Published November 12, 2009
I was walking down the alley, about to make my way home just in time to get some sleep. I chanced upon this weird man in a black hood coming up to me. I was startled, so I backed away yet the man came closer. I figured I can take this old man if a fight ensued so I asked “Gramps, what’s your problem?” He answered “Nothing my son. It’s just that I have come to tell you of your misfortune.”
This guy must be a wack job. I thought I got time to kill, I might as well play along. “So grampa, what is my so-called ‘misfortune’?” He tells me “For one, I am death. Isn’t that misfortune enough?”
I hardly contained myself from laughing. I didn’t realize how serious his face was until I stopped and asked “ARE YOU HIGH GRAMPS?! It’s really late and you’re not supposed to be outside.” He replied “Oh, that is a misconception. Death comes and goes whenever it likes.”
I thought “Is this guy fucking serious?!”. I decided to leave. “Whatever gramps. I’m tired, it’s late, I got work in the morning. See ya!” He then hastily replied “You cannot walk away from death for death always waits at the end of every destination. The destination which is life.”
I’ve had it with this old coot. He started to creep me out. I came close to him and asked a rather sarcastic question “So if you’re really death, tell me this: When am I gonna die?” in which he vaguely replied “I do not know when. But there are clues for a person to know when their time is almost up.”
I was fascinated at his answer. So I dared him one more time before I finally just leave him and treat this night as one of those bizarre moments in life. “Okay, so how do WE know we’re about to die?”
With a frown, he replied in a low voice “Death talks to them.”
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141,736 Literary Works • 675,642 Reviews
I love the ending. But I think you need to put more inner thoughts so they can transition form thought to thought smoothly insted of just talking inside his head, which is what I think you did.
Great Flash Fiction by the way. I haven't read anything like that at all
wow, someone actually loved this work
i'm so happy. thank you for reading and critiquing!
Loved the ending!
A few things that proved to be hicups for me was the following:
- I like how you clearly showed the difference in both the characters speech, but remember that you don't have to add "He then replied" "Then I said" "I asked". If you describe a character's actions and he has a very unique way of speaking, it is not always neccesary.
- Maybe put the thought in italics? Up to you.
- This is great and builds suspense, but I must admit that I was confused with the middle part. Maybe rewording it or even breaking it up into two sentences? But it could just be me lol
- AWESOME!!!
Great work and hope to see more! I really like the ultra short story and the fact that it packs a decent punch lol
Cheers,
Vince