I was too tired to comprehend what was going on. All I knew was that I was being drug out of my house, a sharp pain in my foot. There was an animal, large and dark, invisible in the darkness of night. The scenes I saw were a blur with the speed of the beast. I began to think; what animal is mad enough to drag me out of my own house to use me as a midnight snack? There were low growls and snaps of branches. I groggily looked around, noticing I was in the woods, which were several miles from my house. How could this be? I had only seen my home a few moments ago. The animal released my foot, licking its lips at the blood.
“You will make a fine snack,” a voice whispered. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and made me shiver in the warm summer's air. “You're blood is delightful. What about the rest of you?” Canines sank into my shin and tore out some muscle. I screamed in agony while the beast swallowed down my flesh. Glowing yellow eyes beamed in the shadows. “Exquisite.” The clouds over the full moon passed, and I was able to see my attacker. It was a massive wolf, obviously not any normal one. “Yes, I do believe you will satisfy my needs.” The bloody muzzle of it moved as the words flowed. This thing was actually talking? It opened its mouth to take another bite, revealing inch and a half long teeth that extended down to a fine point. I let out a whimper and gasped when it chomped into my stomach. There was a searing pain that flowed through my body as my abdomen was shredded and swallowed. Screams would not help me now, so I remained silent as this devilish wolf scarfed me down. My vision became blurry, shapes were incomprehensible. There was a blinding light and the wolf leapt away from me. “No! She's mine!” A menacing, protective snarl echoed in my eardrums. I didn't have to look to know the frightening teeth were bared.
“Let her go, Ansel,” a husky, deep voice warned, “otherwise I will have to break the pact your kind hold so dear. You know you are not permitted to feed on humans.”
“It's just one! What will one measly, unimportant girl do to affect the world?” The wolf's voice changed, and sounded more human than beast. “She smelled so divine, I couldn't help myself.”
“Don't make me kill you. I'm sure that would upset your master.” There was a hearty chuckle. “Believe me. I will do it.”
“Let me finish her off, doc. Then I will go and you may do whatever you would like with the remnants,” Ansel negotiated. “Let me put her out of her misery.” I could sense a smile.
“No. You will leave, now.” The other voice drew angry and impatient.
“Fine, fine. But I will get her another time.” There was a whoosh, a warning growl, and padding of paws as the animal dashed away.
I felt strong, sturdy arms around me, and through my haze, I could see a pair of winter moss eyes glinting the moon's light. The smell of copper filled my nostrils, but I paid no attention. I was going numb; I had already lost feeling in my legs. The man began walking, or running, I couldn't really tell which as he was gentle with me.
“What is your name?” His voice was like silk as he whispered in my ear.
I looked at him, gazing into intriguing moss colored eyes. The beautiful things put me at peace.“Terra,” I managed. I sounded pathetic, weak, dieing.
“I'm here to help you.” He continued to speak calmly, comforting me. “You will feel better soon,” were the last words I heard before I succumbed to unconsciousness.
Welcome
When I opened my eyes, the light nearly blinded me. I squinted, allowing my eyes to adjust, and looked around. I was in a medium sized room with two other people; men I didn't know. I looked down upon myself and saw my arms and legs strapped onto the bed I was laying on.
“You,” I growled, grabbing the attention of one of the men. He was young, obviously no older than twenty. He looked at me with moss colored eyes. He was beautiful, young, muscular. The way his black hair hung around his light eyes was breathtaking. “Where am I?” My Italian accent lilted in my words.
“Ah, Terra. You're finally awake.” He too had an Italian accent was clear in his deep, beautiful voice. I hid a shiver. “You've been unconscious for three days.”
“Why the hell am I strapped to this bed?” I snapped. A flood of heat swept through me. It felt as if something was going to rip out of my skin.
“Temper, dear. You're going to hurt yourself.” The man observed one of the monitors I was hooked up into and wrote something down on a clipboard. His gorgeous eyes were calm, but expectant. He didn't speak for several minutes, which made me mad. He still hadn't answered my question, and that boiled my blood. One of the machines began to beep frantically, which I assumed to be a heart monitor because I felt like my rib cage was going to be shattered by how hard and fast it was beating. He didn't seem concerned; a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth.
