Young Writers Society

Hey there,

Although the petals of this poem brush the line of cliche, I think that you did a fairly nice job in here. For once, it was pretty beautiful, flowed well, and kept my interest to the end.

I don't like the "alas" on the end -- it makes the poem seem like this was a hurried ending, and I think you should step back, take a moment to construct a better ending for this, because as it stands, it's rather weak. For all of the building up that was done, this doesn't do it justice.

Keep writing, and thumbs up for you,

June

Hi
thanks so much for the reviews; I see that I still have a lot to improve. I have found that I'm not being descriptive enough in my poems. I think it cause since I know the meaning behind every word, the reader will too

Basically this part right here

until there are no traces of
of the love so lost;
of his eyes of almond hue,
and his words of velvet lies

Hello.

I want to preface this by saying I really like it. It's got a sort of whimsical quality to it, and I'm a sort of whimsical person. So nice!

Most of the gripes I would have had on it were taken care of by Fixed. Really, I'd just got back and check on the punctuation. There's one part where there's no period, and then a capitalization:

enslave me in the sweet insanity
of your eyes true reflection
Engrave your body in my soul

Hi. The name's Fixed.

First of all, I thought your poem was very heartfelt, but overly dramatic.

There were too many... abusively lovestruck phrases used here. Sorry to be so outright, but.. that's what I got out of this!

Your poem needs better flow. I found myself skimming over this, so I could get on with the review. The purpose of writing is to pull the reader in, to voice your opinion in such a way that it opens up the reader's eyes and shows them what you're feeling. I didn't get this when reading your poem. The following review will *I hope* help with this and envelop me in a state of romantic fury. Don't take this wrongly, if I sound harsh... I won't apologize, you will be a LOT better. I hope. XD

angel23 wrote:Thief of Roses

angel23 wrote:cone me into your #FF0000 ">wings of
night; and kiss me into silence
with #008000 ">your lips of sweet justice

angel23 wrote:until
becoming the muse of my obsession;
enslave me in the sweet insanity
of your eyes true reflection

angel23 wrote:Engrave your body in my soul
until there are no traces of
of the love so lost;

angel23 wrote:of his eyes of almond hue,
and his words of velvet lies

angel23 wrote:Thief of Roses, my thief of love

angel23 wrote:make me a rose of your garden,
of your garden, alas…

All right, I'm not a huge fan of romantic poetry, so I'll be honest: this didn't particularly wow me. It had some okay moments, but the whole head–over–heels/infatuation beyond belief tone was rather difficult to believe. Cliches especially suffocated it.

Confusing moments abounded, too. (The use of the word "cone", though an interesting word choice, didn't quite work). The lover's physical description was a little murky. Why did he have wings? Is he an angelic creature? The Thief of Roses theme suffered a bit, too. Some more clarity about it would help. Why does he lie? Why does the narrator care so much about him? Also, towards the end, you briefly switch from addressing the lover personally to describing him as if he wasn't there. Ellipses are not to be recommended, either.

I'm sorry to be so tough, but I still think it has potential.

See you around.

–antimelrose