Not Fade Away

Hello there!

I really liked this poem. You have a great use of imagery and words here, and it seems to work so well to make such a beautiful poem. The only part I wasn't sure fit too much was the last line, "not fade away". I know this is the part which matches to the title and gives the whole poem a rounded feel... but in comparison to the rest of the poem, I felt like it lacked in descriptiveness. I think you should make it more creative, more beautiful, so it matches the rest of your poem. I think you could even cut out that line.

I quite liked this whole, but if you want to get it back to it's original state, just do shift and enter. Then you should only get one gap in between in space.

My soul whispers this one desperate plea

One of the best things that I noticed about this poem is how well your thoughts flow together and fit, and smoothly transition from one to the next. There were two places were that feeling was interrupted. First, “the strands have begun to unravel.” It’s unclear what the “strands” are, and since I don’t know what they’re referring to, it feels like an abrupt topic change from the last line. Second, when you introduce the “you.” In the first couple of lines the “you” is that understood subject that doesn’t really feel like “you.” When you actually use the word it feels like you are shifting who the poem is addressed to.

Compared with the rest of the poem, the last line is incredibly weak. It seems to come out of nowhere, it’s vague, it’s fragmented; maybe you were trying to connect back to the first line… “Help me not bleed into…” “…not fade away.” If I can just assume that’s what you intended, if you want people to clearly see the connection, I would either change the punctuation of the two to match, or add “help me” to the last line.
For example, #1 ,2 “Help me… / not bleed into the distance of time and space and”
#22 “…not fade away.”
Or, #22 “Help me not fade away.”
These are just suggestions, possible ways you could make it clearer. You know what you want for this piece and what you intended with those lines. I really want to see a stronger conclusion.

My two favorite parts: “Death’s
wormwood lips close over mine
and the breath of ice creeps into
the slurred gush of my blood.”

“My Consciousness
shatters into a thousand slivers
and the wind scatters my
final cry through the yawning schism.”
I love the word schism. Both of these images are incredibly tangible.

One last small comment. "Linger my last moments." Something about that line doesn't quite work. Either it's written in the passive, someone is "lingering" your last moments...and we just wouldn't say it like that, so people will double-take. Or, it's "my last moments linger" in inverted order, in which case this is the only case of inverted word order and is out of place.

Very interesting poem indeed. I love how you convey the image of death. Your imagery is amazing. Your words are definatly powerful and leave the reader feeling the emotion. Your use of vocabulary is also outstanding. I can't find anything wrong with this piece. Great job and keep up the great work!