“Kai” The other man, or teenager I should say, looked at me with alarm. “She's going to lose it.”
“Good. We'll let her.”
I clenched my hands into fists. I was shaking with my easily gained anger. A fire spread through my veins. I looked at the one called Kai with fiery eyes. “Let me out of this thing,” I demanded.
“I'm afraid we can't do that, my dear.” He smiled at me, revealing a set of pearl white, perfect teeth. It made my heart rate spike, and red flashed across my cheeks. He chuckled. “Just let your anger get the better of you.”
I struggled against the straps. They were bound tight, allowing me little room to attempt my escape. A growl rumbled in my chest and with one angry pull, the straps snapped. I tore the hookups out of my flesh. I jumped free from the broken leather pieces, crouching on the bed with a snarl. I was ready to kill these two, if it allowed me my freedom. Kai seemed entirely at ease as he scrawled his pen across the paper on his clipboard; his friend was the exact opposite as a sheen of sweat dampened his face.
“Kai...” the voice was filled with fear.
“Let's see what she's capable of.” Kai turned and looked at me with a lopsided smile. “How angry are you, Terra?”
“Enough to kill you,” I responded, my voice a menacing growl that made my skin crawl. What was I doing? I looked in Kai's eyes, and relaxed. I knew those pretty things anywhere. “Wait. I know you.” I sat on the cot, the anger subsiding. “You saved me.”
“Ah, so you do remember me. I was waiting for that. What else do you recall?”
I looked down at myself, recalling what the wolf had done to me. My stomach had been healed, obviously, and my ankle seemed fine. “What did you do to me?”
“I did say I would help you. But what I did doesn't matter now. What does is what you are.”
“What I am?” My voice rose three octaves. “I'm not that thing that attacked me, am I?”
“Sort of.”
In a nanosecond, I had leaped off the bed, grabbed the man by the collar of his shirt, and pinned him several feet up the wall. I was doing this with one hand, and I was highly surprised. What had happened to me? “What do you mean, sort of?” I demanded. He didn't answer; I pounded him against the wall with a menacing snarl, leaving an indentation. “What do you mean?!”
“Give me a minute to explain, Terra. And set me down for Christ's sake.”
A rumble echoed in my chest. I tightened my grip on him, constricting the area he had room to breathe. He gasped for air. “No one tells me what to do,” I snapped, my body trembling. Something was about to burst out of me.
“James!” Kai managed, looking into my eyes with horror. “The syringe!” I punched him in the gut, knocking the air out of him and letting him fall to the floor. “Quick!” He gasped. “ She's changing!”
I turned to see his friend scrambling about, readying the needle with some sort of reddish liquid. I bared my teeth, hissing. I could feel my heart racing, threatening to explode. I felt my bones shifting, warning the fact that I was about to change. It ached, but it was bearable. The one called James ran at me, holding the syringe, ready to inject me with the fluids. It was lightning fast, and before I could move, the needle was deep into my neck with James releasing the red stuff into me. I tried to revolt, only to find myself frozen at the mercy of him. Why was thishappening? Kai inched himself off the floor, using the wall as a support as he clenched his stomach. I swayed, suddenly dizzy, falling into black.
* * * * *
I didn't know how long it was before I awoke again. All I knew was that I was in steel chains in a dark room. I pulled at them, though I knew it wasn't going to do any good to me now; I hadn't the slightest idea on how I could get out of whatever this place was.. I lay there on the carpeted floor of the room, waiting for Kai, James, or whoever to come in. My neck ached slightly, sore from the massive needle that was stabbed into it. There were voices outside the door, muffled, but understandable.
“With all due respect sir, I do not think she is ready for such action. She doesn't even know what she is.” I knew that voice anywhere; it was Kai's. “We had to sedate her before I could even explain what had happened to her. Her temper is that of the Scottish. Very unpredictable.”
“I will be the judge of that.” The other voice was aged, stern, and bold. The door opened, allowing light into the shaded room. My eyes instantly adjusted.
I pushed myself into a sitting position, leaning against a wall as I looked at the two with a smug smile. “Hello gentlemen.” I snaked my hands behind my back.
