Someday,somehow,somewhere…
i’ll be gone and destiny wouldnt allow me to stay..
there are words left unspoken,
missions never accomplished,
secrets never reveal,
actions never express,
feeling never shared and forgiveness
never give…
fate will never give me another chance to spend
simple moments with you..
no more laughed,
no more fighting,
no more talked,
and no more love to shared…
but still i want you to know that your worth as a good friend of mine will be a part of the reasons why im here and standing still,
although life gives a thousand of trials and pain..
and i will never ever forget how you once touch my life and
shared me its wonderful meaning…
[quote][/quote]
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
First Impressions
Well first off, if you're using the lack of correct punctuation and capitalization as a literary technique, it's not working with this particular piece. I suggest perhaps going through and fixing your basic grammar, it'll really help you in the long run.
This stanza has some real issues with verb tenses. The way the sentences are set up it should read "no more laughing, no more fighting, no more talking, no more love to share" or something along those lines. The way it is set up now is highly confusing to the reader, not to mention it's not grammatically correct at all.
Content
The main problem I have with the content is that it's a very basic idea that has been done many many times before. Break up poems are everywhere, but very few of them actually work. How do you make a breakup poem work? Using poetic devices is a very good place to start. I suggest checking out the [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticles.php?f=152] poetry section of the Knowledge Base [/b] for more tips. There are some really great articles there.
Overall
I think a good reworking would be a great idea for this piece. There are a lot of places you can go with it, you just need more imaginary and more poetic feel to it.
Best of luck!
OverEasy
I agree, this needs work. Add capitalization, fix some of the punctuation, find a flow, and get the tenses/ending right, and then I'll critique. Even though you can post things for help, it doesn't mean you just post whatever and let everyone else fix it for you. You get it so that it's the best you can, and then you post and see what people have to say. Not to be mean, but most of what I'd say to fix is fairly common sense stuff.
I think this needs some work, like need no love to shared? shouldnt it be share?