It was sort of systematic how I climbed over the railings. I had done it so many times before, that I no longer considered the drop down if I were to fall. My legs contorted around the railing as though I were a jigsaw piece trying to force itself into a place that it didn’t belong. It wasn’t comfortable - wrapping my legs around, my hands on either side, gripping tightly onto the bars.
My eyes closed as I let my body lean out over the edge. My hands gripped tightly onto the railing behind me, tight but in no way desperate. I wasn’t afraid of this place, of where I stood, because I had chosen to be there.
The cool night wind brushed through my hair. I could hear the cars driving by on the motorway that lay beneath me. In my mind I thought of the sounds of the cars as the sea, imagining that I was standing high on top a cliff edge with the waves beating against the cliff below.
Breathing deeply, I thought of the salty air filling my lungs, I could almost taste it as I sucked it in. I immersed myself into the dream world I had created; the same world I visited each time I came to the bridge. Expelling any thoughts from my mind and feelings from my heart, I basked in the sheer absence of them both.
I no longer came here to search for answers. I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me; it was late in the night, the footbridge was barely ever used, and it was too high and dark for anyone in the cars below to notice me.
Goosebumps began to surface along my arms; the night had been a little cooler than I was expecting and I couldn’t help wishing that I had brought a jacket.
“Stop!” A strangers voice yelled from the bridge. His feet pounded loudly on the ground as he ran toward me, “don’t do it!”
For a moment, I thought that my mind was playing tricks on me; no one had ever caught me on the footbridge before and I knew that it was usually derelict. Startled and a little confused, I turned to confirm my sanity. My eyes met those of the stranger and he suddenly froze.
“Please,” he said, “climb back over the railings.” I stared in disbelief, unsure of how to react to his plea.
He slowly moved toward me. At first, to see him walk, he looked perfectly normal. But as he stepped with his right foot, the entire right side of his body lifted and dropped in a great effort to move, emphasising his unsteadiness all the more. It seemed sort of mechanic, how his body moved. A shiver travelled down my spine as he approached me. This stranger was undeniably handsome, but regardless of this fact there was something about the way he moved that made me uneasy; it made me feel as though I just couldn’t trust him.
“Stop,” I told him and he did, “I don’t want you to come any closer. What do you want?”
“Excuse me?” he asked, startled by my question.
“Why are you here? What do you want with me?”
“I just want you to climb back over the railings. Please, take my hand, I’ll help you.” He reached toward me.
“No!” I yelled as he moved in closer. “Stay away from me.”
“Okay, okay,” he backed away, his hands raised to show he meant no harm. He stepped in close to the railings and peered over the edge. “That’s quite a drop.”
Silence filled the air once again and I closed my eyes, hoping that the stranger would simply disappear into the night. In my opinion, I had made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want or need his help - that should have been enough to make him leave. There was a tug on the railings and they began to shake. My eyes snapped open and I turned to see the stranger now stood just two-feet away on the wrong side along with me.
“I. Just. Want. You. To. Know,” he shouted, “That. I. Have. A. Great. Fear. Of. Heights.”
I huffed, what’s so great about that? I thought, annoyed by his intrusion on my time of escape. My eyes rolled and I grinded my teeth, caging my words inside my mouth, knowing that I’d regret saying them if I let them out. Reason told me that he was only trying to help; it was just so irritating that he couldn’t understand.
“I. Should. Warn. You. That. If. You. Jump,” he continued to yell, “I. Jump.”
“Why are you yelling?” I said, ignoring his insinuation that I was about to jump.
“I’m not entirely sure,” he lowered his voice to a shout, “I think maybe the fear has affected my voice?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I knew that I had no intention of jumping, or even falling, from the bridge. I had done this a thousand times before and I was completely safe. But what I realised now was that he, this poor unfortunate and unsuspecting stranger who stumbled upon me, didn’t know any of that.
“I’m not going to jump,” I reassured.
“I don’t believe you,” he said, his hands gripping tighter onto the railings.
“Honestly, I’m not.” I shuffled along the ledge toward him and placed my hand on his. “I swear.”
“Well,” he said, “I can’t help but wish you had told me before I climbed over.” I laughed again, and this time he laughed with me.
“If you’re so afraid of heights, then why did you climb over?” I asked, as I looked at his still-fear-ridden face and smiled.
“I thought I could stop you. I thought that if I gave you an ultimatum, that you’d change your mind and climb back over. You really have no intention of, you know…?”
“Jumping? No - I would never. I think suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do, I’ll never understand it, I don’t ever really want to.”
“Well, that I can agree on. I’m just not too sure I understand this - you being here - if you don’t plan on jumping,” he said, daring to peer out at the road below.