They walked in. Kai looked suspicious and cautious, whereas the other didn't bother to care whether I was stable or not. I was surprised upon seeing the other guest. He was the mayor of Newberry, Michigan. He was on the chubby side, clothes a tad too small for his bulging body. His blonde hair looked greasy, filled with whatever hair products he desired.
“Terra.” His voice sounded enraged. “I understand you don't know what is going on right now. But I am here to tell you of your purpose.” I looked at him, confused.“You are now part of the military as their greatest weapon.”
“I thought this was a country where I could choose what I wanted to do with my life.” I narrowed my eyes, fire prickling in my veins.
“You don't any more. You are not human, so the laws mean nothing to you now. You are under my control; you will do everything I say, without question. Understood?”
I chuckled. I pulled at the chains that bound my wrist and they broke easily. In a flash, I had grabbed the fat man and pinned him against a wall as I had done previously with Kai. I looked at the mayor with distaste. “I don't think so, mister Luckes. You see, nobody can control me, human or not. I may not know what the hell I am anymore, but I can find out real quick.” I smiled, feeling two sharp points grazing across my lips.
“Kai.” The name was obviously a command, but no one listened.
Kai stood in the doorway, watching me with an interested expression. He made no move to rescue the mayor, and he looked as if he had no intention to. His enticing eyes looked at me, saying “Go ahead. Do it. See what you can do.”
“Kai!” Luckes bellowed, clearly fearful of losing his life. “Sedate her!”
My grin turned wicked. I gripped the chubby neck, silencing any other words he intended to speak. He gasped for air, placing his clammy hands on my one arm and trying to pull me off. I let out a snarl; it sounded like an animal, like Ansel. I was shocked at myself, but it flashed horror across the man's face. I bared my teeth, growls still heard clear as day. Claws shot out from my fingernails, and I dug them into Luckes' neck, spilling blood over my hand. He pushed at me, frantic and scared, fighting to live. I constricted my hand, letting no oxygen through his airways. The blood flooded out, soaking my hand and dribbling down my arm, occasionally slipping onto the carpet silently. The scent of it made my mouth water; I licked my lips, wanting a taste. Luckes' face turned purple and blue, deprived from his necessary breathing.
“Terra,” Kai spoke calmly. “Let him go.” He stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder. An electric shock flowed through me at the touch. I let go of the fat mayor, letting him drop to the ground. He wasn't breathing; I had damaged his windpipe enough so that he would die within the hour. “Good. Now step away from him.” I followed his command like I was a robot. His voice was sweet, calm, harmless, making me shiver inwardly and desire to hear more. “Leave this room, and explore the mansion as you please. Just, don't hurt anyone. They will leave you alone.” His expression was pleading. I couldn't help but to obey.
I merely nodded and walked out of the room. I licked the blood off my hands; it sent a cool feeling through me, calming. I strolled easily through the hallways, not knowing where I was going or where I was. Everyone I passed trembled at the sight of me. They didn't say a word, and were obviously fearful of simply my presence. What had I become so that people would be scared by looking at me? I sighed, shook my head, and continued walking on. This mansion of Kai's was massive, bigger than any other I had ever seen. There were hundreds of hallways, and I was easily lost. But I didn't mind. I had nowhere to be and no one to see. Or did I? I passed a room with an open door, revealing a heavily furnished room with hundreds of decorative items. There was a body length mirror; curious as to what I looked like a couple days after my near death experience of an animal eating me alive, I walked inside the empty room and stood before the reflective glass.
My hair was chocolate brown with blonde streaks; that hadn't changed. My once sky blue eyes were now a dark reddish shade of amber. They were frightening, dangerous. My complexion was pale, nearly the shade of the moon and nearly glowing in the soft lighting. I was nineteen, yet I now looked early twenties, maybe twenty-five. My body was shaped more like an hourglass, beautiful and awe striking. I looked like a goddess straight out of a mythology book. I knew I was beautiful before hand, but now I was just stunning and jaw dropping. I smiled, and nearly blinded myself with the intensity of my white teeth. I observed two that were slightly longer than the rest; they extended down to a nasty point. I grazed my tongue along them and instantly tasted blood. There was a sharp sting, but it faded as the blood flow had. I looked at my tongue in the mirror, and was shocked to see no wound, not even a faint scar. What had I become? I turned away from the mirror and nearly jumped out of my skin upon seeing the figure in the doorway.
