It was 4:00 in the morning, she had a massive headache. She was was in her old fashioned room in her old fashioned home. There was glass shattered every where, she rose from the floor and saw wine bottles everywhere, unopened. She touched her head. Trying to relieve her head ache, she walked to the kitchen. It was dark, cold and quiet. She looked around, she saw people she didn't know on the floor, along with shattered glass. She kept walking around the house in terror of what she might see next.
She heard silence, but it scared her because the quiet tells the truth, she was alone. Not literally but in her own state of mind. She started to have flash backs…
She remembered opening wine bottles and pouring wine into a small wine glass, she remembered the rich purple color of the wine, The brand name Royal’s wine, she now remembered that she was alone when she was alone when she was pouring the wine. Then how did all of these people get in my house? Wait, I remember something!
Earlier that evening she remembered pouring a little too much wine into her glass and she remembered that she ended up drinking the whole bottle and dropping it to the floor. Her heart was pounding, her hands were shaking and she started the early signs of a headache. She remembers going to lay on her red satin couch, and laying down. But how did i end up in my room? Wait,I remember, um, no i cant even remember the last time I was sober. Oh my god, did i drink too much and I died. Hang on Mila, don’t make up scenerios in your head. but i do want to know why everything is dark, cold and i don’t hear any thing. She tried to pick up her phone to see if it had any battery life. She coulden’t seem to get a grasp on it, she looked down and saw that her hand was going through it. She backed away from the phone and she knew, she couldn't be sober ever again.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hey there.
Welcome to YWS ^.^
I really liked this...it's pretty haunting.
I would review this, but I see you're not interested in critique ^.^
Which, I'll just say...when someone critiques your work, it's certainly not someone trying to be rude.
Rather, just to help you improve your story; I personally love critique on my work.
I like to know what my readers want to feel.
I want to know the parts that draw them in, and the parts that are slow.
I also love it when they correct me on grammar/punctuation/spelling if I missed a part of that..Idk, I'm OCD
If you should change your mind on critique, I'd be glad to critique your work for you ^.^
Peace out! ^.^
Thanks!
Thanks guys
But this is only my first story
1. I know mistakes were made especially using the same word twice
2. Flite- a very lengthy review...
3- if I need help I'll ask for it:)
Hi, amytheghost3 - nice to meet you! Welcome to YWS.
I wasn't expecting it...
I'm BellaRoma, and I'm going to review this to get it out of the green room for you.
First of all, let me say that I do like P!nk's music. 'Sober' is a great song, though not my favourite. Throughout this, I can see where you have referenced the lyrics. Also, I'm wondering if the events are loosely based on the music video. Just that there are some parallels drawn here.
I just love it when music directly inspires someone - the results can be amazing. This was a very chilling/haunting piece, so I'll say that this was one of those times.
The ending was good. Pretty emotional.
Okay, onto a couple of little nitpicks...
"Every where" is all only one word, so change it to "everywhere".
Here, you accidentally put "was" twice. The main thing I noticed was the redundancy of "old fashioned" because you've used it twice in the same sentence. Try and think of another adjective for the house or room, even just something along the same sort of lines.
I think that the pronouns might also be a little bit confusing for readers. In the beginning, you tell it from the third person ("she"), and then you tell us what she's thinking with the first person ("I"). Technically, that's all well and good, so long as the thoughts are separated out from the main narrative. Start a new line when you do a thought, and think about using single quotation marks/inverted commas around them. It's just for clarity and easier flow of writing.
Other than that, I don't have much else to say. Keep up the good writing, and let me know if you want help with something.
Hey Amy, Flite here for a review. I'm not going to say much due to the length of your short, though one thing I will mention before I start is that, what song inspired this? Just out of personal curiosity. I liked the emotions you've displayed here, though the story really was too short to get a good taste of anything.
I'm going to get the technical nitpicks over and done with.
You've doubled the 'was' in that sentence, and I suppose that 'old fashioned' was intentionally repeated. I usually don't recommend doing this but it seems to me that you're opting for that sort of tone so I will leave it alone. Just as a general note, it's best to vary your word choices in a sentence. Same goes with sentence length here, I noticed that you have a lot of medium - long sentences.
Whoa, ok, hold your horses girl. We know that she was in her room and in her home, but all of a sudden you tell us there are broken glass and unknown people. Isn't that jumping the gun a bit? The sentence there is contradictory there, if there's broken glass then why would there be unbroken wine bottles? Because this is only a short, you need to zone into your character as much as possible. Give us the intimate details, how does she feel to be waking up and seeing this? There isn't much description in this piece and as a short, we need those descriptions to make this prose come alive.
She heard silence? You're going to have to be more specific than that, how can she hear silence? What sort of silence is it? If you're going along the lines of 'silence is deafening' then you need show us that sort of silence. Otherwise, the sentence isn't complete on its own. And do try and mask the introduction to the flashback. Ease into it, don't just go bluntly into the flashback. Show us the transition of emotions and what caused it. The ending is rushed too, there is a flurry of action and no emotions in between so we don't get character development at all.
The final concluding statement isn't bad if you had expanded the scene out a bit more and explained what happened. Just because she's drunk and hallucinating doesn't mean that she can't ever be sober again. My main criticism with this story is that, firstly, not enough details in what you've written and secondly. Not enough character development.
If you've got any questions, you know where to find me.
-Flite