“It’s hard to explain. It’s just that up here, everything is different. This is where I can be alone and just stop everything, the thinking, the fretting - I can escape from all of that. It clears my mind”
“Now I just feel like I’m intruding.”
I turned to him and shook my head. I wasn’t afraid of him anymore, and his presence no longer caused me annoyance. In fact, I was even beginning to enjoy his company.
“So, when I tell my friends about this crazy woman I met dangling over the edge of a bridge to clear her mind, what name should I give her?” he joked, still clinging on tightly to the railings.
“Sophie.”
We laughed together about the ridiculousness of the situation we had somehow both become involved in. It wasn’t long until I gave in to the stranger’s fears and climbed back over. I, of course, had to help him as he attempted to do the same, although at a much slower and cautious rate.
He held tightly onto my arms as I pulled his body over; after feeling how his hands shook in fear, I decided that he’d need more help than just a hand. As soon as his feet were set firmly on the right side of the footbridge, the stranger’s fear washed away.
“It’s ironic really,” he said as he brushed off his pants, “I thought I was rescuing you and in the end you had to rescue me.”
He walked me almost the entire way home, regardless of my protests. After everything that had happened, he felt compelled to make sure that I got home safely. If I was truly honest with myself I don’t think either one of us were ready to say goodbye just yet. With my parent’s house in sight, I stopped. I had been walking at a leisurely pace the entire way home, savoring each moment with him.
“This is me,” I said, “I’m good from here.”
“Okay.”
“So, when I tell my friends about this crazy stranger who climbed over onto the wrong side of the bridge, regardless of his fear of heights, just to save me from almost certain death, what name should I give him?” I smiled.
“You don’t strike me as someone who talks about things like the bridge with your friends,” he guessed, “so I don’t suppose you’ll be needing that strangers name after all - though crazy he was. Maybe he should remain anonymous?”
“Well thank you, Anon. I’m really glad you showed up tonight,” I said.
“Me too.”
We both turned and walked away. Some ten feet away I couldn’t fight the urge to turn and have one last look at the stranger who’d stumbled into my life. I turned to look over my shoulder only to notice him do the same. We smiled, waved, and then continued on our way. His face would be etched in my mind forever; a small dream in the exposition of my otherwise unfortunate reality.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hi again! Sorry this is taking so long, had a bit of a hectic week but I'll try to get you some more comments as soon as I can
So! This chapter, hmm. It didn't feel like it fit with your prologue which disconcerted me but, it was alright. I think you've got a good pace, a pretty nice scene and there's some gentle character building. It's nothing amazing and feels a bit more like filler than the opening to a story though to be honest. It was a little awkward in places, rather predictable, but at the same time engaging and easy to read. Maybe just try to spice it up a little?
Here's a few nit-picks and then I'll try to give you some advice:
This format isn't necessary and looks really odd. Find a better way to convey it. Maybe tag a line on that explains how he speaks or something.
Dialogue
The best lines in history are short, snappy, memorable and just generally concise. I found that your dialogue was a little too long winded and got wrapped up in itself so I had to read it two or three times before I really got what the characters were saying. Try to come some of those longer speeches down just a little. Keep the wit but make it snappier.
Originality
See what you can do to make this scene more unique. At the moment, it's the typical, first person not really committing suicide, but second person thinks they are and is scared of heights but tries to save them. Then first person must rescue second person etc. It's been done way too many times so there's not enough interest here plot wise and your characters aren't compelling enough to carry the section. The only time an old plot works well is when the characters are particularly awesome/ refreshing or there's enough twists and good lines to still keep the reader thinking/ generally entertained.
Overall
Not as strong as your prologue but as I said, you do engage with the reader and there was some building of Sophie's character. It's a shame the guy was such a cardboard cut-out. I think you need to work on him, do something with the dialogue in general and try to put your own spin on the plot line. Hope this helps a little,
Heather xxx
Hey again
Again, awesome reviews above, so I'll stick with overall.
Overall, I really like the change of POV, it's more personnal that way. I really love
Also, nice change in the conversation, it seems a bit more realistic and (again) I love the change.
Keep on writing!
Onto chapter 3,
-Truth-
Hiya!
Her spine shivered as she watched him. Regardless of the fact that this stranger was undeniably handsome she couldn’t help the fact that the way he walked made her uneasy; it made her feel as though she couldn’t trust him.#FF4080 "> I think this section needs more description. Handsome how? I’m picturing him as tallish with black hair, but how much of his facial features was she able to see in the dark? And now I’m curious as to how old Sophie is that she thinks this man is handsome. It’d be nice if you gave us an idea of what their ages were.
Wow, I’m so glad I read this. I love everything about it! The characters, the setting, the dialogue, the humor… it feels like the beginning of a real novel.