“I figured you would eventually make your way here, Terra.” The Italian accent was plain as Kansas. I said nothing. “This is your room. You will find everything from your previous home here.”
I sat on the bed. “Kai, what am I?”
“I knew that question wasn't too far off.” He leaned against the door jam, looking at me with those green eyes I had already started to adore. He sighed before continuing. “That animal that attacked you was something we call a Shifter. Both man and whatever animal they wish to be. When he bit you, his DNA was transferred to you, and since you are not dead, you are now a Shifter.” I looked at him with a puzzled expression. “But that is not all, as I assume you've concluded.” I nodded, wanting to hear more. He sighed and walked over to sit onto the bed next to me. “You are every breed of a killer; Shifter, Shade, Vampire, Daemon, among other things, such as an Angel. You are immortal, and indestructible by all means.”
I shook my head, not understanding. “Why am I all of that when I only had Shifter blood within me?”
“Let me start from the beginning. This mansion is for the Society of the Forbidden, and I am its leader.”
“The Forbidden?”
“Everything you are and other kinds. The humans call them the Forbidden because they should not be allowed in everyday society, but there is much they don't know. The US government knows about us, and are actually giving us all the funds we need to support this place. When I took you here the other night, I informed the president; it is demanded of us whenever we acquire a new person. He thought you could be of great use to the military units, so he required me to infuse you with other DNA of Forbidden killing machines. You are merely an experiment.”
“An experiment,” I snarled. I looked at him with pursed lips, fire lighting in my eyes. “So you're saying I have no choice but to obey his every command? Go out to war in other countries?”
Kai let out another heavy sigh. “I'm afraid so. You are the last hope for us remaining free. The military is failing us, Terra. We desperately need your help.”
“I'm one person. I can't do everything on my own.”
“You will meet your soldiers at another time, once you have mastered what you can do.” He stood, not looking at me. “I'm sorry you have to go through this, but you really have no other choice.” His tone was sad and guilty, but cold as he walked out.
I sat there on my bed with a gaping jaw, watching him walk out. Rage inundated my veins as I clenched my fists, my nails cutting into my palms. In a fit, I slammed the door to the room shut, nearly breaking it off its hinges. I stormed over to the only window in the room, gripping the slide and shoving it up, cracking the glass. Microscopic pieces showered down, slicing me gently, leaving thin trails of red on my quivering hands. I was going to explode; perhaps this was the Shifter side of me itching to come out. I looked down from the window, calculating how far down it was to the ground. I was at least four stories up, but if I was indestructible, it wouldn't hurt me right? Only one way to find out. I slipped out of the window and let myself fall. It was only a matter of seconds before my feet found solid ground; I had landed in a slightly crouched position, poised to strike or run, light as a feather. I looked around for anyone, and seeing none, I took off into the forest that surrounded the mansion. I didn't see the pine or willow trees as I passed them, but my mind seemed to weave through them easily. I dashed through the woods, letting my anger get the better of me. There was an uncomfortable lurch in my body, movement and changing of bones as I ran. Before I knew it, I was pounding paws into the leafy soil beneath me.
My senses heightened, experiencing everything in greater detail. I could hear faint, but clear voices from the mansion, faint footsteps of a stray hiker, a creek flowing angrily nearby. I could smell the strong pine trees, the dead leaves mixing with the lush dirt, forest critters of rabbit, squirrel, and bird. I skidded to a halt, lifting up a cloud of dirt and leaves, and shoved the massive paws into the ground; I felt every single grain and tiny rock of the land. I sighed, the breath coming out like a growl. I didn't even know what I was yet. I pawed over to the small river, and looked at my reflection.
I was massive in size, dark and vicious looking, dangerous. My fur was black as midnight, my eyes a frightening glowing blood red. I grinned, revealing a set of inch and a half long teeth, sharp as daggers. I was a wolf, I assumed since Ansel was one. When I stopped my foolish smile, two longer teeth settled on my bottom lip. I sat back on my haunches and stretched out, digging my black claws into the dirt. My ears twitched, flicking about with the new sounds. There was a snap of a twig not far off.
