The U.S.A.

Hullo! Aqua here to review!

Like all of your poems, I can see that you're really into this, and this is a mirror of your own thoughts.

I commend you for the crazy good message and all the realistic qualities in here.

And...your rhyming is perfect as always.

Okay, negatives.

Like many of your poems, you are lacking STRUCTURE.

It's a basic thing, really, that adds to the beauty of a piece. Punctuation too. And you write capital letters in places that are sometimes not nessecary.

Corrected:

Where am I in this world,
Of mixed-up human beings,
Butterflies never unfurled,
Fairies who never grow wings.

How do I belong to this earth?
Filled with confusing thoughts?
That pregnant minds never birth,
Instead sit in the corner to rot.

This is not the right place,
For me or you or the planet,
Or really for the human race,
Stuck to earth like granite.

All around me I see them,
Sneakily divising new plans,
Growing a flower missing its stem,
Blaming in on the innocent clans.

These souls so powerless,
We must build the foundation,
Or we will all be flower-less,
In this fucked up nation.

We are all a part
Of this community,
Whether we make the art,
Or construct false unity.
Each mistake that we made,
Blame it on one another,
It makes the error fade,
Though it hurts our brother.

We don't know equality,
We are clueless to truth,
All we know is quantity,
And corrupting our youth.

We know no justice,
We feel no empathy,
Don't see this solstice,
Don't feel its sympathy.

This universe holds,
Much more than we make,
Nothing it withholds,
We just can't see through our fake.

Facades we've created,
Just for each other,
For the people we've hated,
Because we "love one another".

Help me find a haven,
Protected from these lies,
Only seen by the raven,
When up above he flies.

Help our planet survive,
And our society be fair,
Keep it well and alive,
Don't you all even care?

Preaching we're equal,
Yet feeding separation ,
Searching for a sequel,
To our strange evolution.

We will never understand,
If we do not share love,
Never feel this land,
Nor the sky above.

This poem is really good and you obviously formatted it for the 4 line stanza scheme but for some reason, you didn't do it...

But...again...really good, love your poems, so realistic, and keep writing!

That was... depressing. I guess that was the point, though. So...good job? I'm here to be of service to you on this lovely review day!


My first suggestion would be this- stanzas. Make them. Approaching this, I was a little daunted by the huge word block. It wasn't the length that was the problem- the block itself just doesn't work. There are a lot of places in the poem where you could put a convient indent- you sepezrate a lot of subjects in this poem, after all. Stanzas just make things easier on the eye and more pleasant to read.

Second suggestion? Commas. Although Poems are excused from most literary rules and all that, poems of certain forms should still take certain literary measures. In your case, I wouldn't over puncuate- it may take away from the flow of things- but add a comma in when listing things, or a period at the end of the subject! It'll make things a lot easier on the reader- note that long Poem's like Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Raven's has punctuation, while short poems sometimes skimpy out. There's a reason for that!

I complimant you on your passion- it's clearly felt through the poem. The rhyme scheme was mostly in-rythm- making it very pleasant to read if reading aloud. I'd double check spelling- I think 'despise' was spelled wrong in there someplace.

Overall, good luck and good work!