Shadows persuading me to take their side
But I'm not sure; I need some signs
Everyday I can't decide
Should I go on,
Or finally end my life?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Short but impactful. How I love poetry that says so much with so little. Previous reviews attacked the grammatical issues, so I'm not going to waste my time on that.
Because your poem is so short, it needs a little something that lingers in my mind after I'm done reading it. maybe it's just one more word, or one thought that could push this poem over the edge for me. It leaves me wanting, just a little bit more to chew on. Or even a title that begs me to read it again, shortness doesn't necessarily mean it's not expressive enough. It doesn't need a beginning, or a long drawn out explaination, it just needs a wow factor. Something that hits you right between the eyes and there it is. And people remember it because it drew an emotion out of them that is raw an unfiltered. My poetry looked like this at 13 though, I wrote a lot about suicide and death, I still do somewhat but what made the difference was when I started letting people into my soul with my writing. Kudos to you though because most people your age do not know anything about poetry, when most of the time they write to rhyme and that bothers me. If it rhymes, then great but I can tell u put some thought into this, and well I feel like it just needs a bit of your heart and it will be great. There is a certain amount of trust that a writer has with its reader. And you explained the shadows represented sadness in one of your replies, I want to feel that. I want your poem to pull that emotion from deep within my soul. I know it was there when you wrote it, but it seems to be hiding behind a wall of ambiguity. So give me, that something, pull it out of yourself, I know you can do it! And definitely keep writing. You have a gift, develop it and treasure it. And I can already tell u take corrective criticism well, which is sometimes hard for even the most experienced of writers. I hope you understand my critique is meant only to help, and help you hone in on your talent!!!!
oh my thank you so much, this means so much to me. i really appreciate all that.
Hey there.
Short but expressive, I like it.
Well its just a feeling a person is going through, right so, if someone is on the verge of ending his or her life, there has to be a huge reason behind it. Shadows here, did and did not explain it at the same time.
I'd really like it if you use this as a skeleton to plot a story or compose a poem. You could work with titles, though.
But I really thought it was great.
Keep writing and keep smiling xoxo
thank you so much, that was wonderful advice.
This is a good simple but I find it short like you directly went straight down to the end. I wanted to know how this is all started like where is the beginning of the poem. But I like the part:
"Shadows persuading me to take their side"
Sounded like a demon is forcing the persona to choose their side. Because what I know the meaning of the shadow, its dark and it has fear to it.
The poem is good but I think you went to fast that it made me think that probably the person is just dreaming or something. So yeah but overall its a good simple piece
Thank you so much and I know it looked way to short, I should have had a beginning. I will keep your advice in mind.
this piece if beautiful. the dilemma is well portrayed. i liked your style of presentation as an inverted triangle slightly tapering at the bast, i guess that is quite symbolic of your taking a decision step but step, which again creates a new confusion.
now coming to my nitpicking...
"Shadows persuading me to take their side"- this line is really good but i feel that in place of going by their side you could hide behind it . that would give some darker sense.
"Or let go of my life."- this part confused me to some extent- you see "let go of my life" can be taken in a variety of sense- do you want your life to steer you when you can no longer overpower it, or is that suicidal?
i like your poem quite a lot.i would be looking forward to more of your works.
keep writing
Rituparna
Thank you very much and I do understand why it sounded confusing for the "Or let go of my life" I was actually thinking of changing it to "Or just end my life" because in my head I wanted the 'shadows' to represent some sort of sadness trying to take over me. I didn't portray it that well and will take your criticism to mind. Again, thank you very much.
Hiya!
Ooh, nice poem. I'm going to critique it line by line, then sum up everything.
Okie dokie, here we go.
Good sense of imagery! I can totally picture the "shadows" looming around, even though you have hardly described anything. However, I'm a little befuddled. What are the "shadows"? Are they actually shadows, or are they ghosts? Spirits? Shadows of ghosts? (I'm assuming it is ghosts- it's life/death poem...) It could be anything, really. If you're going for more of a broad, general poem, you could keep it, but if you would like to enhance it more, maybe stick a line before it describing what they look like, or what these "shadows" are.
Hmm... Is this supposed to be seperate a by a semi colon or comma? (So it would be: But I'm not sure; I need some signs) or is it one whole line? Just wondering, because it doesn't make clear sense in my mind.
This one is fine, to me.
First: I would change the period at the end to a question, it's more of a question line. And the comma seems a little too settle, too calm for this line as well. And question mark will spark up the mood. Overall, this was a good line though! Loved it.
All righty! So, in a nutshell, it was such a meaningful, heart shredding piece but short at the same time. Those cut-to-the-chase kind of poems.
Great job, I hope to see more from you!
~ EternalRain
Thank you very much for this thoughtful and specific review, it really helps me to understand what I can improve for my next piece. First, I wanted shadows to represent a sort of dark sadness trying to take over me.For the second line, I wasn't sure of the correct punctuation but now that you cleared up for me, thank you. For the last line, I will take that into consideration, I actually like that idea. Thank you so much for this informing review.