I spun around, looking for whoever disturbed my peace of the moment. There was a swift shadow among the trees, dark and eerie. I crouched low to the ground, waiting to pounce if need be. A growl emanated from the thick brush. I returned the gesture and a black wolf emerged. Yellow eyes looked me over.
“Well didn't you turn out to be a beauty,” A recognizable voice chuckled. There was a wicked display of teeth much like mine. “Perhaps Kai was right to take you away.” I snarled, slightly backing up from the beast. “What was your name, my dear? I've been dieing to know since he took you away.” His grin never faded, but that didn't phase me. I rose on my hackles. “Ah don't be afraid of me, love.”
“Why shouldn't I be? You stomached half of me not four days ago.” I glared at him, feeling anger rising in my chest.
Ansel sighed, and transformed. His size shrank down and in the wolf's place stood a teenager, not yet eighteen. His brown hair was cropped short and tousled, hanging an inch above his still yellow eyes. He had a strong build. He looked at me with seemingly harmless eyes. “Does this make you feel any better?”
“No,” I snapped, not relaxing from my poised position.
“I promise. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you now.” He raised his arms, giving the signal that he meant no harm.
I snorted. “You tried to kill me. I'm not going to trust you.” I lowered my crouch, ready to tear him into shreds.
“You're not in a good place, Little Miss Italy. The Society is not the place for people like us. You are not some tool. You should be free like the rest of us.”
I bared my teeth as I walked up to him, my paws sending thuds reverberating within the ground. I lowered my head so I could look him straight in the eye. I let out a growl, my breath waving Ansel's hair. I could sense the fear rising within him; he knew I was stronger than him, and that I could do so much more damage to him than he ever did to me. “Let me make this very clear to you, Ansel. I am not part of you or what you are part of. There is no 'us', only me, then there is you. What I choose to do is my business, not yours. You will stay out of my life, no matter what happens to me. You may feel responsible for this, but you will have no part of me any more. I don't ever want to see you again. Is that understood?” He swallowed, his Adam's apple quivering in fear. I narrowed my eyes. “Good,” I finished with a malicious growl. “Now get out of here before I rip your head off.” With that, he took off, Shifting mid-stride.
I was intensely proud at the fact that I had just scared the living daylights out of someone whom I had feared not too long ago. I chuckled, the sound coming out as an amused growl. I licked my muzzle, feeling my stomach grumble hungrily. I took off in the same direction Ansel went, but I was being drawn by the scent of an herbivore not two miles away. I sensed I was close; the pleasant aroma grew stronger. I slowed my pace, lowering myself to the ground upon seeing three massive elk. My mouth watered. One rose its head, ears flicking around, listening. He looked the meatiest, so I chose him as my kill. I inched closer to him, making my way around trees and bushes, remaining undetected by his ever watchful eye. I crouched when I was not seven feet from him, and lunged. I sunk my massive jaws into the back of his neck, gripping the rest of the animal with my claws. The two others saw the sight and ran for their lives. The buck thrashed about, trying to bury his massive rack into me as he let out a distressed call. I wasn't going to let him get away, not when I was this hungry. I ripped through his muscles, blood rushing onto the damp ground of the forest. I viciously embedded my teeth into his neck until I could feel his spinal cord. I jerked my head, snapping it. The body fell to the ground, moving no more. I licked my teeth from the warm blood, and dug in. I tore through the pelt, seeking the meat and finding it quickly. I relished in the exquisite taste of the animal, eating every last ounce of muscle I could find in the big body. I lapped up the blood on my muzzle, feeling very content with my kill.
With a full belly, I strolled back to the river to wash off my fur. The water was cool against the fire that washed through me. Determining that I had ridden myself of my anger, I stepped out of the ravine and trotted back to the mansion. It wasn't difficult finding my way back; I just followed my nose. I approached the massive house, and Shifted back to my human state. I looked upon myself, amazed at the fact that nothing had changed. I made my way to my window, and jumped, catching the open window sill and heaving myself into the room. I turned to close the window.
“Terra.” The voice nearly made me jump out of my own skin.
