Published June 17, 2011
Blood trickled down Ryans face as his head hit the hard pavement of one of Londens many hidden tunnels, but he had to forget about the punding sensation in his skull because the thing that had attacked him gripped his throat tightly with its claw like hands "prepare to die!" it snarled in his ear, its breath smelt of rotting flesh and it made the hairs on Ryans neck stand up.
The thing opened its jaw wide exposing many sharp blood stained teeth just waiting to taste the blood they laid beneath. It was closer now so close Ryan could feel its warm breath against his now cold neck when suddenly he rememberd the blade that rested safely in his jeans pocket he reached for it and drove it hard into the creatures chest, it let out a high pitched cry before it fell motionless to the ground.
Ryan jumped to his feet pushing the creature aside he smiled, he wasn't going to die. Well not today anyway, and definately not by the hands of a demon.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this appears to be a bit of a prologue or perhaps a piece from a scene in the first chapter of a story, it is a little hard to say exactly which one of the two this is going to be but this is definitely off to a start that would fit both of those scenarios rather well here.
For starters, this looks to be the middle of a bit of a fight scene here, and that's always fun to dive into at the very beginning, but you also do a good job of immediately establishing a sense of desperation in the protagonist here with the sense that they are very much on the losing end of this fight and that does instantly drag you in as a reader.
Hmm, so this is interesting, you could certainly sense some genuine fear on the part of the protagonist in this one and you get a sense they really were very much on the verge of losing out, but then we have ourselves a bit of a last minute move that then ends up completely deciding the fight...I feel like that one ended a touch too fast. With the kind of stakes and desperation that you established there, it feels a bit disappointing to have it end so easily and so quickly with no real damage being done to the protagonist in the rest of the fight. You need to either make this fight look a bit more intense from the beginning or make it easy also from the beginning, you can't really have both and expect a fight scene to come off good.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This would be categorised in a 'short story,' the spelling could use improvement also. However I think this story has great potential and I would love to see similar stories or poems like this. Congratulations on the good story, I really enjoyed reading it and it was very interesting. I wouldn't mind reading this in an actual book one day.
-WritingAway
oh aniwinchester,
this piece of maginificant poetry sent me back to the army days where i fought for my country. when i read this i feel exhileration in my left knee. <thats a good thing.
btw (hipster slang for by the way) you should do more poems like this
Well done.
Sincerely, Mrpunctuation.
thankyou for your reply i realy liked what you said about it and its nice to get someone elses judgment.
sorry about the spelling and grammar im not realy the best at them, im also new to this site so i didnt realy know where to post it and it was just a little something i thought of while i was on this site last night so i might expand it at a later date.
thanks,
aniwinchester
Hello. I am Masque, and I shall be reviewing your piece today. -ehem- First I'll go through some grammatical edits.
Alright, the first thing I noticed is that this piece is very short. You posted it under novels, so is this a first chapter? It seems quite short for a chapter, though that's really a matter of opinion. Are you planning on continuing with this? The writing itself was fine, though not exceptional. There was some good visual imagery in spots, but not a lot as far as figurative language. It was interesting, however, and did leave me curious about what could be going on.
Good work!
Masquerade