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Voices: Welcome to the Games

by angelhunter97

Her midnight blue eyes open, looking around the dark room while the voices whisper sweetly, quietly in her ear. No one is with her but her own insanity.

Welcome back to our game, Jezebell,” he chortles. “Are you ready to play again?”

The sixteen year old sits up in her bed, a smile spreading from ear to ear. In the shadow of the night, her dark eyes glimmer with excitement.

Excellent. Where are your toys?

She reaches under the queen sized bed, taking out an old, mangled, shoebox and setting it on the mattress. She opens the lid, revealing serrated blades, pistols with mufflers, and empty vials surrounded by ones filled with deep scarlet liquid.

Change, my dear, before we have our fun."

Bell pushes the blankets off and changes from her pajamas into something more.....comfortable. She pulls her night black hair into a bun before sliding on a ski mask.

“Who am I competing with tonight?” she asks quietly.

“The newlywed couple across the street. This time, you will have a challenge; they are awake,” he responds.

Bell stifles a giggle and after placing her gear in hidden pockets, slips out her window and jumping into the nearby tree, climbing down silently. She runs across the street, sneaking into the Mason's backyard. She hums a song as she starts to fiddle the locks with a pin. Eventually, she hears a mute click and she tiptoes inside. Immediately, she sees the living room and the two heads of the couple. Obnoxiously, she turns and kicks at a wall, slamming herself against the ground as the man turns around.

“Did you hear something?” Mr. Mason looks around confused.

“It was probably the window upstairs,” the woman sighs.

He looks unconvinced as he turns his attention back to the screen. Bell crawls along the floor, getting closer. She taps each of them on the shoulder.

“Why did you do that?” they ask each other simultaneously. “Me? I didn't do anything!”

The teenager hides a laugh and pounds furiously against the couch.

“Alright, that's it!” Neil stands from the couch, taking hold of the nearby baseball bat. “Who's in here? Show yourself!”

Stay put,” the voice hisses. “Let him find you.

Neil huffs angrily and walks around, getting closer and closer to the girl every second. He gets to the back of the couch and freezes upon seeing her. Bell emits an eerie, animalistic snarl before pouncing. Before he could swing, she was on top of him, getting her arms around his neck. She makes him fall to the ground, purple in the face while his wife is screaming bloody murder.

“ gun!” he manages, pulling at Bell's hands that are now seeming immoveable.

Tina runs upstairs to fetch the pistol while Bell released Mr. Mason. The girl flips away from him, landing in a crouch. Neil gasps for air, grasping his wooden weapon as he stands.

“What are you here for? Jewelry? Money?” he demands.

Bell flashes him a wicked grin. He swings at her, yet she dodges all too easily. He take another, and she kicks the thing right out of his hands.

Why Mrs. Mason wasn't down yet, nobody knows.

“Fine. Two can play at this game.”

Bell chuckles evilly. Neil aims a punch, but she grabs his arm, twisting it painfully behind his back.

“I'm glad you could join the fun,” Bell cackles, pulling his arm up higher, paralyzing the poor man.

He cries out in agony at the sound of the sickening snap. She lets him go and backs up, jumping and placing a roundhouse kick to his jaw. It cracks, and Tina comes bounding down the stairs. She screams with horror upon seeing her husband on his knees.

With shaky hands, she aims the gun. Belle grips one of her serrated knives and throws it into the base of the woman's neck.

NO!Neil bellows.

Red pours out from under the blade. She falls to the ground and Bell carefully retrieves the weapon.

“You lose,” she laughs. She calmly walks over to him and slits his throat cleanly. Humming, she takes out a silver vial and lets both of the blood flow in before she corks it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have another winner!” A crowd cheers wildly in her ears. “Leave this mess. We'll clean up any evidence you left behind. Go home, Jezebell.

With a skip in her step, she dashes back to her house. She rapidly climbs up the tree, into the window. She changes from her murder clothes back to her Pjs, hiding all of her things under her bed where no one would find them.

You have done well, pupil,” he congratulates.

“When do I get to play again?” she wonders.

Tomorrow night. Now sleep, my dear. You mustn't be weary for tomorrow's events.”

Bell nods, closing her eyes. She falls into the bed, turning over and lifting the covers back to her. She fell into a dreamless wonderland.

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2058 Reviews

Points: 32885
Reviews: 2058

Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:52 am
Emerson wrote a review...

Hi there Angel! Thank you for sharing this work. I think it's an interesting, original horror piece.

To start with the good, you certainly have an interesting premise here, and while your formatting is unconventional, it is pretty!

Here's some of my more critical thoughts:

Why could the family not see Bell? The way you're writing makes it seem like they can't see her, but that's not very well explained. If they CAN see her, you might want to make that more evident. If they can't see her - Why not? I think that should be detailed.

How was she so dang strong? I've done some weight lifting in my time and it takes a lot of work to lift, much less wrestle with, something half my weight, much less two or three times that. Is she not only crazy but also superhuman? I realize that might blow a hole through the story but it's something that should be thought about. Realism is incredibly important.