I turned and smiled sheepishly. “Kai.”
“Where were you?” He sounded angry with me as his arms folded over his chest.
“Feeding myself,” I answered simply, taking a step toward my bed.
He rose an eyebrow. “You have a taste for wildlife?”
I shrugged. “More or less. I had a good kill, so I'm not complaining.”
“You weren't supposed to leave the mansion,” Kai growled, which startled me. Isn't he a human? Well, he hasn't said as such, or otherwise.
“Oh I'm sorry. I don't listen to you, or anybody else here as a matter of fact. I will do whatever I please, without being hounded by you or any other figure of 'authority',” I retorted, my temper already flaring. Does he do anything else besides boil my blood?
There was a flash of shadow in his eyes. The room seemed to grow darker with his own anger. “You will do everything I tell you to, no questions asked. You are in danger, Terra, but you just don't know it. There are things out there that will kill you if they get the chance. Don't you get it? I'm trying to protect you.” He spoke through his teeth with an irritated tone. I noticed fangs and felt the blood drain from my face. He sighed, shaking his head. “I forget. There is much you do not quite know. Forgive me for my rudeness.”
I snorted. “Get out of my room. You do nothing but enrage me.”
“This all must be difficult for you to comprehend. You did wake only a few hours ago. It's all so much.”
“I said get out,” I snarled, baring fangs.
Kai raised his hands in surrender, and headed towards the door. He paused in the doorway, looking back at me. “I'm sorry.” He said nothing more, and vanished into the hallway.
I bit my lip to prevent myself from screaming highly unpleasant words in Italian. With an agitated sigh, I collapsed face down on the bed. I felt exhausted; too many events happening in one day. I bit down on the feather pillows so I wouldn't hurt anything. Welcome home, Terra.
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Haiiii! Okay so my first comment is that you need to fix the bold on the first section. It shouldn't be hard to do, just go on edit work and take it off, it's probably some coding gone slightly wrong, or you had it like that when you copy and pasted, in which case simply use the 'body' and 'b' buttons. If you go down to the end of this review and look at the section on readability, this comment should be easier to understand.
With that said, let's start reading!
Specifics
1.
2. The repetition of dark and darkness makes the text very bland. Maybe replace dark with black?
3. There's a few spelling errors and typos. You'll need to run a spell check or get someone else to go through with a red marker pen.
The prologue/ introduction
This felt unrealistic to me. Not in the sense of it being fantasy, I love fantasy, but there wasn't enough description about the pain or the attack to make it feel real. To make us afraid, to make us wonder what's going on or fear for this person's life. To make us believe she was actually in any danger. It's already risky territory to start with a scene where someone is being attacked by a werewolf because half your reader-base will go 'Oh no, that sort of novel' and put it down. I'd be amongst them if this was a published book, but I'm here to help so I'll stay and try to advise you.
One thing that would help is if you show us the girl's fear and open a door so we can get inside her head. This wolf is ripping her to pieces, she should be very afraid and what is she thinking about? What are, essentially, her dying thoughts? Can she feel his saliva wet and sticky against her neck as he bends over her body? Does he smell like wet dog? Does she bite down on her tongue and taste the copper of her own blood inside her mouth and scream and wonder crazily if that's what she tastes like as the pain starts to numb away. As she starts to distance from the pain and it feels good and she doesn't even feel anymore?
I want this scene to feel so real that the reader gets chills on the back of their spine.
4. Wait, she'd know his eyes anywhere, despite only seeing them once and then as she was dying? If so, I need you to go back to that first section and describe his eyes to us. In detail. I want to see her transfixed by them and fixing them to memory so that when she says she recognises those eyes, we believe her.
Telling vs Showing
There are some sentences here where you tell us information, instead of showing I to us. That breaks the flow of the story and you need to avoid it. A good example is here:
[QuoteI was paralyzed for a moment as this happened.[/Quote]
This would be much more effective I we could hear hr voice, hear her thoughts. For example:
I couldn't move! Why couldn't I move, one moment I felt he prick of the syringe and then nothing, no movements, only thoughts ad those were getting dimmer and dimmer. My head felt fuzzy. I- I had been paralysed and the room was falling in. Or I was falling. Everything was falling into black.
