!
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