At the beginning I had pictured Sophie to be a girl or in her young teens, but at the end of the chapter I get the feeling that she is more like in her early twenties. Also, I imagined the man to be much older than her at first, since she seemed to be a bit frightened of him as he approached her. But now I think he’s pretty close to her age. So I had a few misconceptions at first, but that’s just me. A bit more description couldn’t hurt, though.
I love the elements of humor you added. At the beginning, when Michael first shouted ‘Don’t do it!’ I nearly laughed out loud. I was totally not expecting that to happen. It was great. I also love how his voice rose as his fear grew. Haha J
The only thing I would change about this is the ending. From here on out, it just feels incredibly cliché. The last paragraph especially feels unnecessary, and it breaks completely from the pace you’ve kept through the entire chapter. I’d take it out. I would also rather you kept the stranger’s name as anon instead of adding it in at the end, which depletes some of the exciting mystery you created with him.
Everything else is very smooth, and your grammar is great. I see a lot of people edited in commas, and they would help sometimes, but for the most part it was distracting to me. I really had a great time reading this.
Looking forward to chap 1!!
Okay, so this is a really really good start, and I'm definitely going to read the next chapters. Your descriptions are great and your characters are just plain fascinating. There's a great edge to this story, so just clean this up grammar-wise. You have a really great start to what could be an amazing novel.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Here I am, as requested! I usually prefer critiquing works on a more specific scale, but I see you've already gotten a lot of that. So I'll make an exception in this case.
Well, one problem I do have is the categorization. You call this a prologue, but prologues are for the giving of information that would otherwise be omitted, information that can be utilized more and more as the story progresses. Prologues are a tricky business. It's difficult to make a really good, fitting one. Based on my narrow perspective, me not having read any of the other chapters, I think this could be better labeled as "Chapter One." Chapters have a definite storyline, whereas prologues lie deeply in mystery. I would say that this is more on the "moving along with the story" side than the "shrouded in mystery" side. So consider making this a chapter, instead of a prologue.
I have another problem with the description. I have no idea what you're trying to get across as far as setting. There's a bridge, there's a girl climbing on some railings...but that's all I'm able to decipher. And even when there is imagery, a lot of it is just telling, and not showing. Most of your description is passing. What I mean by this is that you describe things in an offhand, vicarious sort of way, only as the characters interact with them. You never take the time to actually give a thorough description of the setting. Do this, and it will make the story all the more readable.
And then there's the stranger. Since the purpose of a prologue is to establish the main problem, my impression is that this is going to be a romance novel. Even if this was the first chapter, this would still be my guess. If it isn't, try tweaking it a bit.
I'll get to the next few chapters soon.
-Kafka
This was a very great opening chapter/prologue. I can honestly say there were few flaws in the flow of your writing and above all, it was very interesting to read as well! I like your main character. She seems very strong-minded despite the fact that she seems to be having a few internal issues. It only makes me wonder what is going on with her in the story, which is a door being opened for me to want to read your next chapter so much more! Your plot that I read seems to be of something I'd very much enjoy reading. So I'm glad you messaged me to read your story. I'd be more than happy to keep up with it; writing reviews for you until it is completed.
I saw a few minor flaws with the flow of one or two of your sentences and some of the words, but I think some of the other reviews caught those things. Maybe if you go back and try rereading this aloud to yourself, you'll be able to correct these mistakes. There were few things I could find wrong with this piece of writing. I know this because as I was reading, I simply kept going on without hesitation or the urge to copy down excerpts of your story! I encourage you to go back yourself to try and perfect this, but for now I give it around an 8 out of 10. The 8 is for creativity, but it kind of reminded me of the Titanic a little. Hmm...
I like to nit-pick before reviewing the piece as a whole. Here a some problems that slowed me down while reading:
Replace "salt filled" with "salty". And, for future reference, when describing something in that way, you should add a hyphen.
And when you say "hollow"- just curious- do you mean "hovel"? It would seem like a more appropriate word. But, that's just my opinion.
Now, the your piece. I truly did enjoy what I read. A great introduction, very positive, considering what it's about. It almost makes the reader as vulnerable as Sophie had made herself. A very creative tactic. I sort of wish you kept Micheal anonymous, haha! That would have added a bit more zest. (: But thank you so much for sharing. I'm going on to the first official chapter now!!
~Panda;;
Hey Amie,
I'm here as requested, thank you for asking me to review this! I really love it. This is such a unique story, and it really makes me want to read more.
Just some nit-picks:
I would rewrite this sentence. It's a little awkward to read. I would say, maybe "She no longer came here to search for answers. Instead, she searched for a hollow of time and space to escape in."
I didn't really understand why Sophie said "What's so great about that". If that was a separate question, you should have a seperate question mark.