Just a quick example of course but you need to catch the reader's attention and show them who this person is, how she thinks and how she feels. It's important to build that connection between the character and reader as early as yo can.
5. Okay so they know what she is, why aren't they prepared? Why do they not have silver chains to hold her and all the things you need to keep a werewolf under control? This is feeling too unrealistic and not challenging enough. I also don't understand why Terra hasn't had thoughts of home yet or her family. We know nothing about her and I'm finding it hard to like someone I don't know.
6. If Kai has this control over her, why does he not use it earlier? Feels like a plot hole to me.
7. This is not the kind of thing your readers want to see. First you dump hr whole description into one big paragraph and then it's all about how beautiful she is. Unless you want us to hate her, just describe how she looks and let us decide if we think she's beautiful. I personally wouldn't because I don't like it when people with brown hair streak their hair blonde or vice versa, I don't find red eyes attractive and pale skin is just... no. That's really not my idea of beauty. Your character just comes across as vain and self serving, which only works if you present it in a humorous or satirical away.
Terra
I don't understand why she isn't trying to escape if she's so mad and so powerful. He uses his voice trick on her once and just like that she forgets about all this power. Also, I might as well say it: I don't like Terra. I was still deciding before but now you've turned her into an all powerful superhuman, I don't like her. That's too much power for any one character to start with. If they acquire more power throughout the novel then fine but at the beginning, it's too much and it makes her what we call a 'Mary Sue'. She's automatically rendered dull because she's near enough indestructible and we'll not have to fear for her life, even if we wanted to.
Thoughts
I'm starting to think I may cut this review short. I'll still read it all but I'm not going to comment on every part of the plot I dislike anymore: it's clearly not my kind of writing and it won't help you in the slightest for me to keep saying 'I don't like this', 'don't do hat'. Instead I'll try to give you a few more general thoughts.
Description
This is what you're good at. You've got a pretty strong grasp on atmosphere and how to build up scenes. A few more details would be nice and some stronger visuals on the settings, like the training room and stuff, but in general I like your descriptions.
Characterisation
You characters need flaws. It's what makes readers hope for them, fear for them, relate to them. I can't connect with or understand your characters because they're too super human and they have no negatives. They're not ugly or afraid or lonely. There's just nothing here that works for me, how can I appreciate their strengths if they have no flaws?
Plot
It's not bad but it isn't interesting enough to hold my attention. I'm a few chapters in and already I want to abandon ship. That's not so good. There isn't enough conflict to make me care and it seems far too much like the typical 'save the world' plot. Here, have some super powers and defend us please.
The Forbidden
Okay so there are too many characters and names to throw at us at once. Just describe it as there being a group and then choose two or three to introduce to us in greater detail. Never introduce more than four characters at a time if you can help it. Also these guys are less powerful than the one she just took down? I have already lost all interest in them.
Overall
I think I actually will stop reading now, it seems to me that this isn't working. That's not a bad thing, you should see my early stories, they didn't work either. What you need to do though is keep on writing because that's how we all get better. You've got good descriptions and a nice, easy going tone but what you need to work on now is characterisation and plot. You need to start small and then work up to he bigger stuff: start with a human character, an ordinary person and work out how you make an audience like her. Because it's that humanity you have to always find in your characters, no matter who or what they might be.
Readability
There are a couple of things which make this difficult to read and that might be why you don't have many reviews. The first is obviously length. I don't mind looking at a long piece but other members prefer to read in bite sized chunks. This could quite easily be divided into ten or so sections and then posted as 'The Experiment Part One'; 'The Experiment Part Two' etc. It would just make it that little bit more accessible.
The second is font. When you copy and paste YWS has a bit of a fit, because it's silly like that. If you click the 'Edit Work' button, then scroll down to the text box, you'll see a little bar that looks like this:
Then click the body button, then font. It takes some tinkering with as I don't quite understand how it works, but try those buttons and it should hopefully fix the issue.
Third and finally, you should miss a line every time you start dialogue. Your paragraphs look very clumpy because they're all squished together, but if you have that extra space for dialogue each time, it makes it so much easier to read!
Over and out, feel free to send me a pm if you have any questions,
Heather xxx
Wicked