As I walked on the road,
I saw more and more people the more I strode
On that beautiful night of the fair,
I smelled the scent of fun in the air.
I then sat on a blue bench, eating alone,
keeping watch of the people I've known.
The smell of people making new memories,
people adding to their stories.
I could smell it, but not feel it.
I was clawing for it from the bottom of a deep pit.
then I continued to stride,
remembering all those times I've cried.
Both the best and the worst of times I remembered
while inside I dismembered
parts of my brain that made me glad.
Although no one had.
On that night
I realized I wasn't alright.
I was so lonely.
I wanted to live, but only barely.
The feeling I had was grim
and I realized my drink was still to the brim;
then I paced back and forth from the hallway's ends
knowing that I had no friends.
With each sip, I felt myself slip away,
I could feel my brain decay.
Before I knew it, I went wild.
The drink had turned my brain to that of a child.
Words I could not say;
The night sky turned to day.
As of now, the rest was just a blur.
Everything I said were things I could only infer,
and on this hospital bed,
I know that soon I'll be dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Thanks for sharing. The first person singular POV is a good choice since it provides insight into the speaker's emotions. The rap-like rhythm and rime scheme did not detract from the message although it does lead the reader to imagine the speaker as belonging to a certain subculture. The ending was a master stroke! A great lesson to those who think that getting intoxicated is cool and that the consequences cannot be grave. [pun intended] Excellent description of how the mind begins to infer things which it would never infer if sober. It also leads to a sense of invulnerability which provokes risk-taking.
The mention of the bench as blue, can be understood as the speaker having hopes of a new horizon of opportunities. Brings to mind the song: Beyond the Blue Horizon.
Suggestions:
The mood could have been enhanced by using other symbols in addition to the bench.
On that beautiful night of the fair, [How was it beautiful?]
I smelled the scent of fun in the air. [Describe the scent]
The smell of people making new memories, [Describe the smell]
The word “people” is repeated three times too close together.
Thanks for the review. I'm happy you were able to receive it well! The points you suggested were able to make me realize that I could've been able to immerse the reader more. I'll definitely think about these suggestions next time.
Hey there, and thank you for sharing your poem! Bear with me for a review!
Overall, I love this poem. It's definitely sad, and I would really like to say that if this reflects the author's feelings, please know you are never alone. But anyway, I definitely enjoyed your poem.
My suggestions:
The use of "more" in the second line, in my opinion, is overused and throws it off.
I don't think using smell in this way helps with the message. For me, it just confused me a bit.
For the last line here, did you mean that the person couldn't find memories that made them glad? It's unclear to me, and I feel like it would be helpful to clarify that statement a bit.
My last suggestion is on your rhyme scheme. Sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you don't, normally aa bb scheme, but sometimes a random line gets thrown in with no rhyme... and even though poetry can be created in any way, I just feel like this throws the flow off. Overall, the flow and rhyming sometimes feels forced, but only slightly. The story is still told clearly, and by the end, I honestly felt sad for this person. Nobody should ever feel that alone... You did an amazing job telling a truly sad story through a poem. I look forward to reading more of your fantastic poetry!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Hi! Thanks for commenting. For that one line you were talking about, I was trying to make it seem like no one was able to make the person happy, but I wasn't able to convey that message clearly. About your next question, my poem's format kind of got messed up a bit because of posting it, so it probably didn't look like it rhymed. Again, thanks for commenting on it!
Legacy here for a review.
Here's some basic and overall tips about your poem
Okay, so I like the concept of your poem. But I dislike the formatting personally. Your poem blurs together because of the fact that you have it as one stanza. A good tip in general is that if you change the topic (not the main one, but starting to make another point), then a stanza break is recommended.
It also seems that sometimes the rhyming was forced (more towards the beginning). Rhyming is totally a good thing to have in poetry, but it looses it's power when it feels forced.
Now it's time for some grammar
"I've known" would make more sense as "I knew" (yes it would break your rhyming so if you want to keep your scheme then you might want to reword)
"I then" makes more sense to me as "Then I" but it's fine if you leave it the way you have it.
Now it's time for one last nitpick before I go
I don't understand how the character is pacing in a hallway when nowhere before then is a hallway mentioned (they are at a fair right?)
Hopefully this has helped. Legacy out.
Thanks for commenting! Yeah, the person is at a fair, and I probably should've described it better. It's actually in a school, and the bench was in a hallway, but I should've added that detail within the first few stanzas. My poem actually had a format, but it got messed up because of posting it here, but I'll try to find a way to fix that next time. Thanks again for the comment!
You're welcome. What I do for stanza breaks is use dash marks since the way the publishing center does something weird for stanza breaks. You can see what I mean if you look at one of my works.