I feel like, as a story to be detailing the gruesome, you cut out a lot of moments of detail. Remember we have more senses than eyes and ears. How does it smell or taste, or feel for bell? or for the family who is being murdered? Depending on what reaction you want to produce.

Another point of realism, what kind of mental health issue does she have? I know a lot of people like to just talk about insanity and generally graft a cool story over it, but it does't always work. Not only is she having auditory hallucinations but she's also believing them. Is she schizophrenic or something thereof? I've had a lot of varied experiences with mental health and "sanity" so you may want to look into those conditions that can cause hallucinations and delusions.

At the beginning of the story you say, "No one is with her but her own insanity. " I think this is a line you should remove. While it might sound creepy, it basically ruins your whole story. Don't tell us she is insane, show us! Show us, show us, show us every graphic detail and convince me she is bonkers, otherwise I'll never believe anything else you write.

If you have any questions about he review, feel free to message me! PS I did not read anything before me so if I repeated someone, consider it merely an echo.

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5 Reviews

Points: 641
Reviews: 5

Tue Sep 18, 2012 7:51 pm
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ZaryaParadis wrote a review...

Might I just say... creepy. You say she's sixteen? That seems... morbid. Very morbid. I understand there are the "Voices", but honestly. Perhaps her age could be a little older? Unless you want everyone to think you are some sick, twisted individual. I believe you have left out some important information, like what about her parents? Why is Bell like this? How long has she been doing this, and why? You would think someone at the age of sixteen would know not to kill people, even if some creepy people in her head tell her to. She thinks this is OKAY? This piece is alright, if you were into that kind of thing. I personally think stuff this... extreme should be flagged as inappropriate. There are young eyes on this website, you know. You could give people nightmares. Maybe you need some help, Angel. Just saying.

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22 Reviews

Points: 1325
Reviews: 22

Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:44 am
IrishFire18 wrote a review...

Usually, I don't read this kind of thing. But I saw your name as the author so I decided to give it a try. It was a really good piece.

Since DudeMcGuy already covered your grammatical errors, I won't get into that. I have to admit, the beginning didn't really hook me in. I have to work on my openings, too, but I think you could switch out the "Welcome back to our game, Jezebell" with the first bit about her eyes and her insanity. That way, you still have them both, but you have a better hook in the beginning.

I have to admit, I don't see the victim couple as newlyweds, I see them as an older couple in their fifties. Maybe you could develope their characters a little further to make it more personal. Perhaps give them a life story, a family, something. I think you could also put more into Bell's wicked personality, too. When did it start? Why did it start? Where are her parents? What is her life like to make her so horribly insane? Has she killed anyone close to her, like a best friend or a family member?

I really think you could turn this into a full-blown novel. It's a spine-chilling piece. It could be lengthened into a really great first chapter, and then eventually be turned into a great novel. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work, AngelHunter. (: Great job.

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Points: 300
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Tue Jun 12, 2012 2:17 am
Tera says...

Wow hunter this is really interesting, was into the story all the through. Wish you`d write more of this DX

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43 Reviews

Points: 3541
Reviews: 43

Fri Jun 08, 2012 6:25 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...

Hello angelhunter,

I'm here for the review I promised. I agree with the advice of the reviewers who came before me on this one. (TheDayBT and JabberHut hit the nail on the head). You want to write your story in a way that the reader "discovers" the details, rather than listing them. "Show, don't tell" as they say. Of course this is much easier said than done. (I struggle with it myself). There are times when you do show well, and others when you don't. It just takes practice and patience.

As you continue to write more ask yourself as you go, "Is this detail important for the reader to know right now?" Your instinct will say "yes", but often the answer is "no". I'm no expert, but all I know is that good writing has a balance in this regard.

My impressions: Wow, what a twisted "game" she plays! haha. But honestly, this isn't my type of thing. I don't really enjoy horror/thrillers (film or written). That's OK though, I knew what it was before I dove into it. And it was spooky enough to stay interesting for the most part. Good job.

With that said, allow me to give you a quick technical overview of what I found. This was mostly error free, with just a few dialogue errors.

“Welcome back to our game, Jezebell.,” he chortles. (No period after "Jezebell")

“Get dressed, my dear, before we have our fun. (No comma after "dressed". Also, "before we have our fun" is a little awkward here. Maybe "it's time to play!" or something? Your story though, just making a suggestion)

“The newlywed couple across the street. This time, you will have a challenge; they are awake,” he responds. (No comma after "time")

“Why did you do that?” They ask each other simultaneously. (Even though there is a question mark after "that", this is still a single sentence. So "They" should not be capitalized.)

“What are you here for? Jewelry? Money?” He demands. (Same thing here. This is a single sentence. No need to capitalize "He". I would also try “What are you here for?" he demands. Jewelry? Money?” flows a little better in my opinion.)

“When do I get to play again?” She wonders. (No need to capitalize "She")

OK, that's all from me. Good luck going forward angelhunter.

