Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


im gonna miss you (and jackson ohio)

by amelie



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
76 Reviews


Points: 5093
Reviews: 76

Donate
Tue Oct 05, 2021 11:15 pm
SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi i im here to give you a review on what i had read on your work

lets get started!!

First off this was actually pretty good on what i read this good incredible poem i was like i really this nice poem and i love the way you had it edit like that was amazing the way you had it edit but it was wonderful that you had made a nice cool vibe poem but you actually did well with this one


my compliment is this was just a little short poem cause you barely didn't put that much on your poem but only 1 but i guess this is your poem but i know that i was just saying but this was so short


how you can improve is just write like 4 least that goes your poem and do the edit just like you have it now and next time just know that your poem can be at least 4 to that poem


keep writing have a good day!!

~jay~




Random avatar

Points: 119
Reviews: 2

Donate
Tue Oct 05, 2021 11:30 am
Jasperbiscuitt says...



Wow!! I'm very impressed, besides the capitalization, I only have on critique. The use of the words "cause" and "til" show casualness, but the punctuation shows otherwise. You could change the words or fix their punctuation: 'cause and 'til. Great job!!!




Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Oct 05, 2021 7:56 am
Amirykal says...



Hello,
First of all, great work, this poem touched me in many ways.
I think the poem would benefit if the words in the continuation of a sentence were lowercase, even if they are in the next line. Sometimes the auto-capitalization can ruin the flow of a sentence.




Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Oct 05, 2021 7:55 am
Amirykal says...



Hello,
First of all, great work, this poem touched me in many ways.
I think the poem would benefit if the words in the continuation of a sentence were lowercase, even if they are in the next line. Sometimes the auto-capitalization can ruin the flow of a sentence.




User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 18
Reviews: 73

Donate
Mon Oct 04, 2021 8:55 am
Buranko wrote a review...



Hi amelie, great to see you, here to review your work.

I am a sucker for poems and this one has instantly attracted me. It is built with simple words but meaningful, full of hope and wholesomeness. It has a well defined theme, the flow is nice and even without a lot of imagery it is a beautiful poem.

I love how it's made using a friendly tone just like talking to someone known for ages. The direct approach makes it really intimate and overall something that can be admired by any reader but understood fully by the person it is intended to be given or something like that.

Now on the part you might hate me on. You should really stop with repeating the same word over and over. Sure, repetition is useful in some situations but, your poem being a direct, easily understandable poem under a theme that doesn't belong to the realm of dark themes and motifs, here it doesn't work and moreover makes it pretty hard to read both aloud and for oneself. "Show me/Where you touched me to make me'' Too many me's feel a little off. I would go a little like this and fix this whole problem "show me/where you touched to make me" See, simply by removing one "me" this problem is half solved. Ofc if you rephrase it a little further you can get rid of the third me as well and solve it completely but I won't do it so that I don't modify your original poem.

Your lines are really nice but some of them are so damn long it ruins everything. "Fall in love, so that when time erases your touch". I believe that "so that" breaks the flow and the line can go on without it.

This is a good poem with a lot of potential. I recommend reading your poem a few times and rereading it until you are completely satisfied with how it looks and feels. As I said before, your words are perfectly matched, it is how you present the poem that feels pretty off. Mind the over repeating, maybe include punctuation(tho i prefer no punctuation in my poems, it is a subjective matter) and your poems will improve immediately. Good luck and if you need further clarification just ask me!





I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison