hg

by andimlovegalore

Published December 18, 2008

g

Comments & reviews · 1
User avatar
Clo
Review
Clo wrote a review Review · Dec 18, 2008

Lovey! I haven't seen much of you around. I'm so glad you're back!

I can throw back tequila like it’s the end of the world
salt burn bitter on the back of my tongue.

I don't really like the salt "burn" bitter bit, I feel it should be "burns", since burn makes it sound too simplistic and off.

Spinning through the night like
candles in the dark, pulling me into corners,
brimming with brilliance,

The brimming with brilliance line disrupts the flow I felt was going on. I wish it wasn't there. But the rest of this stanza is lovely - I love the "I move in broken cartwheels line"!

My legs burn with high heel madness,
lights merge to one light, blinding and
deep and endless, I could throw myself
into it, a sea of orange street light and
bitter taste in my throat. It is
drink to get drunk, it is
release from my neurosis, I am
emerged in light, over my head and
peaceful.

This is my favorite stanza. :) It's very apt. I think some of the descriptions could be cut out, to create a more concise poem, like weeding out the lines "bitter taste in my throat", or "blinding and deep and endless", but this is all up to you.

Morning smacks me, heart beat is broken.
I carry myself with shaking fingers;
wait for the day to end.

I like the "morning smacks me" line - very nice! And true, but a heart beat being broken sounds funny.

This is an amazing poem, Lovey! I especially like the end of the world simile - tequila is so awful, I couldn't touch it again unless the end of the world was coming. And the imagery is very relatable and vivid, though some of it could perhaps be weeded out so the poem strikes a little harder, but I don't have many complaints. I understand the point perfectly, and adore some of the lines you have in here. :)

PM me for anything.

~ Clo



seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight