About a year old. I suppose this was some kind of way for my brain to connect me with my inner lesbian-ness, or something. Either way, I hope you enjoy one of my personal favourite poems. The retelling of a far too realistic dream about a beautiful girl I named Maria. She kissed me, and I'm pretty sure it was awesome.
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It was the only beautiful day
This summer.
And not even because of the weather,
But because of you.
We met at the park that afternoon.
You greeted me with a smile so bright
The sun was envious.
You took me to a grassy spot by the lake
Where the ducks swim.
They’re your favorite, you said,
Pulling out a small loaf of bread to share.
With the birds of course.
Each piece you tossed I could see pure joy,
Reflected upon your flawless face.
Your beauty was too remarkable,
And I felt unworthy to in the the presence of such a Goddess.
So I grabbed your hand before the heavens could take you,
And thanked you.
For what? I’m not so sure, but you deserve thanks.
You laughed, as your right hand delicately caressed my cheek, then spoke:
“You are the most amazing girl I’ve ever met”.
Spoke the sweetest words anyone has ever said to me.
As you lead me to a shady spot,
I trailed behind and observed how you walk.
So curvaceous in that dress with the floral pattern
And black combat boots,
To switch up that girly flare.
Then you caught me in mid stare,
Gave your outfit a twirl,
And fell right onto the lush green field.
My heart beat like a train.
God, you’re such a tease.
I laid down beside you and watched the clouds roll by,
As they watched out souls and our curls intertwine.
Knotted.
Like my stomach when you rested your head on my chest,
Or when you wispered in my ear that I was indeed,
“The very best”.
With you I shared my secrets and my dreams
My confessions and my fears.
You looked into my eyes and told me never to worry.
There was a long pause.
Like telepathy, you knew what I wanted.
So you kissed me,
And the whole world stopped.
Then,
I woke up.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi!
I liked this. It had a good flow to it, and you must have really vivid dreams to be able to write it out so detailed. (Or maybe you added details to it). I think you can't really put it as a poem because if it is then it needs a lot more work.
Some lines were too long and others too short. The layout needs to be put into stanzas to make it easier to read and in a more poetic layout. I like your use of words though and I don't think much there should change.
I think this was a bit random rhyme. It might of been accidental or deliberate, but I think if you are making it rhyme than the whole poem needs to have the same rhyme pattern.
Apart from those things, the story was nice and it was a good read.
Deanie x
It's really beautiful. I love it. Has a soothing feel to it and the narrative element was well done.
My favourite lines:
Really poetic. Normally people just describe pretty girls as goddesses but you took one more step forward with this description and I like that.
However, is the speaker supposed to be a guy...?
She's maria and she told you you are the most amazing girl she's ever met?
But all in all, it's a nice, neat and beautiful poem.
I like the idea but you haven't portrayed it in a right way. Firstly your stanzas are in some places too short and in some places too long, Same is the case with the vocabulary, There isn't any flow. Try maintaining that.
Sincerely,
Zaid Ansari.