Teach her to love
the things she does;
to think of what she's
done and not long for
what she's yet to do
For young heart
has sought so much,
that ambition now
fills this soul; soul
which needed not a
trophie nor a gown
of white to her diploma
adorn
Yes, she knew to love
the things she did
but young heart stopped
believing, and relied on
her eyes solely
to remind it of why
it was still beating.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with KAH; this poem ended on a very strong note, which was great. However, I did have to force myself to read this poem through. Part of this is due to the line breaks, and the rest to grammatical/spelling errors.
As far as the line breaks go, I think they could be better placed. Right now, there's no apparent reason for them being placed where they are right now, and I found that their current placement disrupted the flow. There's a pause at the end of lines -- less than a comma, but still a slight pause -- as the reader reaches the end of the line and jumps to the start of the next, and those pauses broke up the poem and the flow of words. I suggest playing around a bit more with the line breaks and seeing if you can find a better combination.
Now, onto the grammar and spelling. "Trophy" is spelled with a "y" and not an "ie". Your punctuation was decent, though there were a couple missing/misplaced commas. Also, some lines just did not make sense. You seem to use "young heart" as a name, but this isn't obvious at first read-through. Also, in the last stanza, you seemingly refer to "young heart" as both "she" and "it". It's confusing, and I suggest you fix this.
Overall, though, this wasn't a bad poem. I liked the simplicity and straightforwardness, and all it really needs are some minor fixes.
Hi angel23!
The last line really, really is what made the poem astonishing for me! It is a really good poem in general. But the last line is amazing! I think the last line of a chapter, book, and poem is what everyone remembers and looks at the most. I like the ending line to have the most feeling and sum the whole thing up, and that is what your end line did. But it also made me think, which I also look for in good ending lines! Wonderful poem, keep writing!
-KAH <3