Veneer

by amygabb

Published October 8, 2011

In Short Stories

Veneer

 

  It’s late by the time I’m nearly finished my workout. My favorite

treadmill is available and I can’t resist, so I decide to warm-down with

a jog. I top up my water bottle and start the machine at a walk. Behind

me, the door thuds and I wonder who would come here so late.

“Andrea?” a voice beside me says. I turn my head. The girl looks

familiar but it takes me a second to summon her name. She quickly

scans me up and down, observing my worn out sweats with Hard

Core written across the back and my hand-me-down T-shirt. I look

her over, too, just so we’re even. She’s wearing the shortest shorts I’ve

ever seen and a florescent pink v-neck that hurts my eyes.

“Liz, right?”

“Ya,” she grins smugly and steps on the treadmill beside me.

“The school must’ve payed a fortune to have access to this place,” she

says appreciatively.

“Nah, we put Joe’s Gym on all our jerseys and they let Danley

students in for free.”

“They let everyone in?” Liz asks, eying me skeptically.

“No, just the teams. I’m on the track team - long distance,

mostly.”

“Oh,” she grunts, as if she considers running as much of a sport

as cheerleading or ping pong. “Nice deal. My old school could only

afford a couple StairMasters.”

We walk in silence for a while. Liz is new at Danley but has

certainly made a reputation for herself. She’s about my height, which is average, but is on the starting lineup for the senior basketball team. From what I’ve heard, she never misses and what she lacks in height, is made up for in speed. She’s amazing - and knows it.

“I hear you know Nick Cornish,” she says, too casually. Oh. That

explains why she’s here.

“We’re in homeroom together. I helped him with math in ninth

grade. I still do every -”

“Someone told me you guys are really close.”

“Yeah... We live a couple blocks away from each other. Nick

drives me to school.”

“Hmm.”

“Do you have any siblings?” I’m almost certain I know the

answer, but I ask anyway.

“Nope. I’m an only child.”

I knew it.

“Well, I have three sisters. Most of the time, the only peace and

quiet I get are at his house. Besides, they need me more. Neither can

cook.”

“They?”

“Nick and his dad.”

“Just the two of them?” she remarks, intrusively. I wait for a

moment, reflecting on my options. I don’t like it, but it’s better Liz

hears the truth from me than a rumor from the local grapevine.

   “His mother died a long time ago; his brother moved out soon after

that. He doesn’t talk about it much.” I take a gulp of water and turn

the treadmill up a few speeds so I can jog for a while. Liz adjusts her

ponytail of thick, blond hair.

“You aren’t dating him, Andrea,” she says more as a statement

than a question. I shake my head firmly no. “Good,” she murmurs

under her breath and I’m certain I wasn’t supposed to hear it.

“What?” I ask, innocently.

“Oh nothing, Andy,” she smiles so sweetly that I can feel the

cavities it just gave me. “I didn’t think you were his type.”

“He doesn’t have a type, Elizabeth.” I can tell she doesn’t like her

full name as much as I dislike my nickname.

“Sure,” she says unconvinced and then giggles. I gradually slow

my treadmill and grab my bottle from its holder.

“Good luck on the game tomorrow.”

“Thanks. Good luck with your...walking.”

“Track.”

“Whatever.”

Good grief, I think. I really hate only children.

Comments & reviews · 4
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amygabb
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amygabb commented Comment · Oct 11, 2011

I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my piece. You made some very helpful suggestions! By the way, I didn't format my story like that - when I submitted it it ended up like that. I agree, it looks messy but I don't know how to fix it.

I'd like to know the details you found out about the characters too late (or didn't get explain) so I can fix it. Sometimes I let the characters explain themselves through their dialog. I wrote it through Andrea's POV so I couldn't tell the reader everything about Liz because Andrea didn't know.

EnchantedPanda wrote a review Review · Oct 11, 2011

Hello amygabb,

In truth I didn't really understand this. Once I started reading I did want to read on but after I had finished I wasn't really sure how I felt because noting really happened. It was basically just a character dialogue between two very separate people and it lacked any real plot. Had something really dramatic happened or it had a plot then it would have probably been better and more interesting to read. Don't get me wrong the actual writing of the story was pretty good, clear and easy to understand. Anyway I still have a couple of suggestions though for next time you write another short story and a few things I noticed in this story.

First of all I didn't get how you layed out this story it looked like you had randomly pressed 'enter' after every line and the accidentally mixed out the middle part and left it in a clump. Next time it would be better if you just wrote it in paragraphs instead of a whole clump. Or just left out the extra lines in between everything. Or even did both of those things. At the moment I'm sorry but it just looks messy and unorganized. It is also quite hard to read and looks very strange and unusual, I think it's just something you need to look over and fix.

She’s amazing - and knows it.
I definitely agree with limegreenleopard. If you put the word 'she' in the middle of the word 'and' and 'knows' then it would flow better. It is also grammatically correct and it helps the reader identify who you are relating to wit that short statement. It's just a minor error that caught my eye when I was reading and it stuck out like a sore thumb.

Also you need to establish all the characters more clearly before you describe the story. There were soem very important details about the characters that we didn't find out about until the end of the story and up until that point it didn't really make sense. In other cases we sometimes didn't find out about what you were talking about at all and it wasn't a very good thing for this story. I think you need to go through and check tat you have added in all the important details before you start the dialogue.

Overall this was a good story and most of it was fairly easy to understand. Some parts you need to go into more detail but most of it was pretty good. You definitely wrote a thought provoking piece and I have decided that I do like it, just make sure next time that you have clearly outlined everything. If you have any questions or concerns or you want another review then please PM me and will get back to you as soon as I can. Keep on writing you are a very talented person.

From DreamingForever

limegreenleopard wrote a review Review · Oct 9, 2011

In a way, it was quite a general, average sort of story. I think, if you expanded it so it had more of a plot and a meaning, I would like it better. Still, I got quite into it, and your dialog is very convincing. So, thumbs up. :D

Now for the hard bit. I did like reading it, but I flet it was meaningless, and when I'd finished reading it, it felt like a entry in a girl's diary. If that's what it's meant to be, well done. I still think you could expand it and then it would make more of an impact.

amygabb wrote:
Veneer

She’s amazing - and she knows it.
.

I think it would make a bit more sense if you put 'she knows it'. Maybe that's just the way I think, though. Haha. :D

The ending was rather strange in way, as I was expecting something more. I think you should definitely add to this, edit it a bit and it would be much better. I did really like it though, and you writre quite well. :D

Good luck and keep writing,
~Leopard :D

AngelKnight900 wrote a review Review · Oct 8, 2011

Ummm, I really can't generate a good response for this but I will try. It wasn't really as I expected. A short story like this couldn't really attract much attention. Besides, what could it symbolize. That only child kids are just unhappy or just plain jealous and me? I would look this over because I'm not moved. Good luck and keep writing.



I hope I’m poetic and interesting and insightful and inspiring and fun and entertaining and all of those wonderful, beautiful things
— creeperfeverdreams