There were many other puntuation errors in this chapter, but I think most of them have been pointed out already. Overall, I really like how you present your protagonist and how I am curious as to why she lives in an "unfortunate reality". Just one thing that I didn't understand quite well was, how did Michael see Sophie on the bridge if she claimed that she couldn't be seen from the bottom? Did he see her as she was climbing up towards the bottom? It's not a big deal, but it confused me a bit.
Great story you have here. And, I'm off to chapter one!
-Alex
Hi amie, here as requested.
People have already pointed out most of the grammar and such, so I don't have to worry about that. So, let's get started here.
First off, I would have to say that you have an interesting story going here. There were quite a few punctuation errors, most of which have already been pointed out, which distracted from the flow of the story, but it was interesting. One other thing that I noticed in the beginning (especially for a couple of paragraphs I'll quote in a second) was that you seemed to be extremely fond of the word 'as'.
Sorry for the ridiculously long quote, but it was needed to point everything out. I bolded the word 'as' quite a few times here - it was very repetitive and it got a bit annoying. I underlined one of them, which is honestly the only one I would keep. Think of other linking words to use. Also, in the second paragraph, I put 'breathed' in italics. It's used twice in the same sentence in a very awkward way. It was sort of unattractive.
Now that I have that off of my chest, I'll get on with the actual review.
The scene at the bridge seemed a little awkward in areas. The way Sophie talks threw me off. Remember that most people don't talk the way you write, and in areas it sounded like she was trying to narrate something. It wasn't quite natural.
Another thing that threw me off was the stranger (Michael). He seems like an interesting character, but the way the two interacted seemed a little forced. It wasn't really realistic how quickly they warmed up to each other... it seemed a bit off to me. I'm not sure, there was just something awfully off about that bit.
Otherwise, you seem to have something interesting going on here. I'm eager to read chapter one and find out what all of it's about.
~~Cass
Hey, quite nice overall. I like how you get the the point, i really admire this since I'm a waffler. Also your characters seem very interesting, nice and well balanced. Others have really gone into depth with their corrections so i won't.
To me this could have been just cut down, it's quite unnecessary to write the ' but it only lasted for a second bit.My first issue is the first sentence, It's just didn't capture me like it should have.
The way you described standing on the bridge was quite good, i really liked it. I had more to say but i have forgotten, sorry. But I have to disagree with you on the terrorist thing. Terrorists ( religious suicide bombers, not the people who tell others to suicide but don't have the guts to do it them selves) are people who have died for their religion, yes they are deluded and cruel people but somewhere in their minds they think they are doing the world a favor. Be different if they where christian, just saying... yes a weird but it's good to be able to or at least try to see thing from another view point.
Hello. My name is Jayleigh and I'll be reviewing for you this evening. I'm rusty with reviewing but I had some free time so I figured I'd stop by. Here we go...
This sounds a bit awkward to me. I think you might be missing something here.
Comma splice.
Another comma splice.
This is a bit wordy going on run-on.
You send her off on little thought tangents a lot. I know you are trying to use metaphors and similes, but too many clumped together doesn't read well.
too high and dark, would work?
I think erupt is the wrong word choice here. It makes me think of an exploding volcano, and that's a little gross coming out of your arm. So, maybe emerged?
Strange wording?
This made me laugh.
'Well, thank you, Anon. I'm...'
Iffy things:
You repeat "she no longer..." three or four times and personally, I hate reading repeated words too close together and especially if they are sentence beginners. Try to stay away from that? It will read more smoothly.
I'm not sure why, but she seemed too alarmed by him at first, then just opened right up to him.
By the end, he seemed to have lost his limp.
Nice things:
I enjoyed your vocabulary usage. It kept me interested.
You could leave it as is and it'd be a cute little short story.
Good job. Keep it up. Good night!
--Jayleigh
Wow, I really like this and I'm really looking forward to reading more of it.
Its interesting and keeps me captured and I'd definately, if this was a book, buy it for more. Aha, but thats my opinion
Now, I felt it could have flowed a little better as a prologue and maybe it being a tad shorter may have helped and kept a slight mystery to it. Just left more to be unlocked.
I especially liked:
It was a good start.
And:
It gave a real dark feeling to the piece and the imagery is great.
Overall an amazing piece, and apart from structuring it a little better I don't see any faults.
I can't wait to read more.
Well done!
Hello there
Truth here for a review!
Alright, so this looks very promising! Powerful writing; I love the emotions in it. This is a very unusual meeting, it's picking at my curiosity. Don't think I have much criticism
-Truth-
I'd love to read more of this. I'm wondering what is her reality and wondering if he will have some reason for her discomfort. I watch a lot of shows like Criminal Minds so this really peeks that interest in me. Pm me on my wall when you get chapter 1 out, I'd love to read it. I didn't find any errors, so keep up the good work.