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40 Reviews

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Reviews: 40

Sun Jun 03, 2012 7:11 am
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TheDayBeforeTomorrow wrote a review...

Hey, Angel! Here to review like I said I would. :)

I think this was an awesome piece. It would qualify as a short story though, like flash fiction. The whole thing with the voices is kind of creepy, though. It's fast-paced, which works best for flash fiction or short stories, and we get a good idea of what the main character is like. You could lengthen it though, it would make for a cool novel.

I have to agree with Jabber that there were a few indications of not-so-good writing. It's best to [i]show[i] the reader details, not [i]tell[i] them. Take Bell's outfit, for example. I don't think it was necessary to go into that much detail, because it just annoys the reader. Same for the placing of the furniture. It makes the story a lot easier to read if you incorporate details into your writing instead of just telling us.

Overall, I liked this piece, and it does have potential to become a novella, but it will do fine as it is. Hope this helped. Keep writing!


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1464 Reviews

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Wed May 30, 2012 2:50 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi, Angel!

This was an awesome piece. I enjoyed the story, and I hope I could read more some time. Maybe you plan to lengthen it? It would make a cool short story or novella anyway. :)

It was a fun stand-alone piece, too! It kept me wondering at the end, which I always like.

Okay, so what I noticed at first was the opening line. It didn't hook me. It was long, it gave unnecessary details required to keep the story moving, and it was -- all in all -- not interesting. I didn't want to keep reading. And that's a bad thing, of course! Beginnings are hard. They're just as hard as endings if not harder. I could end up changing my beginning between thirty different scenarios before I pick a good one to stick with and clean up. They're tough! So I would pay attention to your beginning, certainly.

Your style is a bit simple and rushed. Let's enjoy the moment, as murderously grotesque as that is. xD Put us in the main character's shoes. We want to feel, hear, smell, taste, touch everything she's doing. Of course, everything would be over-bearing. You'd have to use personal judgment as well as some beta readers (like myself right now) to figure out if you're putting in enough description for a healthy read. Just make sure you put in enough to where the reader is in this world.

Now, there are a few indicators of.... Well, for lack of a better word, there are some indicators for sloppy writing. This usually entails explaining every little detail about the way the main character looks or the way the room is set up. Furniture placing... isn't usually that important. If they trip over the hat stand as they walk into the front door, that would be a great description of the front hall! But giving us a list of what kinds of furniture is in there isn't usually necessary. In this case, we're more concerned about what the heck this girl is doing in their house, so that's not necessary in the least! Tell us there's a couch by telling us, "She ducked behind the couch." Yay! We know there's a couch now! Get it? ;)

It's a subtle way to describe your room, but it's effective, and it also allows the reader to use their imagination, too.

And we don't really care -- well. Actually, why is she wearing a hoodie? xD A hoodie and sweats cannot be easy to fight ninja-like moves in. She's dressing a little too baggy, I think. But anyway! Lists are not helpful, as much as they seem to be. I know I fell for this a lot when I first started writing stories. The reader doesn't like it, though. That's too much information to process in one sentence -- information that's going to vanish by the time they read the next sentence.

Unnecessary information. :) That's what that is. So be sure that what you're telling us is actually important for the reader to picture at the time. The information should keep the story going in some way. Don't let it bog down the piece or slow the reader down.

Finally, I got confused with some of the dialogue. I'd have liked a little more focus on what that voice was and how she felt about that voice. All those questions about it. I was confused. xD I also got some of it mixed up with the people speaking. Too many active characters, I suppose, and not enough explanation as to what was going on.

These are all tips to consider when going back to edit. What you have is a great start and, like I said, an incredibly fun story. I wish I could read more! And I hope you consider doing more with this idea. (And let me know if you do! ;))

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thanks for your ideas! My weaknesses of my writing are all that you've mentioned, besides writer's block >.< But thank you very much for your words of advice. This piece will not be turned into a novella or anything bigger than it is. It was simply something small I had came up with while I was bored in study hall :)

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33 Reviews

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Reviews: 33

Sun May 27, 2012 2:35 pm
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eyeofthestorm wrote a review...

Hello there, I'm Storm and I'm going to be reviewing this for you today.
First of all, let me congratulate you. This is a really good piece. I like how the action is maintained throughout the whole story, rather than coming in uncertain little bursts with lulls between them.
Overall, you've done some amazing writing. I'd just like to point out a few spots you could polish to really make it shine.
In the beginning you use the phrase "a smile spreading from ear to ear." I think you could replace that with something less common, like "a cruel grin playing across her lips."
There was one place I noticed where you switched verb tenses or it at least sounded like you did. "This paralyzed the poor man. He cries out in agony at the sound of the sickening snap." I think you should rewrite this little piece as "...Bell cackles. She pulls his arm up higher, paralyzing him. He cries out..."
Anyways, thanks for posting! I always love to read things like this that are really good.

Thanks! :)

Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.
— Matthew 12:25